and the clock's run dry.

okie im not definitely more coherent den i was about 8 hours ago.
hmmm.
chuggin down half a bottle of booze in about 30 mins is DEFINITELY not healthy, but it does help you forget everything and just sleep.
problem is that it doesnt really last long and i dunno why the flyin fuck im awaake at 452 am in the godforsaken morning and the pain hasnt abated one bit.
as the sayin goes, you cant run from your problems, so you just hafta face up to them.

lessons ive learnt in the past 24 hours.

1) never chug down alcohol like i did.

after massively puking like i dunno..6?7? times?
i can tell you tad drinking tad kinda alchohol in such a short time and not moving and basically sitting at your computer and emoing does........absolutely nothing for one's well being.
on the other hand,
it gets you to sleep,
which is decent enough, considering the alternative where i basically lie down in bed and hurt.
so technically, drinking the booze in fine since it gets you wasted enough so you can sleep quickly and painlessly.
the question now is how MUCH booze to drink i think.

2) karma/fate/God/destiny/

cruel.

at this point in time.

im pretty much certain, tad some point or rather in my life,
i musta fucked up royally.
i honestly cant figure why the hell this always keeps happening to me.
and tbh im really dam tired of it happening already.
obama won his white house chair based on the words : Hope & Change.
i tink more or less wad im feeling right now is the anti-thesis of these very words.

its really like de javu all over again.
the time frame since the break is just about right,
the emotions are just about right,if nothing,less betrayal but more hurt.
the way i found out is the same,
the words are about the same,
and the knee jerk reaction by me is definitely the same.
considering that i was already intending to put all this in place,
i guess the only difference is that this time im slightly more prepared i guess.
prepared for wad i dunno.
prepared for the inevitable?

i remember telling those pple tad gave me hope,
tad it would happen, and happen soon,
and trieda convince myself tad "heyyyy...maybe they're right..i mean..to me it stood for something, why not to her?"
despite outwardly saying the things i hoped fervently wouldnt happen but tried to protect myself from its eventuality.
if there was a way i didnt wanna be proved right,

this would've been it.

maybe its just hall.
i remembering saying at the start,
that no rship with 1 person in hall can last.
maybe im the one who put a curse on this rship.
was i preparing us for the required extra effort to make it work?
or did i in tad one statement condemn us forever.
was i being cautious as usual,covering all the angles, or did i in my pessimism destroy the very thing tad meant so much to me.

i was telling the guys when hall first started.
and i was raging about it.
why.
cuz i honestly believe tad hall basically takes a person and changes them into something else.
peer pressure is a whole another force in hall.
added to that, you spend basically 24 hours of your life with pple.
and if situations demand it, you can spend an entire day with a single person in the name of work.
and then, if you continously spend soo much time with a person, your emotions get muddled and you lose sight of the overall view.
you get to spend nights with particular pple, all that time.going out for suppers, sittin in each other's room on each other's beds, etc etc etc.let your imagination run wild./shrugs.
i remember my sister telling me tad if you spend so much time with a person, you sure "fa shen shi qing one" and i was like "nah.it wouldnt happen here."
haha.there are many ways to be proven wrong, and honestly this is/was not way i wanted to be proven.

maybe this is just sour grapes talking, but honestly this is how i feel and its been said in the past, so please dun hold it against me.
if anithing,this is the knee-jerk to this infomation i guess.

my sister asked me a terribly poignant question the other day in car.
and now i can finally say i know the answer already.

i honestly know not wad im feeling now.
its like a cold ball of liquid nitrogen sittin the depths of my tummy, and someone's pressing a dull heated plate against my heart.
i dunno to be happy tad you've moved on so happily,
or to angry tad you did.
dunno if i should feel like hating you,
wen i still love you terribly.


but now i know one thing is true.


and its tad you dont love me anymore.

/shrugs.

3) never get attached to anyone who's in hall.

probably the MOST important lesson and painful one learnt over the past few yrs.

never again.
prob sunk into my thick as hell skull by now.


i honestly feel like quite the fool.

but who can blame you i guess.

the world is your oyster.
=)

as the lyrics of anjing go.

ringing so true.and painfully.

i've been avoiding listening to that chinese cd in my car for the longest time becuz i would be reminded of you.
and now i have no more reason to avoid it.
i guess i can just listen to it, sing it and cry to myself.
=)

best of luck i guess.
im pretty sure there's a inner part of me tad sincerely hopes you'll find wad you're lookin for.
and that whatever you KNOW you arent lookin for, he doesnt have.


and the truth of it prob is tad i cant bring myself to hate you.
cuz i still love you.
lol.
fucking idiot r i.
i guess the word to accurately describe myself now is cuckold.