was there more i could've done.
goddammit.
bloody de jevu.
i hate myself.
dun you hate it wen your own insecurities constantly rob you.
goddammit.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
entrance
i have entered the world of self hate,self despair,hurt n pain.
self despise too.
hate fer oneself has never been this strong.
maybe its only this strong only cuz it hasta match the hurt i feel so i cant feel it.
i dunno.
i hate it as well.
i really really regret my actions.
why the fuk did all this happen.
cuz ben had to be such a smartass.
wonderful.
its amazing aft everythins done,
a lil reciprocation's still not in order.
fer nothin less den giving sumthin else tad offers better benefits a chance.
and fer makin me happy.
juz making me happy.
n tad's not enuf.
sighz.
i hate myself.
i hate the world.
i hate God fer dealin me this hand of cards to deal wit.
cuz im not prepared to do so.
i hate myself.
and if you've got nuttin to say./
you better not fukin tag on my board regardin tis entry cuz i swear i've fukin tear you to ribbons.
dun push me.
im done.
how can love be so painful.
wen i only asked fer one thing once.
self despise too.
hate fer oneself has never been this strong.
maybe its only this strong only cuz it hasta match the hurt i feel so i cant feel it.
i dunno.
i hate it as well.
i really really regret my actions.
why the fuk did all this happen.
cuz ben had to be such a smartass.
wonderful.
its amazing aft everythins done,
a lil reciprocation's still not in order.
fer nothin less den giving sumthin else tad offers better benefits a chance.
and fer makin me happy.
juz making me happy.
n tad's not enuf.
sighz.
i hate myself.
i hate the world.
i hate God fer dealin me this hand of cards to deal wit.
cuz im not prepared to do so.
i hate myself.
and if you've got nuttin to say./
you better not fukin tag on my board regardin tis entry cuz i swear i've fukin tear you to ribbons.
dun push me.
im done.
how can love be so painful.
wen i only asked fer one thing once.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
things in life you regret.
are there things in ya life upon reflection,
you find yaself wishin ya haf never done.
have you been so sorry,
but yet the word sorry dun cut it.
i've been there.
i've done tad.
certain unmentionable things,
and certain mentionable.
but upon reflection.
pls accept my apologies.
you find yaself wishin ya haf never done.
have you been so sorry,
but yet the word sorry dun cut it.
i've been there.
i've done tad.
certain unmentionable things,
and certain mentionable.
but upon reflection.
pls accept my apologies.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
ponder.
hmm.
well.
im injured!!!:)
heh.
cuz i was runin fer the bus yest,
den my rite food slipped on the step n slid all the way along its path,
twistin itself n scrapin my left knee againt the asphalt yest,
leavin "blood n skin n dna" on the ground there.
yes.
thus my highly immobile state wit my rite ankle elevated and my left knee flexed.
cuz if it aint flexed,
wen i flex it,
all the dried blood'll crack n it'll bleed again.
its been a long time since i pondered.
i really wonder wad's goin on in my life.
at least spiritually.
my mummy's been insistin tad i've a callin in the teachin min.
so did sista becky from way back.
another big sign tad my mummy took it as confirmation to the naggin she's been
giving me's tad i got my 1st relief teachin job today.
and i couldnt go cuz im limpin.
kinda seems funky eh?
mummy says its the devil at work and i should go into teachin fer real.
but then again.
bein a teacher's been my main ambition since dunno when pls.
kinda confusin in its entity.
shrugs
who knows.
who can tell.
i was juz readin a fren on mine's blog.
n i was kinda happy tad yea.
ina sense,
its muz prob her own ponderations,
but there was a time where wad she wrote was sumthin mentioned during our last conver.
hmmm.
i dunno.
i juz tot it was noteworthy.
i dun even know if she reads my blog,
but to her "tink it thru".
before its too late.
im not really ina ponderin mood i tink.
im kinda juz ramblin.
its kinda hard to tink wen your leg's throbbin n you can feel ya knee blood tryin to goo up to form a protective layer over the wound so it wunt get infected.
niwaez.
i shall tell ya'll about my driving exp!!:))
i've been pretty far along in my drivin alr.
im on the main road and i went up to 70kmh in gear 4.
:))
its really quite a rush but yet its highly scary as you know outta sudden,
you haf the responsibility of not only ya vehicle,
but not to knock down those stupid jaywalkers who wait at the side of the road.
i.e-me.
i have never in my WHOLE life felt to terrified as wen i was goin at 60 and
this stupid boy came barrelin down this hill at the roadside like he was goin to cross.
i would've emergenc braked if not fer my instructor who said "go."
one word but yea.
it turned out to be rite cuz he stopped RITE AT THE KERB.
i was mutterin under my breath,
my knuckles were clenched tight on the wheel till the instructor told me to relax.
:@:@:@:@:@:@
funky.
the instructors i realised,
have absolutely no qualms about tellin you to do new things about 1 sec before you hafta do it.
example:instructor'll bold.
i.e-i've never made a turn before,
turn left at 17.
huh!?(goes past 17)
turn left at 18!
huh!!!(brakes,nearly stalls,swing the wheel madly,go into the lane,correct)
i've hever turned before.
tad's why muz start lo.
n i'll be like %#^$@$%&#$^#@
then came the best thing.
rite turns.
man.
wen you're still havin trouble wit not stallin,
and ya mind's filled wit terrifyin images of ya car stallin in traffic's way,
he still didnt gif none warning.
man.
:@
i was in cold sweat la.
its highly challengin.
and its really sumthin teachin me the severity of driving n all.
funky stuff.
but wenever i have lesson,
NO BLOODY JAYWALKIN DAMMIT.
thanks.mucho gracias.
:))
well.
im injured!!!:)
heh.
cuz i was runin fer the bus yest,
den my rite food slipped on the step n slid all the way along its path,
twistin itself n scrapin my left knee againt the asphalt yest,
leavin "blood n skin n dna" on the ground there.
yes.
thus my highly immobile state wit my rite ankle elevated and my left knee flexed.
cuz if it aint flexed,
wen i flex it,
all the dried blood'll crack n it'll bleed again.
its been a long time since i pondered.
i really wonder wad's goin on in my life.
at least spiritually.
my mummy's been insistin tad i've a callin in the teachin min.
so did sista becky from way back.
another big sign tad my mummy took it as confirmation to the naggin she's been
giving me's tad i got my 1st relief teachin job today.
and i couldnt go cuz im limpin.
kinda seems funky eh?
mummy says its the devil at work and i should go into teachin fer real.
but then again.
bein a teacher's been my main ambition since dunno when pls.
kinda confusin in its entity.
shrugs
who knows.
who can tell.
i was juz readin a fren on mine's blog.
n i was kinda happy tad yea.
ina sense,
its muz prob her own ponderations,
but there was a time where wad she wrote was sumthin mentioned during our last conver.
hmmm.
i dunno.
i juz tot it was noteworthy.
i dun even know if she reads my blog,
but to her "tink it thru".
before its too late.
im not really ina ponderin mood i tink.
im kinda juz ramblin.
its kinda hard to tink wen your leg's throbbin n you can feel ya knee blood tryin to goo up to form a protective layer over the wound so it wunt get infected.
niwaez.
i shall tell ya'll about my driving exp!!:))
i've been pretty far along in my drivin alr.
im on the main road and i went up to 70kmh in gear 4.
:))
its really quite a rush but yet its highly scary as you know outta sudden,
you haf the responsibility of not only ya vehicle,
but not to knock down those stupid jaywalkers who wait at the side of the road.
i.e-me.
i have never in my WHOLE life felt to terrified as wen i was goin at 60 and
this stupid boy came barrelin down this hill at the roadside like he was goin to cross.
i would've emergenc braked if not fer my instructor who said "go."
one word but yea.
it turned out to be rite cuz he stopped RITE AT THE KERB.
i was mutterin under my breath,
my knuckles were clenched tight on the wheel till the instructor told me to relax.
:@:@:@:@:@:@
funky.
the instructors i realised,
have absolutely no qualms about tellin you to do new things about 1 sec before you hafta do it.
example:instructor'll bold.
i.e-i've never made a turn before,
turn left at 17.
huh!?(goes past 17)
turn left at 18!
huh!!!(brakes,nearly stalls,swing the wheel madly,go into the lane,correct)
i've hever turned before.
tad's why muz start lo.
n i'll be like %#^$@$%&#$^#@
then came the best thing.
rite turns.
man.
wen you're still havin trouble wit not stallin,
and ya mind's filled wit terrifyin images of ya car stallin in traffic's way,
he still didnt gif none warning.
man.
:@
i was in cold sweat la.
its highly challengin.
and its really sumthin teachin me the severity of driving n all.
funky stuff.
but wenever i have lesson,
NO BLOODY JAYWALKIN DAMMIT.
thanks.mucho gracias.
:))
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
ponderations.
self-remonstrations.
the bittersweet taste of decisions in ya life.
are there decisions you made tad made you happier n whole fer em but yet those decisions are not witout their own fallacies.
highly amusing.
and thee decisions if you ever had to make em again.
you'll still make em the same way n embrace everythin again.
i dunno if its a sign o immaturity,
o be a sign of it inverse tad i actually reflect on my decisions.
shrugs.
maybe it juz be in matters o the heart.
i havent the faintest clue or the want to go tink it thru.
my being's exhuasted.
i slept at bout 2 plus last nite.
she's back at last.
:))
thanks to all tad kept me company.
fysh,druggie,les,jeremy n gang.
either knowingly or unknowingly.
thanks.
hmmm.
yes.
where was i.
i was half ina catonic state at nite wen a bloody truck *RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*
passed by house.
and bein the lite sleeper tad i am,
i woke up.
snorted,
tried to roll back to sleep but to no avail.
yes.
imma lite sleeper.
:(
plus it takes me dam long to get to bed lest im like totally halfway down the pipe tad kind.
so niwae,
accordin to history,
prob dozed back to sleep by about 6 plus..
den yea.
woke at 725.
to go.....FISHIN
UH!
good stuff.
i swear its dam fun if you catch.
if not its butt boring.
kekek.
well.
we didnt,
but i nearly did.
too rusty alr la.
been too long since i last casted a line.
but it was enjoyable,
the weather was awesome.
breezy,
cold.
sweet weather to be in a bed.
but yup.
enjoyed the time wit my parents.
aft,
we went to tampineeeeeeeeeess mall.
wewent to do my phone stuff at starhub store,
which took dam long fer sum unearthly reason.
basically.
to get my phone,
we dallied there almuz 2 hours.
go figure bout the svc.
juz to pay took twenty mins.
highyl annoyin.
den we went to this dim sum place.
man.
i swear their xiao long bao can put crytal jade outta business.
no shat.
its tad good.
like you use POINTED CHOPSTICKS mind you,
pick it up close to the top,
lift it off the cloth layer,
jiggle it,
the skin doesnt break cuza te weight of the soup/gravy inside.
and wen you put it in ya mouth it kinda doesnt feel like anithin.
GOOD SHAT.
:))
bout 9 bucks fer 10 i tink.
yup.
den came home.
exhausted,
spent,
but happy.
sated in the sense of family love,
but still yearnin fer more.
im greedy.
wad can i say.
and therein lies the source of my self remonstrations.
oh wellz.
lalalalal.
i shall go take dinner now.
tata alls.
o yea.
fer those interested.
i got a blue razr.
yup.
blue.
wad else.
:))
i try not to fit in.*grinz*
the bittersweet taste of decisions in ya life.
are there decisions you made tad made you happier n whole fer em but yet those decisions are not witout their own fallacies.
highly amusing.
and thee decisions if you ever had to make em again.
you'll still make em the same way n embrace everythin again.
i dunno if its a sign o immaturity,
o be a sign of it inverse tad i actually reflect on my decisions.
shrugs.
maybe it juz be in matters o the heart.
i havent the faintest clue or the want to go tink it thru.
my being's exhuasted.
i slept at bout 2 plus last nite.
she's back at last.
:))
thanks to all tad kept me company.
fysh,druggie,les,jeremy n gang.
either knowingly or unknowingly.
thanks.
hmmm.
yes.
where was i.
i was half ina catonic state at nite wen a bloody truck *RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*
passed by house.
and bein the lite sleeper tad i am,
i woke up.
snorted,
tried to roll back to sleep but to no avail.
yes.
imma lite sleeper.
:(
plus it takes me dam long to get to bed lest im like totally halfway down the pipe tad kind.
so niwae,
accordin to history,
prob dozed back to sleep by about 6 plus..
den yea.
woke at 725.
to go.....FISHIN
UH!
good stuff.
i swear its dam fun if you catch.
if not its butt boring.
kekek.
well.
we didnt,
but i nearly did.
too rusty alr la.
been too long since i last casted a line.
but it was enjoyable,
the weather was awesome.
breezy,
cold.
sweet weather to be in a bed.
but yup.
enjoyed the time wit my parents.
aft,
we went to tampineeeeeeeeeess mall.
wewent to do my phone stuff at starhub store,
which took dam long fer sum unearthly reason.
basically.
to get my phone,
we dallied there almuz 2 hours.
go figure bout the svc.
juz to pay took twenty mins.
highyl annoyin.
den we went to this dim sum place.
man.
i swear their xiao long bao can put crytal jade outta business.
no shat.
its tad good.
like you use POINTED CHOPSTICKS mind you,
pick it up close to the top,
lift it off the cloth layer,
jiggle it,
the skin doesnt break cuza te weight of the soup/gravy inside.
and wen you put it in ya mouth it kinda doesnt feel like anithin.
GOOD SHAT.
:))
bout 9 bucks fer 10 i tink.
yup.
den came home.
exhausted,
spent,
but happy.
sated in the sense of family love,
but still yearnin fer more.
im greedy.
wad can i say.
and therein lies the source of my self remonstrations.
oh wellz.
lalalalal.
i shall go take dinner now.
tata alls.
o yea.
fer those interested.
i got a blue razr.
yup.
blue.
wad else.
:))
i try not to fit in.*grinz*
Monday, January 09, 2006
well.
the 4 days are gone.
lemme recount their passin.
everynite's been pretty awful.
wen sumthin's been goin on long fer so long(prob bout 1 mnth or more),
and it suddenly stops,
makes things kinda diff to live with.
hmmm.
the 1st nite was horrific,
i ended callin random pple.
yea.
pissed off a few of em too.
sigh.
hmm.
in the end,
talked to druggie till bout 4 i tink.
before i got so seh i HADTA sleep.
den next day,
went out wit druggie fer a drink,
went to suntec n basically chatted bout the same things we were talkin bout the nite before.
diff decisions we make in our lives,
the kinda probs we face,
and yea.
all tad kinda shat.
hmmm.
den saw grace.
interestinly nuf,
she works durin school.
wad else.
nuttin much.
druggie hadta leave early,
we walked arnd a while,
den left.
i came home,
slept.
at least tried too.
fitful sleep doesnt even begin to cover it.
oh wellz.
but exhaustion took me sooner.
prob drifted off at bout 3.
hmmm.
den woke up on sunday fulla anticipation fer soccer.
but the Lord had other plans and yea.
it got cancelled cuza rain.
in the end,
went to dota.
i swear i suck at tad stupid game.
but yea.
doesnt matter.
as of today,
y wow has come back to life.
lvled once toda.
n yhea.
once again.
ive got new hopes.
mumy says com mite be in on sat.
:)))))))))
kekekeke
goot shat.
if its in,
den yea.
i can stop worry bout lanshop costs n play decent wow.:))
den yea.
today was easier.
i went fer driving in the morn,
went ll wit fysh to wow n other stupid games,
den went wit him n druggie to pjc fer the campfire.
couldnt find any half decent lookin chicks.
thus another dismal turnout fer this yr's crop of j1 which is nuttin new niwae.
teh looks department since the yr before mine started droppin.
*shrugs*
nuttin new i guess.
den walked out wit fysh to eat,
den yup.
she came back.
and thus passed 4 days witout event.
and btw.
:))
i go out onto the main road on weds prob.
so drivers,
BE ON YA GUARD.
im dam scared of stallin in tad situation.
i swear i'll juz cry.
:(
but niwae,
the instructor tells mi im doin really fine so yup.
shall take heart.
no more stallin today.
the car was co operative.:))
niwaez.
today lesson was an overachiever's lesson.
i tink i did 2 lessons worth of subjects in today's lesson la.
:)) so yup.
----------------------------------------------
tis was all i could recover.
i like typed a dam long one bt yea..
forget it.
im not gonna type it all over again.
grrr.
the 4 days are gone.
lemme recount their passin.
everynite's been pretty awful.
wen sumthin's been goin on long fer so long(prob bout 1 mnth or more),
and it suddenly stops,
makes things kinda diff to live with.
hmmm.
the 1st nite was horrific,
i ended callin random pple.
yea.
pissed off a few of em too.
sigh.
hmm.
in the end,
talked to druggie till bout 4 i tink.
before i got so seh i HADTA sleep.
den next day,
went out wit druggie fer a drink,
went to suntec n basically chatted bout the same things we were talkin bout the nite before.
diff decisions we make in our lives,
the kinda probs we face,
and yea.
all tad kinda shat.
hmmm.
den saw grace.
interestinly nuf,
she works durin school.
wad else.
nuttin much.
druggie hadta leave early,
we walked arnd a while,
den left.
i came home,
slept.
at least tried too.
fitful sleep doesnt even begin to cover it.
oh wellz.
but exhaustion took me sooner.
prob drifted off at bout 3.
hmmm.
den woke up on sunday fulla anticipation fer soccer.
but the Lord had other plans and yea.
it got cancelled cuza rain.
in the end,
went to dota.
i swear i suck at tad stupid game.
but yea.
doesnt matter.
as of today,
y wow has come back to life.
lvled once toda.
n yhea.
once again.
ive got new hopes.
mumy says com mite be in on sat.
:)))))))))
kekekeke
goot shat.
if its in,
den yea.
i can stop worry bout lanshop costs n play decent wow.:))
den yea.
today was easier.
i went fer driving in the morn,
went ll wit fysh to wow n other stupid games,
den went wit him n druggie to pjc fer the campfire.
couldnt find any half decent lookin chicks.
thus another dismal turnout fer this yr's crop of j1 which is nuttin new niwae.
teh looks department since the yr before mine started droppin.
*shrugs*
nuttin new i guess.
den walked out wit fysh to eat,
den yup.
she came back.
and thus passed 4 days witout event.
and btw.
:))
i go out onto the main road on weds prob.
so drivers,
BE ON YA GUARD.
im dam scared of stallin in tad situation.
i swear i'll juz cry.
:(
but niwae,
the instructor tells mi im doin really fine so yup.
shall take heart.
no more stallin today.
the car was co operative.:))
niwaez.
today lesson was an overachiever's lesson.
i tink i did 2 lessons worth of subjects in today's lesson la.
:)) so yup.
----------------------------------------------
tis was all i could recover.
i like typed a dam long one bt yea..
forget it.
im not gonna type it all over again.
grrr.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
dadadumthumpthump
hmmm.
wogay.
wad else is new.
i hate gettin conned wen lookin fer a serious job.
its annoyin!!!
went fer 3 interviews today n 2 of em were from the same company juz different floors.
annoyin.
oh wellz.
shall pray fer a proper job soon.
i intend to go back to indo on tues if a cant find a proper one over the weekend.
so wad if its 5.5 n only bounces to 6.5aft a while.
its a job i guess.
im sicka wastin away at home.
i figure i get myself a job,
go buy myself a pair of black converse shoes,
chill out n use my silver pen to make it "me" n yea.
juz go work n learn the bar if i can at the same time.
:))
househ.
tml got appreciation svc.
oh shat.
wad's the time.
wait.
i got check.
great.
the letter doesnt include a time.
nvm.
shall juz bounce in the car aft my driving lesson i guess.
:))
speakin of which.
i shall begin driving lessons tml.
:))
my main aim by tml is to master it fast n make it past the 3rd gear module.
:))
i dun have my pdl yet,
and if im not wrong,
tad's bout the highest ya can go witout a pdl.
so yup.
:))
i wanna attain tad by tml.
:))
den hail me 1337.
scarli i come out wit only a one tick.
:(
lol.
i laf myself stupid la.
:))
shiftin to 3rd gear's the 4th tick.
:))
yea.
lolol.
im bored.
shall go find sumthin to do.
wogay.
wad else is new.
i hate gettin conned wen lookin fer a serious job.
its annoyin!!!
went fer 3 interviews today n 2 of em were from the same company juz different floors.
annoyin.
oh wellz.
shall pray fer a proper job soon.
i intend to go back to indo on tues if a cant find a proper one over the weekend.
so wad if its 5.5 n only bounces to 6.5aft a while.
its a job i guess.
im sicka wastin away at home.
i figure i get myself a job,
go buy myself a pair of black converse shoes,
chill out n use my silver pen to make it "me" n yea.
juz go work n learn the bar if i can at the same time.
:))
househ.
tml got appreciation svc.
oh shat.
wad's the time.
wait.
i got check.
great.
the letter doesnt include a time.
nvm.
shall juz bounce in the car aft my driving lesson i guess.
:))
speakin of which.
i shall begin driving lessons tml.
:))
my main aim by tml is to master it fast n make it past the 3rd gear module.
:))
i dun have my pdl yet,
and if im not wrong,
tad's bout the highest ya can go witout a pdl.
so yup.
:))
i wanna attain tad by tml.
:))
den hail me 1337.
scarli i come out wit only a one tick.
:(
lol.
i laf myself stupid la.
:))
shiftin to 3rd gear's the 4th tick.
:))
yea.
lolol.
im bored.
shall go find sumthin to do.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
wonderin.again.
hmmm.
sumtimes in life you wonder if there's really sumthin worth doin.
i get really muddled so much of the time.
if God's given us the victory,
wad's left to prove.
if there's nuttin left to prove to the world,
i would juz throw away all my responsibilities n go do teachin of God's word full time.
i swear.
but den again,
can i be absolutely sure im not shrikin my responsibilities.
funny funny thoughts.
oh wellz.
one muz be responsible.
n all.
shrugs.
i applied fer jobs at indochine n harry's bar.
indo's 5.5 but can be raised to 6.5.
i dunno bout harry's.
they're requirin bartenders which i wanna learn howta become,
but yet i dun haf skill so its iffy.
shrugs.
shall go call em back tml n see if i really stand a chance.
lalalala.
if sumthin is as iffy as love is.
if the person's behavior confuddles you,
if you know inside tad she really seems to be the one fer you,
would you still wanna wait despite all the cold shoulders?
*ponders*
and yea.
its juz ponderin.
dun read too much into it.
i always get a whole lotta shat everytime i pnder here so i shall cma here.:)) yay.
niwae
daddy got a rokr e1.
its got a phone.
i took tis pic wit it.
its my xmas prezzie.
sumtimes in life you wonder if there's really sumthin worth doin.
i get really muddled so much of the time.
if God's given us the victory,
wad's left to prove.
if there's nuttin left to prove to the world,
i would juz throw away all my responsibilities n go do teachin of God's word full time.
i swear.
but den again,
can i be absolutely sure im not shrikin my responsibilities.
funny funny thoughts.
oh wellz.
one muz be responsible.
n all.
shrugs.
i applied fer jobs at indochine n harry's bar.
indo's 5.5 but can be raised to 6.5.
i dunno bout harry's.
they're requirin bartenders which i wanna learn howta become,
but yet i dun haf skill so its iffy.
shrugs.
shall go call em back tml n see if i really stand a chance.
lalalala.
if sumthin is as iffy as love is.
if the person's behavior confuddles you,
if you know inside tad she really seems to be the one fer you,
would you still wanna wait despite all the cold shoulders?
*ponders*
and yea.
its juz ponderin.
dun read too much into it.
i always get a whole lotta shat everytime i pnder here so i shall cma here.:)) yay.
niwae
daddy got a rokr e1.
its got a phone.
i took tis pic wit it.
its my xmas prezzie.
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