witout a plan.

for a good part of my life,
i've always had my path planned out.
where i am, where i go from here, wad i do if this or that happens.
i dun like being surprised, much less being unprepared for things.
i like things to be all thought out,so that wadever happens, i can deal with it.

and now im stymied.

cuz i have no clue how to deal with this right now.

last nite.

for the first time in as long as i can remember, i had a good dream.
a dream tad left me smiling as my alarm went off and i kept snoozing to try ta prolong the moment.
normally this kinda dreams would leave me scrambling to find my phone to sms the person in question which the dream was about to share the moment and i'll smile my way off to work insteada the normal grumpy catatonic state that i get ready for the morning jams.

this morning.
when i woke, i reached for the phone. and stopped.
and insteada smiling as i head to the toilet..

i had this sudden wrenchin feeling within again.
the day started worse than when i had nightmares.
cuz a nightmare has become a reality.

this is the situation tad im totally unprepared for.
for that matter.some idiot highlighted to me tad maybe this is wad real love is.(/hug the idiot)
the same foo insisted tad the previously thought out rships i had were so calculated, i didnt leave anything to chance, no room for randomness,impulsiveness.
which might have been the case, and might not have as well.

we were trying to find the underlying reason behind why i cant seem to distance myself enuf.

and i realised something.

i was prepared for the breakup.
i just wasnt prepared for wad came after.

the self realization that someone could mean more to you den you are aware of, scores 10% in the imbalance-ben-chart(IBC).
the continued doing of things tad would've made sense when we were together but not tad we're not is ridiculous, another 10% in the IBC.
the hating oneself for agreeing that night, another 10%.
the emotional heart wrenching, 5% outta a possible 10%. i was prepared in a way,juz not prepared for this much.
the confusion within, another 10%.
not knowing where im headed right now, outta 50%, a full 50%.

yay tads my first A* in a long time.

its just weird i guess.
suddenly i find my life not so balanced,
like something's missing.

ive got a plan tho.
how effective it might be remains to be seen.
involves a whole mix of "move on and forget remedies" from pple close to me..
quite interesting to actually know how all these pple whom i hold dear actually move on.
ive never had to resort to any of these methods before,simply becuz there never was a need to have to.
seems like there might be a need now.
its really a whole lotta firsts eh.
sigh.

the scary part is that i might hafta admit to myself, that i dun wanna give up.
have no desire to.cuz the feeling still remains.

for now,
im gonna pretend like it all is as it was before.

and enjoy smiling at the "10 mins more...10 mins more..dun disturb..PLEASE OKAY 5 MINS K PLZ."


2 songs in my head.

hole in the world - eagles.
heal me im heartsick - no vacancy.