uncried tears.

the past 2 nights have been something to remember.

barely 2 nights ago,
mid afternoon,
after viewing something,
i was ravaged within, like something went inside of me with sharp claws and had a frenzy of slashes drawn across the sensitive regions of my emotions.
i called out for my bros.

and thank goodness they answered.

fri nite,
one by one, late as they might have been,
these very same pple who have accompanied me since secondary school foolishness all the way to the days of today,
walked towards me, the black man, the huge man and the round man.
from boys to man we have become i guess.
we sat down at carl's junior,
eating the same burgers we ate, as i just silently remembered the last time i was in the very same restaurant, eating the same burger, sitting in the same booth, drinking the same drinks, and just talking about everything under the sun.
afterwhich, to the music of some mambo, we drove across the bridge, to the little island called sentosa, and found our way to tanjong beach.

there we did one of the things ive always wanted to do since i got my wheels.
we drove up to the edge of the sand, popped the back, reversed the sofa and sat there and danced to the music of mambo.
pple in halloween get-ups strolled past, cheering at us, the buncha crazy fools, having a party we didnt have to pay for, didnt have to drink to get high, i would even go as far as to say they were envious of the fun we were having.
when pitch darkness approached, and upon 4 beach chairs we were sprawled out on, bit by bit, i began to understand, began to accept.
i looked out the stars above, and i saw for the first time in my life,

a shooting star..

and i wished a wish i never thought i would've wished just 24 hours before.

one that after i wished,shocked me.

i guess there are times in life you really surprise yourself.

a few hours ago,
i was sitting at another beach chair, right next to dud's pool,
raggae in the background, booze flowing fine, but i couldnt touch a drop cuz i was driving.
and again, i saw another shooting star.
considering that ive never seen a shooting star in my life,
to see 2 in the span of 24 hours was quite something.


and in the past 48 hours.
ive heard so much,and i tink now i have enuf to make a decision of my own.

from the slightly optimistic:

"wad's yours will always be yours"
"somehow i know there will come a day i'll taste your cooking.im dam sure of that"(i wish i had that kinda confidence)
"it'll take a miracle but i believe in miracles,don't you?"(suddenly im gettin lessons in faith from a non christian.rofl)

to the negative :

"for someone to put it that bluntly, you should know wad to expect"
"the sea is big, and there are many fish, you just need to find your nemo"



in the past 48 hours,

i've been on such a radical emotional roller coaster im quite amazed im still calm enuf to type this.
but realizations is quite cool.
i realized something.
tad i've been tinking too much.
the decisions tad ive been debating for so long.

have already been made.
and ive already been living the solution.

the wheels of life continue grinding on, in constant motion, and the pain and tears are but the wear & tear and the lubrication for one's life to move on.

the choices have been made.
and this line came ringing into my head:

"if you don't begin living for yourself, dun expect anyone to come and take an interest in living a life with you".

and thus, ive begun making plans.

plans tad once belonged in a private place, i've unstashed, and begun to live them again.

life has once again sprung from the darkness of despair. and like the first leaf falling to signal the changin of seasons, i thank you my bros, for just being there.

thank you for propping my chin up, so that i could see eye to eye with the world.
thank you for being there, so that the loneliness wouldnt eat at me.
thank you for being happy and high, tad i realized that happiness is where you find it and make of it.

despite it all, i cant help feeling that im settling for 2nd best.
for this is definitely not the ideal.
the ideal being something like wad giant and dudley possess, a partner tad can share every single joyous/unhappy moment with, someone to go thru all of life's experiences with.
i guess i am a little envious.
but at the same time, i would comfort myself with believing that someday,somehow, someone would come into my life again, someone who would become the permanent angel of my life.

i now look forward to bangkok shopping,wakeboarding in batam and performing/choreographing a dance for new yr's svc in church.

bit by bit life pushes on, never letting you dwell too long in the present.

just like a man struggling towards warmer land from artic regions, i am cold, and i r numb. and the chill bites at me relentlessly. but i press on knowing that to continue living in the memory of a shelter tad doesnt exist anymore would mean overexposure and death, i press on to keep warm and alive, till the next haven appears or i regain wad ive lost.

in the meanwhile.
the uncried tears built up behind the scenes again.
i realize its dam gay for a guy to actually cry over a girl, but oh wells.special pple are worth breaking traditions for right?keke.if you dont think so, stfu and piss off.
but yea.
i guess more or less things have been settled within already.

im sorry that i might not be able to hold true to everything ive promised you.
nor might i be able to take your advice with regards to certain stuff.

but my fears will not go away. and just like the decisions i wanted to make but had already been made, my inner self has reacted and tbh i dun really wish to change things.

i took the leap of faith and now even more then before, will certain things be raised higher.

_______________________________________________

on a more fatalistic note,

i was reading the papers the other day,

apparently female adultery is on the rise.

iirc,
ten yrs ago,
1 in ten males would be involved in extra marital rships.
1 in 20 females would be involved in extra marital rships.

now,
2 in 10 males would be involved,
1.5 in 10 females would be involved in extra marital rships.

puttin that into context,

me,giant,dudley,kenn,josh - 1 of us would be cheating on our spouse.
a,b,c,d,e,f,g,g,i,j -1 of them would be cheating on one of us.

now how's that for shaking one's faith in the concept of marriage and love eh.

empowered women are supposedly blamed for this statistic.

its interesting how this debate pans out and honestly i could spend the next few hours here just tryin to work this post out, but i cbf-ed, so yea.

all i can say is that trust is earned i guess.and once lost, is not as easily regained.


someone once told me.

tears are God's way of telling you that you live and feel.
they wash away the grime tad collects upon you from day to day.

and i know that ive got lotsa uncried tears tad needta be let loose soon.

wtb a shoulder to cry on.
lol.

fucking sad and emo pls.
but den again, i believe its necessary.
ive tried to keep myself under control, but as with the Fed crisis,
this measure is just raising the levee walls, sooner or later its gonna overflow, and when that happens i'll be truly and completely tipped apart.
and only thru this overflowing, will the floodwaters abate.

so yup.
/shrugs.

my bed calls to me.

13 days.
a new countdown has begun.
_________________________________________

on a happier note,

happy 22nd birthday dudley!!!

love you long LONG TIMEEEEEEEEEE.

2gether 4ever and never to partttttttt....(insert cmi mambo actions here)