Friday, October 31, 2008

buay tong?

buay tong buay tong buay tong.


this is seriously getting old.

on a higher note.

1 step closer to accomplishing things.

on another step.



it'll be over soon.

"keep busy keep busy"

needta keep chanting tad mantra in my head.
if im not doing anithing,i needta be sleeping.

witout a plan.

for a good part of my life,
i've always had my path planned out.
where i am, where i go from here, wad i do if this or that happens.
i dun like being surprised, much less being unprepared for things.
i like things to be all thought out,so that wadever happens, i can deal with it.

and now im stymied.

cuz i have no clue how to deal with this right now.

last nite.

for the first time in as long as i can remember, i had a good dream.
a dream tad left me smiling as my alarm went off and i kept snoozing to try ta prolong the moment.
normally this kinda dreams would leave me scrambling to find my phone to sms the person in question which the dream was about to share the moment and i'll smile my way off to work insteada the normal grumpy catatonic state that i get ready for the morning jams.

this morning.
when i woke, i reached for the phone. and stopped.
and insteada smiling as i head to the toilet..

i had this sudden wrenchin feeling within again.
the day started worse than when i had nightmares.
cuz a nightmare has become a reality.

this is the situation tad im totally unprepared for.
for that matter.some idiot highlighted to me tad maybe this is wad real love is.(/hug the idiot)
the same foo insisted tad the previously thought out rships i had were so calculated, i didnt leave anything to chance, no room for randomness,impulsiveness.
which might have been the case, and might not have as well.

we were trying to find the underlying reason behind why i cant seem to distance myself enuf.

and i realised something.

i was prepared for the breakup.
i just wasnt prepared for wad came after.

the self realization that someone could mean more to you den you are aware of, scores 10% in the imbalance-ben-chart(IBC).
the continued doing of things tad would've made sense when we were together but not tad we're not is ridiculous, another 10% in the IBC.
the hating oneself for agreeing that night, another 10%.
the emotional heart wrenching, 5% outta a possible 10%. i was prepared in a way,juz not prepared for this much.
the confusion within, another 10%.
not knowing where im headed right now, outta 50%, a full 50%.

yay tads my first A* in a long time.

its just weird i guess.
suddenly i find my life not so balanced,
like something's missing.

ive got a plan tho.
how effective it might be remains to be seen.
involves a whole mix of "move on and forget remedies" from pple close to me..
quite interesting to actually know how all these pple whom i hold dear actually move on.
ive never had to resort to any of these methods before,simply becuz there never was a need to have to.
seems like there might be a need now.
its really a whole lotta firsts eh.

the scary part is that i might hafta admit to myself, that i dun wanna give up.
have no desire to.cuz the feeling still remains.

for now,
im gonna pretend like it all is as it was before.

and enjoy smiling at the "10 mins more...10 mins more..dun disturb..PLEASE OKAY 5 MINS K PLZ."

2 songs in my head.

hole in the world - eagles.
heal me im heartsick - no vacancy.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

amusing as hell.

this is sumthin i found.=)

funny as hell for the first read.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
‘If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.’


also found...

a christmas present PERFECT for someone special.=)

check tad shit out.

its yours btw.
i'll hang it on a wall about 2 metres away from you,
judging by your accuracy at the bball game..
by the time you snooze it, you'll be awake alr.

soon as i can figure howta order it.
i'll prob buy one for myself also.
just to ego tad i shoot dam well.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

unique conversations.

yest was a study in contradictions.

2 meals with very singularly different pple.

i had lunch with someone i only met slightly more then a year ago..
and we talked about things.
and her words.. really touched me..
as well as nearly cracked this new shell im erecting around myself.
when i started, i had all these in mind already.
as in final point objectives..
but to hear her say it..
so frankly and without the slightest bit of discomfort and knowing that acceptance had already been won and to them i was considered a member of the family..
it really touched me i guess..
i didnt expect to have succeeded to this extent..
but im pleased i guess.
that she trusted me enough.. for a lot..
even to the point of having plans for us.
amazing stuff.

its always nice to have pple believe in you.
even better when you mentally know its someone important in the general scheme of things,
and that with this kinda sumtimes feel you can fly.=)

supper was with zy.
as was kinda like back to ns days..

"eh cb.tah ping ai mai"

"dun wan la.busy.studying."

"okie bai"

5 mins later as i get into the car....

"eh where you now"

"about to drive home lo.wai"

"eh lai lai teh ping"

"k call you wen im nearing your place"

props to him for really pursuing his music dreams.
at least he's pushing in like mad.=)
and we just chatted i guess.

okie im gonna stop here.

i just saw something tad just made me emo like fuck.

ive been watching that space for a really long time.
hoping and hoping.
tad it wouldnt change for at least a while more.

yea tad did pierce the shell.

Monday, October 20, 2008


i never thought it would hurt this much.

not at all.

i knew i loved you.
perhaps even more den anyone previously.
but not till this point.

but then again.
realisation is too late isnt it.

i told myself a long time ago, that i would never allow myself to regret something like that again.

but now all i feel is regret.

regret that i allowed the headiness of the moment to get away from me.
that night was supposed to be a night for us to work out things.
instead i lost you.
instead of getting stronger in our love, i lost it entirely.

i really never expected this.

and i guess that's just the way things go.
in this game that we played.
it can swing anyway, any time i guess.

i just wish the loss didnt hurt so much.
tad your tone and words now wouldnt seem like lances piercing right thru me.
that i didnt feel like a fool for tryin.

and for once i find myself unable to numb myself to wad im feeling.

i find myself creating delusions for myself so i can deal with things better.
and then smashing them apart a few minutes later for i know the truth.
for i dun like deluding myself.

the icy cold

it sweeps across the open plains,
claiming all it passes as its domain,
and where it goes it leaves a trail,
the mark of a hunter on its kill.

it shows no mercy nor emotion,
its a force in constant motion,
one that touches and casts in stone,
everything it touches it calls its own.

it has the power to stop time in its place,
to hold wounds open in time and space,
to stop teardrops from rolling down,
to freeze the eyebrows before the frown.

okie fuck this
zero inspiration and i really cant continue.

summed up.


pure and unadulterated.


slow and warm.

the empty feeling inside.

ever present and constantly stabbing.

i didnt think i'll hurt so much.
to hafta let you go.
i never thought you would be the one that'll i'll end up crying over.
more then i have ever done before. never ever before so long, so often.
simple cuz i knew you right from the start and i knew wad to expect.
but why are the tears falling.
more then ever before.
i find myself with tears brimming at the most random of times,
with this aching loss that extends beyond the heart and mind.
i never thought i would reach a state of being attached where i would lose sleep over another.
and for 2 nights now ive laid in my bed tinking about us and all that is lost.

(on the flipside, do you know why pillows have 2 sides? 1 side's for you to wet with your tears, and the other is for you when you tink you are able to go back to sleep. so its cry,stop,flip,tryta sleep,about to cry,flip,cry.cry finish,flip,tryta get the idea.:D i r brilliant.=D)

can i block it out?
yes i can.

do i wish to block it out?

because it tells me how much i really did love you.
and if it hurts so much. it only means tad for that period of time,
it really was perfect and right. in every meaning of the word love.
did we cheapen the word at any point in time in our relationship?
i tink we did pretty aight.=)

Friday, October 17, 2008

building a mystery, living the fantasy.

i was listening to sarah's building a mystery the other day.
from her greatest hits album.
and i was reminded of a post i made a while ago.

there's no denying that life is hard.
and that at certain times, the truth is a little hard to take.
amd what i believe happens is that our body tries to compensate, and starts telling ourselves certain things.

like "its gonna be fine", "things will work out in the end"

sometimes they do, sometimes they don't, but they get you thru the day.

but wad happens when you actually start believing all this stuff.
that is untrue, and is just basically your way of dealing with things, or rather, NOT dealing with things.

truths tad are like "everything's okay wad", "what's wrong"

things that were once a matter of concern, suddenly become non-important, becuz you've dismissed them so many times already.
i believe thats when things start to happen.

im the sorta person that believes that problems do not resolve themselves.
there's a window of time available to resolve it.
and when that window passes, the problem becomes non-consequential anymore.
it does not resolve itself, it just passes becuz the consequence is a foregone conclusion.
and sometimes by deluding ourselves this way, we dont notice that we might have actually missed out something else. This foregone conclusion could've been adverted, could've been explored and we might have preferred it over the choice that by guidance of this avoidance we made. Is the grass greener over the other side?
i dun really subscribe to that theory.
I would prefer to go see the grass on both sides, before making my decision on where to swing..
opportunities come and go in flashes.

sometimes its juz there, asking to be grabbed, but you arent around. and perhaps, that little moment might have enriched something in your own life. But you would never find out.

i often wonder if i take things for granted. whether becuz im so safe and secure, i like to compare and see the grass on the other side. but then again, sometimes i wonder if its juz human to want the best of both worlds.

i'm in a state right now where im pretty much emotionless.
i dun wanna feel, becuz if i do, i would just slip further into unhappiness and the lonely isle of self depression.
i dunno how i reached this state, or why im in this stage right now.
as a matter of fact, here's some self delusion evident right here and now.
i do know actually.
but i dun wish to confront it..
cuz i know that confronting it wouldnt help the situation.
in fact, it might even make things worse.
or would it?

by deluding myself that i dunt know,
i wouldn't ever find out.
and to be honest, this lil bit of self-delusion, is all that's keeping me afloat at the moment.

im tired beyond words,
tired of being alone.

im singing songs tad i would've never sang before,
just becuz the a line in the lyrics make sense at the moment.
while i keep silent, in the words of alv, "who's there for me".

there are just times where you wish there was that someone there to just hold you and tell you everything's gonna be fine.
times where you feel amazingly alone despite being surrounded by pple.

who fills you up.

who warms you from the insides.

i have my 1 person.

do you?

food for thought.

Sunday, October 12, 2008


you know,
i guess like everyone else.
there's something tad drives you on.
the something tad motivates you to push on in spite of everything.
the x factor that allows you to stand tall despite of everything.

i guess mine is hope.
hope that things can be the way i would love them to be.
hope tad i can make a difference.
hope tad i can matter.
hope tad for a better life,
hope for a better future.
hope for dreams to be achieved.

and i guess the reason why im so ffuckin depressed now.

is just that ive lost hope.

the smile.

the smile is one that covers a frown,
the fake expresssion when one is down,
the archin of corners of simple line,
makes everyone think that all is fine.

when the world blinks and turns away,
no one cares nor attention they will pay,
to the smile which then will quickly dim,
replaced by a straight line an emotionless scene.

who would care to see beyond the smile,
smile means you haf no reason to frown,
who would care to go beneath the surface,
when all you wanna accept is upon one's face.

when the reason for living suddenly fades away,
old dreams are shattered and pale in grey,
what's pushing you on this very day,
what makes you"aye" or makes you "nay"

do the similiar standards still apply,
or have they by virtue modified,
cuz while the reason for giving hasnt changed,
the drive behind the giving suddenly cant be regained.

the genuinely happy curving lips,
the eyes tad twinkle as the laugh lines dip,
its been a long time since they've seen the light,
much as the owner think he's losing the fight.

sometimes you wonder if its all meaningless.
cuz the reason for pushing is still in nothingness.

sigh okay slipping into depressions mode.
fuck this.
basketball work and school.
bball work and school.

i was blog hoppin the other day.
and i saw this line.

about how a particular person had an influence on the blogger.
and how the blogger didnt like it.

and i realise.
tad im not much better.

and i should be stiffening myself up?

fuck i dunno.
talking about it really doesnt help.
kinda just builds the exasperation and frustration up.
(thanks josh and dud for listening tho)

maybe im juz physically and mentally tired.
maybe all i need is sleep.
yea sleep.

there was this post i read:

"im feeling really happy.
kinda looking forward to every new day.
are you lookin forward to tmr?"

and tbh,
when i asked myself tad question.

i'm not lookin forward to tmr.

and im not happy.

quite the opposite i guess.

but like all battles that rage within myself. its a silent battle tad the victor is still ultimately the loser.

fuck all this emo shit.

its really not helping.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

the age old weariness.

i feel like im going thru a phrase.
one that definitely is not the best for me.

something tad would drive me into a state where i would be amazingly silent and depressed until i find a good enuf reason to not be.


i was looking for an old song title thru my old smses.

me being the sentimental sucker,

i have quite a shitload of smses saved.

and along the way,

i just read a few of the more interesting ones.

and suddenly, this pang kinda shot thru me.

one reflected not much long later by slightly moist eyes.

and i really know not wad to feel or say.

looking back at the tones, the words, the overall feel.

i cant help but feel dismayed.

has so much changed?

why is everything so different now.


and the only consolation is that the past will never again become the present, and all tad lies ahead is the future and wad you make of it.

but what if that is never enuf.


its the age old weariness.

the slump of the shoulders.
the unsmiling lips.
the smile, albeit one frought with tiredness and resignation.

where did it all go.

when did the change happen.

was i the cause of it all?

am i the reason for the present situation?

did i by some means or methods, screw myself up by removing the very elements i loved.

sigh this isnt gettin me anywhere.

accounting time.

im such a terribly emo fucker i swear.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008


someone once asked me this :

"if you didnt know something with regards to a certain person, and if knowing would make you extremely unhappy, would you still want to know?"

i told the bro :


and ive never regretted knowing.

in that instant, lots came clear and tho it hurt like a s.o.b when i first heard that, went thru the usual denial and all before admittin to myself that it was most probably true, knowing was infinitely better den not knowing.

im an extremely jealous person.
as my baby would gladly tell anyone who would listen,
as well as being an uber emo kid.

im prone to rage fits, that i'll most of the time regret within the next half hour and spent the next 3 days apologising to whoever was that unfortunate soul who took the brunt of it(which of late has been my baby.=((((((((()

but despite it all.

i think tad knowledge of truth, the situation as it is, is extremely important.

im the sort that believes that while i dun need a minute by minute breakdown o your day, i would still like to know the vague points so at least i know whats going on in the person's life.

i mean.
its all about communication and the little things that keep you 2 together and moving on hand in hand rite?

i mean..if you have no clue, wads the difference between you guys and a pair of strangers.

but then again.
my extremely idealistic views again.hahaha.
which many are terrified of.

i guess i am the idealist.

cynic on the outside,
ultimate idealist on the inside.

damn im such a mess of contradictions.
okie this isnt helping my accountin assignment one bit.


freaky dreams

for some reason.
im getting more and more prone to nightmares.

last night i slept at 2 am.

within the 4 hours to morning wakefulness,

i had like consecutive nightmares.

the first was me driving a lambo.
going thru a corner at 170km/h, and nearly flipping over.
whilst tad was just thrills, the next was a lot freakier.
the next corner was taken at 250km/h and my car did flip over.
and for some reason, i was driving with my family and my baby in the lambo.
now my mind realised tad lambos are 2 seaters in any case, but my lambo had room for 6 pple./shrugs.
den it flipped over like those kinda movie scenes where it zooms out and flip flip flip flip flip flip den booooooooom!

den i was with josh and the rest and palying bball, and then they suddenly could jump dam high and could do slam dunks. so everyone was dunking, when the hoop's rim became a slicer and started slicing them to ribbons.

den next i was having dinner with fysh and alv and they were eating shitload of muffins,
den i realised the muffins had like this glazed coating on them and i was like "shit is that melamine" and they were like "yea man. ftw" and continued chomping.

den i woke up thak God to my baby's msg and tad one ended prematurely.

den i next dreamt about something alot darker which i shall not post.
suffice to say it was a tornado of paper.

stupid subconscious mind was determined to annihilate all the pple i hold dear to me in like 1 night i swear.

weird ass hell dreams.

thank God for morning alarms.

but then again its dreams like this,

tad leave you awake,

and when you wake,

you thank God.

Thank God for keeping each and everyone tad you hold dear to yourself,

still here with you this very day.


i watched a movie a while back.
will smith movie.
had it on my com for the longest time but i forgot about it.
only realised i had it when i was backing up all my data.

the pursuit of happyness.

true life story of how someone from the streets can still make it big.
but i somehow i felt that the main reason behind his motivation, the thing tad drove him on, was his son.

and that leads me to this here melacholy post.

is it just me, or does happiness require more then just yourself.

in light of recent events, i realised something,

by yourself, you are content.

with another, you are happy.

happy is not a solo performance.

what is happiness to me.
what is content to me.

content is having my own mode of transportation.
happiness is having my baby sitting next to me in my car.

content is a book and no one to disturb me.
happiness is reading a book next to my baby.

content is walking along the beach and enjoying the wind in your hair.
happiness is walking along the beach with my baby swinging our hands and spamming nonsense at each other.

content is knowing i live in a home.(not house, home)
happiness is building a home of my own.

content is knowing im loved.
happiness is feeling loved.

content is knowing you have cash n time for the next meal.
happiness is knowing having tad meal with my baby.

content is knowing.
happiness is feeling.

the saying goes behind every man lies a woman.

i just believe it simplified = behind every person must be a motivation.

be it happiness,
be it satisfaction, be it,glory,fame and fortune.

every road leading to a goal requires work, sacrifice and time.

i think ive chosen my primary goal to be happy.
life's too short to be sian.
God knows i spent too many years of my life being that.

ordering the above into personal perspective,

happiness,satisfaction, fortune. screw glory and fame, im not good looking enuf for either. realistic ftw.


i often wonder if im falling into a whole new kinda fatalism/cycnicism phase.

there's a line from a LP song.

"i become so numb, i cant feel you there,"

are you numb to how you feel?

food for thought.

Friday, October 03, 2008


only got a B+ for my marketing module.
but considering that there were only 3 As in a class of about 60.
and only 4 B+s its aight i guess.
still amongst the top 10 students.
i was hoping to maintain a A average.
oh wellz.

on a second note.
i needta go shopping.

i wanna buy:

1)a new pair of levis
2)a new pair of running shoes
3)a new pair of walking shoes
4)a new pair of bball shoes
5)new shirts

and on a third note.
i wanna go to dam bintan.
why the hell is it so dam hard to organise a trip.
stupid regulation set by parents just makes anything dam hard.

on a fourth note, i wanna go dancing at o bar.
its been dam long sinced i danced.
i dun need booze, i just want some time to hang it all loose, enjoy myself.
fat man dancing for me is really quite a relaxation.
where anithing goes and like no one really gives a dam so long as you enjoy yourself.
its like a perpertual smile on your face when you dance i swear.

random post done.

i miss my baby.