hurts.

sometimes the pain juz won't go away.
aft wad jie told me about zn n how he was so fortunate to find my sister so quickly else his "adventure" mite have lasted longer.
im fearin i mite end up the same way.
how bloody annoyin n freaky.
sighz.
remain optimistic.
he looks so normal as well.
wad of me.
alr half crazed as it is.
shat.

the curative properties of a hard run.

its been an awful week.
i've been exposed to so much hurt,misery in the past week tad i swear i've had more nights where i cried myself to sleep den juz fallin asleep juz cuza exhaution.
its been hard darling.
i know its been hard on you pls.
its juz not you.
i know.
im juz gonna wait n see wad you wan n gif it to you love.
but i really hope you'll consider how i'll feel.
you said it yourself love.
"we both work really hard at it"
tad statement has been my hope love.

jie may not understand,
everyone i've spoken to mite not understand.
they call me foolish,unwise,hopeless.
i know it mite be true.
but it'll all be worth it if at the end i still have you.

its been a hard week.
i had my 1st stay out trainin which was pure torture,
section trainin aint exactly a breeze as well tho i tink im excelling at it.
its tiring.
n its compounded by the fact tad i wait up everynite by CHOICE to talk to her.
which averages about 1 plus.
and i begin the next day wakin up at 4.
so yea.
its been quite the ordeal.
its no wonder why im emotionally snappy,physically tired,mentally dulled,spiritually exhausted.
its been a really hard week.

sighz.
i shall juz make a walk down memory lane.
it'll make me smile.
n hopefully it'll remind her bout things as well.


i wrote this lil thing back last week wen the 1st cracks started to appear.
under the power of an L-torch,1 x blue pen,1 x notebook , many times tears.
i was tad afraid.
its abit outta context cuz the situation's diff now.
but yea.
if nothing.
at least yrs later wen i look back at my archives,
i'll always remember tad nite.


i sit here in this darkened bunk,
sure tad being witout you's not wad i wan.
i never wanna be here again.
you walked into my life.
like a bolt out the blue.
and all i wanted,
was to take my chance wit you.
i gave you my heart.
you took it all.
upon my knees,
now i fall.

darlin pls dun break my heart.
dun ever wan us to part.
is there really no other way?
all i wanna do,
is to love you.
n to be loved by you,
the same way i do you.

i remember how it used to be,
me always runnin outta tuition to see,
run out to the carpark to look for you,
but never caght a fleetin glance,
so many tries but not even once,
wen i returned back,
raf will sing n laf n dance.

i remember how it was on our 1st date,
we went out on the pretense of studyin,
i juz wanted to ask you out,
i didnt know where to start,
juz knew i wanted to win your heart.

i remember tad nite i went to your class chalet,
we walked onto a breakwater a ways,
sat there in the nite sea breeze,
suddenly i believed we mite actually be.

i remember "juz like heaven"
where the words came true for me,
the seat rest was down but still it was,
wen my hand was interwined wit yours.

i recall wen we 1st attached,
you would visit me at braun buffel,
how my eyes would light upon sight of you,
n how you'll look at me wit the similiar eyes too.
those were such simple happy days.
how did it become this way.
where did we lose our desire.
why does it only come in spurts now?

i rem puttin on ring,
tellin you to me wad it means,
you looked at me wit tad look in your eyes,
slipped your hand into mine.
it was as if you had made up your mind,
tad you wanted to be wit a guy lke me,
i can still rem tad tad day.
where iupon the ride home,
ring began its life upon your finger n never left.

den came the 1st signs of cold,
where i went to work at indo,
i decided to drag you along,
my flaws you saw for yourself,
didnt like it i could tell,
left me no choice but to deal wit it,
but we were saved by mummy.
who insisted you get outta it.
saved me alot of grief.

den came our many days together,
brought you ice skatin in the sunny weather,
cuz you wanted it but me neither,
but brought you there was wad i did,
never ever for a moment regretted it.
as we hobbled across the slippery ice,
i tot our relationship was beginnin to solidify.

valentine's soon came our way,
such a gorgeous lovely day,
we sat on the beach n watched to sun slip away,
ate pasta on our homeward way,
hurried thru our meal,
else you dad would've had me killed.

i kissed you as we walked the last few steps,
my lips they tingled as you left,
i lifted em to the moonlit sky,
watched you ask you waved goodbye.
watched you walk inside your gate,
a tot realised inside my head.

in my heart there is a flame for you,
dear,why cant you have one too.
darlin i wanna be loeved by uou,
i know i'll take a lot outta you,
but appreciate it i know i'll do,
cuz i really dun wanna be witout you.

do you remember thailand trip.
do you remember sentosa's beach,
do you recall indo's bar,
how i'll send you home no matter how far,
do you recall ice skatin,
our bike riding.
do you recall all those movies.
all the times we spent together.
surely they should help us last,
juzz tad lil bit longer???

more imptly love,
do you remember,
wen we 1st held hands,
do you rem our 1st kiss,
do you recall our initial adoration.
darling i wan tad back,
i wan you back,
darling darling where have you gone!
dear i love you,
why tis fear deep within,
if you love me like you say you do,
show me you do n i'll die for you.
i'll die for you,
i'll die for you.

yea.
outta context abit.
but worth mentionin for the memories.
i remember tad nite really well.
tad nite started the tears.
and became the grwoin bed for my fears.
i hate my insecurity honestly.
why cant i be more confident n secure.
sighz.
its at times like tis i really hate myself n who i am.
my faults n all the problems it brings me.
how annoyin.
sighz.
imma go shower.

oh yea.
why the funny title.
lately i've begun to understnad why pple like wen used to run wenever she had emotional problems.
i dunno if its the same for me as it was for her.
but wen i run wit a heavy heart,
i like it.
cuz i'll push myself till the breakin point.
where tears n sweat droplets cant be differenciated.
where only sheer exhaution gives you temproal relief from the matter,
cuz your mind's juz tinkin of oxygen.
:))
HAHAHA.
how ridiculous.:))

i swear army's makin me stupid.
every 1 week spent prob reduces my mental capability by like 0.001%.
tad's quite alot since we only use 3% mind you.grrr.

weariness.

hmmm.
tis week was really drainin.
but the outfield's beginnin.
im gettin really chack.
highlights.

hmm.

gypsy 1 n 2.
navigations exercises at lower mandai.
i found every single checkpoint fer my detail.
hmm.
on gypsy 3,
(operation bayonet)
i found the bayonet.
basically we hadta go abck cuz my zection mate lost his bayonet.
so yea.
we hadta trek all over the place,
shaggin me out even more.

wad else.
lotsa strength n speed trainins,
ippt i got a silver.
:))
teehee.
from 02 standard chin ups to 9.
im really quite happy.:))
hahaha

sighz.
really tired.
shall go sleep now.
:))



hard or not.
we'll stay strong.:))

another week's passed,7 more to go.

its been a horrific week.
fears became horrific reality wen our OC came back.
and on his 1st mornin,
decided to bring us fer a run tad didnt stop till we were screamin our lungs out singin fer 1 km.
i would est we ran a whole lot more den 2.4 cuz any other estimation mite result in exaggeration.
suffice to say.
it wasnt pleasant,
but i looked forward to it cuz i really miss mornin runs.
but not tad much.
n certainly not tad excessive.
alot of the others who got gold,silver fer their ippt found themselves at the back,
whilst slower runners like me did manage to keep up.
i attribute it to mohawk training.
:))

the mental advantage really helps.
being prepared n all.
hmm.
sighz.
training tis week's been an exercise in fear once again,
fear of confinements,
extras.
suffice,
in every single platoon.
there were more den 6 extras signed.
one dude in my platoon clocked 5 all by himself.
my platoon got arnd 20+.
the record platoon got 40 plus.
basically,
half their platoon would book out whilst the rest stay in camp fer almuz every weekend.
craziness.
charlie coy.
it was bad nuf wen OC was arnd.
now he's back,
its worse.

it didnt help tad me n qi are in a really bad patch as of now.
i shall not go into details,
but i hope tis'll all be over by tml.:))
i swear regardin certain things,
imma fatalistic optimist.
in certain things,
i needta fall upon my face,
smash my nose in,
n yea.
feel a whole world o hurt before i admit defeat.
actually.
im quite stubborn if i feel im rite or if i want sumthin to work.
i'll juz keep hammering in till it works or it breaks.

i hope it works.
i dunno why.
but sumhow.
i feel alot o fear.
hearing all those stories of how girls leave their guys during NS,
havin seen one happen in my platoon n how it affected tad guy,
i juz fear i guess.
n i get paranoid.
n in my worries,annoy her cuz im basically a worrier.
sighz.
dunno la.
im juz really annoyed with the way things are rite now.
sighz.

fears within really scare the shat outta me.
i know i'll survive.
but how hard will the pain be should the worst happen.
i shudder to even imagine.
*shrugs*
pple close to me ought know i guess.
i've only told...
2 pple?
yea.
you lucky elite few at the rite time n place.:))

sighz.
cant wait till i see her tml.