there are times.

where i really really detest myself.

for being the sad way i am,

for doubting the way i do,

for fearing the way i do,

for not having the confidence everyone says i should have.

for being too soft,

for being foolish in certain areas of my life.



maybe at times its easier to believe a lie.

cuz you dun hafta face up with the truth.

i really need a break.

its been a gay week.
things are piling on and honestly i dun have time nor space to breathe.
with last week assignments and presentation, exam this week, a million dollar deal to prepare for, 34 levels of 46 walls per levels of system to draw, + tuition lessons to prepare for my kids.
i need time to do what i want.
and that won't come till i finish up the exam and the tender is submitted.

i cant even rest in peace anymore.
3 nights of nightmares back to back and i get less den 6 hours of sleep a night.
i cant even sleep on bus joourneys cuz i get massive headaches once i start worrying about stuff.
thinkin i should be studying on the bus, or going thru drawings.

mentally you know you need the reprieve.
but you cant spare the time nor mantal capacity nor control to order your body to rest.

i really need a break from it all.



i guess here's where army's good in the sense you never burn out cuz you can claim offs.


but in the civilian world,no such thing exists.


juz 3 more days.
till the paper.
den maybe aft that i can rest.


sigh.

im sorry baby.

something only a singaporean would find humour in.

and im not shitting you,nor did i select only a few letters and omit the rest outta frame.
thats it.lol.
best form of advertising eh?

lol

and these are popping up all over the place.

_____________________________________________________________

Things Girl's Don't Know

Guys are more emotional then you think, if they loved you at one point, it'll take them a lot longer then you think to let you go, and it hurts every second that they try. (trust me on this one)

2. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about. (even the pimps)

3. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile. =]

4. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him. (yeah, and it's usually something stupid )

5. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're goin for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method. (oh yes! what guy has not tried this one?)

6. A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to. (yeah, so stop calling 300 guys a day)

7. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved. (yeah so stop calling 300 guys a day)

8. Guys don't care how gorgeous you are, if you're a bitch-- Goodbye. (yeah so stop calling 300 guys a day and work on your personality)

9. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out. ( i can't really add anything to this one)

10. Girls are guys' weaknesses. (i wonder if it's the other way around too?)

11. Guys are very open about themselves (and if their not about something they have a damn good reason)

12. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him more than anything else. (Advice is appreciated though =]

13. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you. (yep, it goes back to that kindergarden kid that was poking the girl he liked with a stick, all the other guy's saw and thought "wow that's a damn good idea!"

14. Guys love you more than you love them. ( yessir)

15. Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful or gorgeous. If a guy uses that, he loves you or likes you a whole hell of a lot. ( this is true)

16. No matter how much guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key. (nice asses or boobs sure help though, don't get me wrong!)

17. Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped. (yeah, if your not compassionate, your insensitive, but if your too compassionate your gay....)

18. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant. (we really do, beleive it or not)

19. If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl. (and what guy hasn't done something stupid?)

20. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside. (this is always true )

21. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that. (so we mean it when we say it)

22. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me." (it's pretty much the only thing we say that means something else, so know it.)

23. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up. (yeah dude, seriously!)

24. When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don't say you aren't. It makes them want to stop telling you because they don't want you to disagree with them. (yeah, it's really annoying when you compliment a girl on her looks and then end up arguing with her!)

25. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something. (unless were just spacing out. so check to see if were blinking)

26. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes. (so get a telescope)

27. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily. (oh yes.)

28. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys. (it's actually true!)

29. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them. (it's very strange)

30. A guy would give his right nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day. (no way! well maybe leftly, but not mr. right!...okay yes mr. right...)

31. No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it. (yeah, so remember, if we seem overwellmed and we don't ask for help, offer it. we'll accept it)

32. Not all guys are assholes. Just because ONE is a jackass doesnt mean he represents ALL of them...just most. good guys' are a dieing breed. (i blame the damn hippies)

33. Guy's love it when girls talk about their boobs. (haha oh yes)

34. When a guy hits your butt it means that he wants you sexually (yeah so avoid guys who do that, they almost always turn out to be Assholes)

35. Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs. (this is actually true! i didn't think i was but i tested it! so we don't admit it or even crack a smile we just grab your arms and pull them away...lol)

36. Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts. (so true, especially after a rough day..)

37. When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible. ( remember this one )

38. Even if you dump a guy months ago and he loved you he probaly still does and if he had one wish it would be you to come back into his life. (this is very true. takes us guys a long time to get over you girls. can you blame us? your awesome!)

juz a lil sumthin

here's a lil sumthing i found rather amusing.

___________________________

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . .. . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

quote quoted

finally had a bit of spare time to take a look arnd at coupla blogs.
and i saw this on dud's which really agreed with something i felt all along.

quoting the lines i truly agree with,

From a guys point of view:

We don't care if you talk to other guys.
We don't care if you're friends with other guys.
But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off.

It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we're still there.

We don't care if a guy calls you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned. Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait till he morning.

Also, when we tell you you're pretty/beautiful/gorgeous/cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it.
Don't tell us we're wrong.We'll stop trying to convince you.

The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.

Yeah, you can quote me.

Don't be mad when we hold the door open.

Take Advantage of the mood im in.

LET US PAY FOR YOU! DON'T 'FEEL BAD' We enjoy doing it. It's expected. Smile and say 'thank you.'

Kiss us when no one's watching.
If you kiss us when you know somebody's looking, we'll be more impressed.

You don't have to get dressed up for us. If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the need to wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you own.

We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are.
Honestly, i think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her pj's.
Or my t-shirt and boxers, not all dolled up.

at the same xroads again.

its almost ironic tad one year down the road,
i find myself at the junction, about to break a promise to myself i made one year back.
funny how the situations are quite similiar despite the vast differences.
and im guessing since the only constant is oneself,
the most obvious answer should be that it lies with me.
and as i was on the insane bus ride home (which i shall bitch about later,) i was was listenin to my reborn ipod cuza my all new UM2s which is an extravagence im only just beginning to regret, 2 songs struck me really really hard.

one was dusk and summer by dashboard confessional,which dam near made my break my promise, and the other was a song by j-holiday.

Dusk and Summer
She smiled in a big way
The way a girl like that smiles
When the world is hers
And she held your eyes

Out in the breeze way
Down by the shore
In the lazy summer.

And she pulled you in
And she bit your lip
And she made you hers.

And she looked
Deep into you as you lay together
Quiet in the grasp
Of dusk and summer.

But you’ve already lost(x3)

When you only had
Barely enough
To hang on.

And she combed your hair
And she kissed your teeth
And she made you better
Than you’d been before

And she told you bad things
You wished you could change
In the lazy summer

And she told you laughing
Down to her core
So she would not cry
As she lay in your lap

And she said
Nobody here can live forever
Quiet in the grasp
Of dusk and summer.

But you’ve already lost (x3)

When you only had
Barely enough
To hang on

And she said no one is alone
The way you are alone
And you held her looser
than you would have
If you ever could have known

Some things tie a life together
In slender threads of things to treasure.
Days like that should last and last and last.

But you’ve already lost (x3)

When you only had
Barely enough
Of her to hang on.

[hang on (x3)]


now taking a few lines outta context and listenin to them sung in tad mournful tone sure as hell gets one emo pls.
but yea.

certain lines really juz stood up and poked me real hard and left me wondering what exactly is the matter with me. i mean problems dun follow you arnd, so if they do, you're the freakin problem ain-it?it aint exactly rocket science.

that being said.
ive got a plan for the next 3 months out,
and if all works well,
hopefully it'll hold a new sunrise for me.

and now for bus driver bitching.

now i dun really know if bus drivers get paid by the hour/trip/ but i freakin suspect they get paid inversely proportionate to the time they take to reach you to your destination and proportionate to the freakin no of passengers they can hold.

imagine going at about 70-80 on a expressway being crammed up like sardines in a can, being next to a really really really old auntie tad no one had the decency to gif up a seat for and who kept gettin tossed around like a twig in a cyclone and kept clingin on to you like her lifeline from a ship in a storm on ONE FREAKIN SIDE, and on the other you have a Fat-Joe sized black dude with cashflow problems he cant afford deo and apparently has no center of gravity so much so that everytime the bus stops, he literally swings like 110 kg of his weight my way. i mean yea im pretty fat myself, but no living person is gonna be able to support 110 kg bumping into him with only a handgrip to secure himself you capesh? and summore lookin aft the auntie on the other side prayin she doest get squashed by the combined weight of both of us should i lose my balance. /ANGST.

coupled with a really mood + emo + long day, im surprised i made it off the bus without screaming expletives.

but then again, ive never really been the instant explosion kinda person rite.

it takes a certain kinda special frustration and exasperation before i lose me cool i guess.

/shrugs.

not tad its a pretty thing to see.

but anyway.

screw bus drivers all you foos should be like em KFC chefs and go back for a refresher course in driving.