Monday, December 18, 2006 update

before i start,
song of the moment.:P


This may never start.
We could fall apart.
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?
So get back, back,
back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
I'll tear us apart.
Can I be your enemy?
Losing half a year.
Waiting for you here
I'd be your anything.

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.

Holding on to feel the same.
This may never start.
Tearing out my heart.
I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.(I'd be your memory)
Feelings disappeared.
Can I be your memory?
So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.
This may never start.
We could fall apart
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?
Can I be your memory?

no meanin whatsoever,
but go downld the acoustic version.
1 x (y)

life been good as of late.
im now the overworked n underpaid ops spec in 3da.
life is stressful cuz i work under e 3rd muz impt dude n he's got a megalomaniac complex tad is quite freaky on his underlings.
so we work under constant fear each day.
we get really short lunch breaks cuz we're understaffed.
so lunch is insteada 1.5 hrs is like .5 hrs instead.
which sucks big blue thumbs pls.

im gettin better at wow.
i've rolled a 2nd char so yea.:P
levellin it up alot fast den my 1st 2.
beyond that.
nothing much.

im no longer wit qi.
so you pple can stop askin me whether im still wit her wenever you see her wit other guys.
i appreciate the gesture tho.:))
makes me know im loved.:))

druggie's finally back in singapore.
slept at 11 last nite,
woke up at 430 to shower n get ready,
den went to the mrt to catch the 1st train down cuz her flight was supposed to land at 630.
looked at the 1st train timin the timign to get the airport,
realised there's no way in the cold blue hell i was gonna reach there in time,
got off the platform,cabbed there wit ruddy midnight surcharge still on(yes it was dam bloody early),
den went to the airport to walk anrd n wait.:))
finally saw her.:)) gave my regards n headed to fysh's to chill out before headin home.

i realise in life change is inevitable.
n i dunno why i resist it so.
even wen its for the better,
its for my own personal good,
i resist change.
n while the world moves on,
i get left behind n have only myself to blame.
this cant go on.
i wanna be able to achieve better things.
n the state i am now will not have tad kinda results.
simply stated.
either i change or condemn myself.

all in all.
life's been good.
my 2 closer female frens in pj who went overseas are back so there's a lil more cheer in me.
my sista aint comin back.:(
im not exactly enthralled wit my job but as with the sayin i've learnt,
"when shit comes,it comes in hugeass lumps"
so yea.
not exactly awe inspirin words,
but defintely very VERY true.
it never comes in lil bits tad you can handle.

Friday, November 24, 2006


so much has been happenin lately.
i dunno why but im juz so filled wit frsutration im totally annoyed.
like bite your head off in 1 big chomp kinda pissed off.

update on me now.
i've graduated my course in AFS,
im now in 3DA,my last n final postin,where i'll get my 3rd n hopefully 4th stripe.
i got posted to OPs room,which means i work ina office kinda environment,
workin directly under a major.
the major's a MAJOR pain in the ass,so it aint exactly a good thing.
good thing is tad i dun pull tad many duties so i oughta be able to get my weekends pretty frequently.
which if i had gone to either missle batteries insteada overseein em like im doin now,i wouldnt haf.
i dunno why im so frustrated actually.
i should be rejoicing.
but im still feelin disruntled.
maybe its the pple im posted with.
in this move to the ops room,
im seperated from my closest course mates n their enjoyments,
the tv,dvds n all the other nonsense tad we do in AFS.
stuff tad i was so lookin forward to wen i came to unit.

things wit qi are also extremely frustratin.
the line tad was so clearly drawn once has eroded to sumthin so insignificant.
i myself dun know where i stand anymore.
n i dunno wad im doin.
i feel hopeless n helpless.

screw it.
im done talkin.
coupla pics from the past coupla weeks.

Sunday, November 05, 2006


here's a lil bit of wad its all about.:))

Friday, November 03, 2006

at long last

as i juz got cussed on my own blog fer not updatin,
(fer fysh's entertainment wen wow is down fer maintainence i suspect.:P)
i shall update now.
the reasonf er the lack of updates is cuz i've been wowin on the weekends n the com here in AFS doesnt allow you to log into blogger fer sum security reason,
which is quite absurd since they allow us to send mail n its alot easier to sent sensitive material thru email den to do it via blogger dun you tink so?
but yea.
nuf with the outta pointness.
im currently doni this via email,
typin this via yahoo mail n sendin it to my self so wen i book out all i needta do is copy n paste n backdate it to the corect date.
reason:i dun wanna gif up wow time.
its the 1st time im up to such a high level the feelin's exhileratin.
this is the furthest i've been in the game n the feelin is quite shiok.
imma shadow priest,an officer in the guild(which i 70+% singaporean),maxed out both my professions,which i've never done before in all my yrs playin via my stupid alaraintok.
so yea.
im really really happy wit the way things are turnin out fer me in the game now.
wen i get abck all i needta do is level 1.2 times n i oughta be able to take part in the zg raid alr.
which is awesomely 1137 cuz i've never done a raid before.
EPIX here i come.
wad else is new in my life.

this being wednesday mornin.
as of today,
im officailly no longer wit miss qq.
reasons i shall not cite cuz i told myself tad its my fault as much as anybody's.
so i shall juz keep my mouth shut.
but yea.
its official,
its infal,n its over.
im fine,im okie,im numb.
reason will be explained later.

you know.
its been such a long time since i've updated this thing.
i found myself wantin to update this wen a certain sum1 left in her honor,
but up till today,
i've yet to do so cuza WoW.
i shall do it now.

in the past 3 months,
i've lost almuz all the close non attached to me famels in my life in one sense or the other.
druggie left 1st,
maisie 2nd,
n now jie,juz last fri.
one reason why i'm so cold regardin the break is cuz i haf no more emotional energy left to feel anithin aft jie left.

the number of females i hold in my confidence are few n far between.
lets try listin em.
jie,ma,druggie,maise,g,rah(if she would bother to pick up the phone),n maybe one or two other in my pj frens n elsewhere tad are stil findin my way into full confidence.
literally a handful.
so yea.
their leaving has affected me alot.
i dunno why it is so.
this pple are the pple i go to wenever i feel down,
wenever i juz need to be TOTALLY n ABSOLUTELY truthful fer comfort n hopefully a solution or insight tad would point me the rte way.
the fact tad i can be so comfortable arnd em allows em to say perfunctuary statements tad lead to my eventual realisation of solutions n hard facts pertainin to the situation tad i hafta face despite denyin em fer ages.
of those liestedn
i dun tink there's one tad has not heard of my problems wit qi at one point or another.
they all dun haf the full picture,
as i go to a different everytime sumthin pops up so as to get a totally neutral perspective,n at the same time protect qi but avail.wad's done's done.
comin back to the topic at hand.

since i'ce written sumthin fer druggie alr.
here's sumthin fer mei.

that meal we went out fer's probably sumthin i'll remember fer the longest time.
i doubt you realise it,but its only the 2nd time we've ever been out together to actually sit down n talk witout pple's eyes on us.
the 1st been way back in sec 4 wen we were out shoppin fer sutff to bring fer retreat in june but never did end up buyin anythin n i remember you made me wait fer FORTY-FIVE MINS n arrived witout a ruffle in your hair,no apologies n juz said "lets go"
i can still remember fumin inside at far east's lobby.
den quitely followin you as you went out lookin fer your stuff.
i remember not really havin to buy anithin,but juz wantin to go out wit you.
those were innocent joyous days i guess.
i can still remember REAL days,
where we all saw each other almuz everyday,3 months at a go.
i remember how you would always rush into class late,
how you,jie n jeanie n sam would juz talk amongst yourselves whilst i hadta forge out an altogether new brotherhood wit clemon,blindly gropin outa way whilst i envied the intimacy tad was already in place wit ya'll.
i still remember tad bus ride wit your brother where you look clem in the face and said to me n your bro."never mind,clemon like me wad.rite clem."
n suddenly he turned beetred n you had abosolutely no clue you hit the nail rite on the head n i juz laffed till i turned blue whilst your brother turned to you n siad "wah kaoz,you're really too much"n watched you turned away.
made fer a extrememyl awkward yet entertainin bus ride.
i recall the jc yrs,where we slowly grew apart,you wit your dance life n all,me wit my hockey.
how we would rarely talk,but how we always seem to click wen united fer any project by church,be it dance or wadsoever.
effortlessly i would say.
how as we matured,so did our conversations,our mannerisms n the way we treat each other.
lastly,that meal we went out fer before you left,
how the auntie came out n teased us to no end.
left me rollin wit lafta as we bother desperately tried to convinced her i was attached n you had your boy.
tinkin bout the auntie who kapped a lil our our ice cream still puts a smile on my face.
you're missed maisie.
i was talkin to your brother aft you left whilst online.
i asked him"do you miss her alr"
he replied flatly"not really.pls lo.i tink you miss her more den i do"
i came up wit sum lame retort n went back to WoWing.
in tad sense i guess imma lil emotional boy.
i miss pple easily.
esp the ones i truly care for n look out fer.
you're one of those.:)) n i'll be waitin to take you out wen you finally come back,all the world wiser n ready to take on wadever challenges comes your wy.

but you know wad?
above all?
i'll miss those smges.
on those lonely 190 bus rides,tad wenever it rains,
if you're out there in a bus ride,
you would msg me sumthin totally sincere n sombre.
n i would always smile to myself aboard the bus,
reply wit sumthin befittin your honesty n juz feel contented knowin you.
tad's a lil magic tad i always treasure.

as fer jie.
dear jie.
i would always be your pillar of strength.
no matter wadever mite stumble you.
call to me n i'll be there.
as yourself.
i have similair regrets.
i regret not spendin enuf time wit you,
not caterin my free time to you.
we both made that mistake i guess.
in out worldly pursuits be neglected the person tad means the must to us.
i rmember only the few instances where i've been able to be there fer you,
comin home from sch n seein you sobbin by your bedside over a certain person,
gently strokin out your hair whilst you sobbed.
i remember not doin the same wen zn happened,
cuz i didnt see you react,
n tot you were okay.
but knowin now tad emotions cant be ignored,only sotred,wishin i had helped you overcome it n move along you way.
i remember goin to all your performances,albeit a lil reluctanlty,cuza computer or girls or wadever,but i would eventually be there to support you grudginly but always wen im there,screamin out fer you,
feelin as proud fer you as can be.
esp all those handbells recitals you had way back in mg.
i never told you how proud i was to have a sister who could do all tad.
you looked up to mariko.
i wonder if you ever knew how many pple look up to you the way you did her n you maintain oblivious to it all.

you're missed jie.
i realised sumthin spiritually about me in the car ride down to sendin you off.
i can only be an instrument of God in prayer wen i truly care fer tad person.
before i opened my mouth,
i didnt haf a clue as to wad to pray.
but yet wen i said the 1st line,.
qoutin the muz simplest of all verses,
you showed me where my limitations in paryer were n how to make the best o it.
up till today,
i still can rememeber how the tears rolled down my face in the car as i prayed.
my words were flat,
not emotionall evokin words,but the tears,anabashed,unfettered n unspoiled,they rolled for the loss of your physical presence in my life.
tad inevitable surrender to God's will tad none of us had a say in.
i threw away all illusiions of granduer,of being able to protect you cuz i kew i wouldnt be able to,n cried to God in surrender,liftin you into His arms.
i never knew i could cry like tad.
aft tad prayer,i told myself to be strong,your frens were goin to be at the airport,i wouldnt show weakness.
but as you finally broke down before stoppin thru,
strangly i felt no fear,no pain.
but wen ou entered the glass door,waved goodbye,wen you finally disappeared outta my sight,
despite myself.
the tears rolled down infronta everyone.
my weakness fer everyone to see.
my weakness is my love.
mylove for you,
for pa,ma,ernie,fer everyone i hold dear.
woe be to the person who abuses the love.
outta weakness i find my strength.
n i juz pray God take care of you.

to thses 3 very special pple in foreign lands.
may God keep you n bless you greatly.
know tad everynite befopre i go to bed.
each n everyone of you spend more den 1 min in my prayers
take care o yourselves.
n wen you call come back,
may ya'll be stronger in faith,
wiser in stature,
still tad same sum1 special.

imma sign off soon.
tml beings my outfiedl.
goin out to amoy guee camp to pitch tents all over again n sleep on mud.
back to the basics i guess.
same thing repeated the wholea next week n life'll be good.
its the 1st of nov today,time wen i began this entry's 1245.:))
be seein ya'll soon on the weekend.
till then.:))

Friday, September 22, 2006


heh.its been like forever since i came here to speak my mind.
heh.been too distracted wit wow i swear.
air force has been good to me i guess.
swear im gettin fat man.
a basic day would start at 530,
have us doin 5 bx plus a 2.4-3.2km run,
followed by breakfast n den back to bunk to sleep till about 730 before you wake up n do are cleanin n den get ready for lessons.
the lessons are muzly mentally taxing.
stayin awake's a major problem man.
the exams come at you fast n furious,
i have one next week once i book in again.
roughly in a single week we have a bout 3-4 exams,
all extremely important n wit OOC potential.
(OOC-out o course,i.e you fail n wait 3 more months to redo everythin again.)

muz days we end at bout 530-6 less those days we haf exms where we take the exams till about 8 plus.
den we usually head to the gym to round off the day before heading to air force one mess to enjoy a beer n sing karaoke.

sounds like good life huh??
not really.
countin i dun drink beer which is the only liqour there,
i'm not much of a karoke person,
im usually too shacked to hit the gym tho i make sure i play soccer everyday,
basically,the studyin can kill pls.:@:@:@:@
i dun mind physical.
physical = good.


yea.i suscribe to tad ideal.
pain is welcome.hahaha
considering at the end of course we hafta run 10k at about less den 5 min per k,
im guessin its only natural i gotta start buildin up now.

life is good.
got another 4 k run tml at safti again.
oh wells.
SAF's gota whole loadsa runs.
annoyin i swear.

hey to nat,est n D.:))

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Cpl Ben off to the Air Force.

i slept on wed nite at 3,woke up at 530.
went for a 28k route march tad commenced at 9 in the evenin.
n marched all thru the nite.
came back.
stood still for more den half an hour,
pinned on my 2 stripes.
went back to bunk,
did area cleaning n stores cleanin for a good 10 hrs before i was allowed to leave.
sat in fear as the postins were read out.
prayin tad i wunt get aslc.
rejoiced wen i was posted to TAFS.
which stands fer sumthin air force school.
took a cab home,
wowed till 4 in the mornin.
woke up at 8 to help look aft ernest who had his gifted exam test.
den wowed till 6 while keepin him company.
den rushed down to zouk for the bash.
so basically,
i've been awake for close to 72 hrs on juz 4 hrs of sleep.

im a cpl!!!:))
half a sgt.
happy i am to leave sispec.
forsaken place.
but plab is really incredibly far.
prob take me about an hr n a half to reach tad place.
oh well.
but at least i get to wear sumthin else besides the green uniform.
n my beret's special.
so at least there's a lil pride i guess.
tml still got run in the mornin.
oh wellz.

Friday, August 18, 2006

the 2nd part

here be the 2nd part o the entry tad was supposed to be completed the nite before.
been too engrossed wit tryin to get my new WoW char levelled up.

here goes.
its been a long time since i did sumthin like tad so excuse the coarseness of things.

the kite flyer

skies of the deepest blue,
edges tinged wit lighter hues,
an open plain of moving grass,
leaves' dew shinin like polished glass.

he stepped forward upon the field,
a young man wit his own time to kill,
in his hand he held a spool n kite,
he thought he mite wanna take it for a flight.

he tied the spool to himself,
fastened his belt loop thru its well,
loosened the line n began to run,
his sweat glistened under the mornin's sun.

little by little the kite bobbed n swayed,
he kept runnin,not wantin to let it fall away,
den soon the kite began to soar,
he could slow down n appreciate wad his efforts had been for.

the line was slack in his hands,
he could drag it wherever he went,
to the left or to the right,
the kite was never outta his sight.

but the kite soon flew up high,
where the currents soon swept it across the skies,
the line became taut in his hands,
he made effort to regain control again.

but the wind juz kept goin on,
all he could do was juz hold on,
he found himself runnin all over the plain,
the effort had him labourin in pain.

the line began to cut his palm,
streaks of blood began to run,
still he wouldnt let it go,
tad kite meant dearly to him so.

he kept lookin at the skies up high,
hopin tad the end of the wind would be nigh,
but juz wen the wind suddenly seemed to slack,
before he could do anithin,it would juz be back.

pain etched his features,
tears began to run,
suddenly kiteflyin didnt seem,
all tad fun.

but tad kite,
he wouldnt let go,
he worked so hard for it,
to him it was gold.

tis went on for the longest time,
till finally it all took a toll on his mind,
his hands were numb from the loss of blood,
the pain so evident had become dark.

he found himself numb,
juz holdin on,
found a place to sit down,
a shelter from the storm.

the string still he wouldnt release,
he knew the kite'll come back if it pleased,
he wanted to be there to pick it up before it hit the ground,
to him it called him witout a sound.

some called him stupid,
some a fool,
why hold on to something,
tad doesnt hold on to you.
why the agony,
wen the rest await,
lined up on racks,
cash you didnt hafta pay.
juz outside the field,
the kites mingled,
pickin one out,
it would be single.

but the kiteflyer wouldnt let this one slip away,
not aft all he'd done to have things this way.
the run he took to get it to fly,
he held on to the line wit a grip tad'll never die.

till this day he still holds on,
starin at the kite still flyin high.
buffeted by the high winds,
the line still is taut,
the pain it causes,
the damage is wrought.
few can understand,
tho many more wonder why,
he hopes so much,
why he wouldnt let it die.

tad's the secret the kiteflyer keeps,
for in his heart is an emotion so deep,
an attachment to his kite beyond logic,
he only prays it returns before he gets too weak.

the end.

not too shabby for sum1 so outta practise i believe.:))
time's tickin away.
my baby's asleep behind me.
contentment describes how i've been for the past 2 days.
luxurious indulgence being able to seem perpertually in her company.
the troubles always seem to start wen we're not in each other's presence.
trust is such a valuable thing in a relationship i believe.
once its gone,
tad's wen insecurity,suspicion n eventual hurt n all tad kinda nonsense begins.
to all out there attached.
build the trust.
it could mean the world.:))
take tad from a learned soul wit about 3 days exp behind him.

imma send her to he next lesson.
n its back to Wow for me.
at least dwellin in the pits wunt be lonely wit WoW.:))
the world is your oyster,
IF n only IF you know howta shuck it.:))

sorry to maise regardin the party last nite.
really too late an invite for me to really stand a chance to go.
heh.old fashioned parents need about 2,3 days warnin in advance la.:))
but i still love mummy n daddy all the same.:))

shall send baby to class now.:))
tataz all.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

2 odes today

tis shal be a 2 part post.
one now,for someone's who's on a airplane,
and another much later in the nite wen my baby be in a club to while the time away waitin.

an ode for the special friend.

you're prob the closest thing to a brother tad a female can possibly to me.
i can still remember how we met juz like it was yest.
we were juz recallin it not so many nites ago.
how i exclaimed to fysh "wad e ...she's a dancer???!?!?!"
fond memories.
thanks fer the times spent toget.
juz chillin n being open wit each other about our problems,
all the emo stuff,
never scoldin each other regardin the foolish stuff we do in the learnin journey called life,
never commentin on the actions we take but juz makin sure we pick each other up n ready ourselves for the next charge.
the advice we dish out to each other always taken into consideration,
for tad mutual respect tad always existed.
the walks to dion's,
the walks to rafiq's,
the sessions with eric,
the time spent in sch tryin to study toget,
the whinin,
the walks arnd sch tryin to get the brain to unfreeze,
thanks for bein the friend who's ALWAYS been there.
i dun tink there's been one time tad i've looked fer you n you weren't there to spare me a lil time.
be it when i was feelin glum juz to talk on the phone,
wen i was lookin for company to go jalan with,
you've always been there.
and i thank you for tad.
you made me feel equal.
more den tad,
you make me feel like i matter.
you make me feel special.

you've been one of the truest if not the truest friends i ever had.
i only wished i had taken a photo wit you before you boarded tad plane tis mornin.
thanks for everythin.
the Lord's blessins upon you over there.
dun forget wad i said about peer pressure.
i wouldnt wan you to suddenly change.

thanks fer it all druggie.
good luck over there.
im pretty sure the place is better den here.:))
call me wen you're back aight??:))

the 2nd ode shall be done later.:))

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

vote now.

vote now.
as a favour to me or wadever.


go here!!!!
support my baby.
make the torture i've gone thru worthwhile.:))

register n vote aight all??
mucho love spread arnd.:)) thanks thanks.

songs to represent

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
It's not warm when she's away
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she always gone too long anytime she goes away
Wonder this time where she's gone
Wonder if she's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home
Anytime she goes away

And I know, I know, I know, I knowI know, I know, I know, I knowI know, I know, I know, I knowI know, I know, I know, I knowI know, I know, I know, I knowI know, I know, I know, I knowI know, I know

Hey I'll leave the young thing alone
But ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Only darkness everyday
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home
Anytime she goes away
Anytime she goes away
Anytime she goes away
Anytime she goes away

simply expressed.

Saturday, August 05, 2006


i wanna go shoppin.
this urge has been overwhelming me for the past few weeks.
and wen i get my pay i shall be bookin in back immediately.
so WOW!
i dun get any shoppin done.
i wanna get a new shirt.
t-shirt actually.
to please a certain sum1 n see how i look in a tighter shirt insteada of my huge baggy ones.
a new pair of levis' 512s.
a new guess belt.(the 60+ one wit a nice buckle!!!!)
a new scent.(either Chanel's Allure Homme Sport or Giorgio Armani Acqua di Gio)
or my good ol FCUK Him.
which is all but used up btw.
my paycheck for this month's gonna disappear.

wad else.
tis week has been hell week.
we came in n left immediately for Op Nutcracker,
which should be renamed Op Ballbuster,
cuz you dig till your balls drop on the ground n bursts.
you dig from evening till dawn n if you're lucky you're done.
if not you juz keep diggin till the instructor says its finally deep enuf.
which can be up to 40 hrs of constant sloggin leavin you butt shacked witout sleep.
and aft you finish,
you gotta make sure your mould of sand by the side disappears and becomes one wit the surroundins,
thus basically leaving you wit invisible holes in the ground.
den i got chosen as fightin patrol as well.
so yea.
2 X xiong.
i was section commander for tad whole operation.
3 days of ops,
about 7 hours of sleep.

section battle drill.
we got back from the op in the late evening,
cleanin stores,countin stuff,slept at bout 2.
woke up at about 6,
den had another day of intensive battle drills.
reached back about 7,
den next had a briefing for live firin,
all the way till about 10,
weapons cleanin till even later,
loadin of stores till even later,
slept late,
den woke up early cuz i was advance party.
went there,
set up tentage,
before we could even rest,
section live firing began.

it was hell week la basically.
i tink i went thru the whole week wit less den 20 hours of sleep.
n it didnt help tad my girl went MIA.
so yea.
plus i lose the dummy claymore for my section.
so yea.
im been dragged down in the dumps.
and i was all alone while it happened.
i dunno.
im actually quite pissed but feel strangly detached.
oh well.friggit.

Sunday, July 30, 2006


sometimes the pain juz won't go away.
aft wad jie told me about zn n how he was so fortunate to find my sister so quickly else his "adventure" mite have lasted longer.
im fearin i mite end up the same way.
how bloody annoyin n freaky.
remain optimistic.
he looks so normal as well.
wad of me.
alr half crazed as it is.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

the curative properties of a hard run.

its been an awful week.
i've been exposed to so much hurt,misery in the past week tad i swear i've had more nights where i cried myself to sleep den juz fallin asleep juz cuza exhaution.
its been hard darling.
i know its been hard on you pls.
its juz not you.
i know.
im juz gonna wait n see wad you wan n gif it to you love.
but i really hope you'll consider how i'll feel.
you said it yourself love.
"we both work really hard at it"
tad statement has been my hope love.

jie may not understand,
everyone i've spoken to mite not understand.
they call me foolish,unwise,hopeless.
i know it mite be true.
but it'll all be worth it if at the end i still have you.

its been a hard week.
i had my 1st stay out trainin which was pure torture,
section trainin aint exactly a breeze as well tho i tink im excelling at it.
its tiring.
n its compounded by the fact tad i wait up everynite by CHOICE to talk to her.
which averages about 1 plus.
and i begin the next day wakin up at 4.
so yea.
its been quite the ordeal.
its no wonder why im emotionally snappy,physically tired,mentally dulled,spiritually exhausted.
its been a really hard week.

i shall juz make a walk down memory lane.
it'll make me smile.
n hopefully it'll remind her bout things as well.

i wrote this lil thing back last week wen the 1st cracks started to appear.
under the power of an L-torch,1 x blue pen,1 x notebook , many times tears.
i was tad afraid.
its abit outta context cuz the situation's diff now.
but yea.
if nothing.
at least yrs later wen i look back at my archives,
i'll always remember tad nite.

i sit here in this darkened bunk,
sure tad being witout you's not wad i wan.
i never wanna be here again.
you walked into my life.
like a bolt out the blue.
and all i wanted,
was to take my chance wit you.
i gave you my heart.
you took it all.
upon my knees,
now i fall.

darlin pls dun break my heart.
dun ever wan us to part.
is there really no other way?
all i wanna do,
is to love you.
n to be loved by you,
the same way i do you.

i remember how it used to be,
me always runnin outta tuition to see,
run out to the carpark to look for you,
but never caght a fleetin glance,
so many tries but not even once,
wen i returned back,
raf will sing n laf n dance.

i remember how it was on our 1st date,
we went out on the pretense of studyin,
i juz wanted to ask you out,
i didnt know where to start,
juz knew i wanted to win your heart.

i remember tad nite i went to your class chalet,
we walked onto a breakwater a ways,
sat there in the nite sea breeze,
suddenly i believed we mite actually be.

i remember "juz like heaven"
where the words came true for me,
the seat rest was down but still it was,
wen my hand was interwined wit yours.

i recall wen we 1st attached,
you would visit me at braun buffel,
how my eyes would light upon sight of you,
n how you'll look at me wit the similiar eyes too.
those were such simple happy days.
how did it become this way.
where did we lose our desire.
why does it only come in spurts now?

i rem puttin on ring,
tellin you to me wad it means,
you looked at me wit tad look in your eyes,
slipped your hand into mine.
it was as if you had made up your mind,
tad you wanted to be wit a guy lke me,
i can still rem tad tad day.
where iupon the ride home,
ring began its life upon your finger n never left.

den came the 1st signs of cold,
where i went to work at indo,
i decided to drag you along,
my flaws you saw for yourself,
didnt like it i could tell,
left me no choice but to deal wit it,
but we were saved by mummy.
who insisted you get outta it.
saved me alot of grief.

den came our many days together,
brought you ice skatin in the sunny weather,
cuz you wanted it but me neither,
but brought you there was wad i did,
never ever for a moment regretted it.
as we hobbled across the slippery ice,
i tot our relationship was beginnin to solidify.

valentine's soon came our way,
such a gorgeous lovely day,
we sat on the beach n watched to sun slip away,
ate pasta on our homeward way,
hurried thru our meal,
else you dad would've had me killed.

i kissed you as we walked the last few steps,
my lips they tingled as you left,
i lifted em to the moonlit sky,
watched you ask you waved goodbye.
watched you walk inside your gate,
a tot realised inside my head.

in my heart there is a flame for you,
dear,why cant you have one too.
darlin i wanna be loeved by uou,
i know i'll take a lot outta you,
but appreciate it i know i'll do,
cuz i really dun wanna be witout you.

do you remember thailand trip.
do you remember sentosa's beach,
do you recall indo's bar,
how i'll send you home no matter how far,
do you recall ice skatin,
our bike riding.
do you recall all those movies.
all the times we spent together.
surely they should help us last,
juzz tad lil bit longer???

more imptly love,
do you remember,
wen we 1st held hands,
do you rem our 1st kiss,
do you recall our initial adoration.
darling i wan tad back,
i wan you back,
darling darling where have you gone!
dear i love you,
why tis fear deep within,
if you love me like you say you do,
show me you do n i'll die for you.
i'll die for you,
i'll die for you.

outta context abit.
but worth mentionin for the memories.
i remember tad nite really well.
tad nite started the tears.
and became the grwoin bed for my fears.
i hate my insecurity honestly.
why cant i be more confident n secure.
its at times like tis i really hate myself n who i am.
my faults n all the problems it brings me.
how annoyin.
imma go shower.

oh yea.
why the funny title.
lately i've begun to understnad why pple like wen used to run wenever she had emotional problems.
i dunno if its the same for me as it was for her.
but wen i run wit a heavy heart,
i like it.
cuz i'll push myself till the breakin point.
where tears n sweat droplets cant be differenciated.
where only sheer exhaution gives you temproal relief from the matter,
cuz your mind's juz tinkin of oxygen.
how ridiculous.:))

i swear army's makin me stupid.
every 1 week spent prob reduces my mental capability by like 0.001%.
tad's quite alot since we only use 3% mind you.grrr.

Sunday, July 16, 2006


tis week was really drainin.
but the outfield's beginnin.
im gettin really chack.


gypsy 1 n 2.
navigations exercises at lower mandai.
i found every single checkpoint fer my detail.
on gypsy 3,
(operation bayonet)
i found the bayonet.
basically we hadta go abck cuz my zection mate lost his bayonet.
so yea.
we hadta trek all over the place,
shaggin me out even more.

wad else.
lotsa strength n speed trainins,
ippt i got a silver.
from 02 standard chin ups to 9.
im really quite happy.:))

really tired.
shall go sleep now.

hard or not.
we'll stay strong.:))

Saturday, July 08, 2006

another week's passed,7 more to go.

its been a horrific week.
fears became horrific reality wen our OC came back.
and on his 1st mornin,
decided to bring us fer a run tad didnt stop till we were screamin our lungs out singin fer 1 km.
i would est we ran a whole lot more den 2.4 cuz any other estimation mite result in exaggeration.
suffice to say.
it wasnt pleasant,
but i looked forward to it cuz i really miss mornin runs.
but not tad much.
n certainly not tad excessive.
alot of the others who got gold,silver fer their ippt found themselves at the back,
whilst slower runners like me did manage to keep up.
i attribute it to mohawk training.

the mental advantage really helps.
being prepared n all.
training tis week's been an exercise in fear once again,
fear of confinements,
in every single platoon.
there were more den 6 extras signed.
one dude in my platoon clocked 5 all by himself.
my platoon got arnd 20+.
the record platoon got 40 plus.
half their platoon would book out whilst the rest stay in camp fer almuz every weekend.
charlie coy.
it was bad nuf wen OC was arnd.
now he's back,
its worse.

it didnt help tad me n qi are in a really bad patch as of now.
i shall not go into details,
but i hope tis'll all be over by tml.:))
i swear regardin certain things,
imma fatalistic optimist.
in certain things,
i needta fall upon my face,
smash my nose in,
n yea.
feel a whole world o hurt before i admit defeat.
im quite stubborn if i feel im rite or if i want sumthin to work.
i'll juz keep hammering in till it works or it breaks.

i hope it works.
i dunno why.
but sumhow.
i feel alot o fear.
hearing all those stories of how girls leave their guys during NS,
havin seen one happen in my platoon n how it affected tad guy,
i juz fear i guess.
n i get paranoid.
n in my worries,annoy her cuz im basically a worrier.
dunno la.
im juz really annoyed with the way things are rite now.

fears within really scare the shat outta me.
i know i'll survive.
but how hard will the pain be should the worst happen.
i shudder to even imagine.
pple close to me ought know i guess.
i've only told...
2 pple?
you lucky elite few at the rite time n place.:))

cant wait till i see her tml.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

wad a guy like me really wants.

birthday wish list!!!

nice BELT.(simple leather,ornate buckle.)

all i ask is for a lil sense,
a lil tenderness.
a lil more love.
a lil more care.
a lil more me,
a lil less you.

cant rem wad song tad's from.

sispec warrior marchin in.ONE YEAR OLDER!!!

on monday.
i suffered a major case of monday blues.
lettin go of everythin i've only juz begun to cherish.
the freedom,
my dear,
the time to spent alone.
everythin i knew i was going to hafta surrender once i entered the camp.
imagine my despair wen i realised i was in the craziest company.

i was pretty much oblivious to wad company was wad.
den i heard tad there were actually the crazy ones.
and the normal n the slack ones.
i dunno wad it is about me,
but i never expected there to haf any diff in the standards in training.
i mean,
aft all,
we're all going to be trained the same way wad.
den aft tad.
i begin to hear things.
at this pint in time,
i didnt even know which company i was yet.
so yup.
wen i finally found out,
i was quite "hmmmmm...okie.."
den i decided to msg alv.
"eh,charlie coy xiong not"
this was his reply.
"gan pua xiong"
imagine my despair.

the torture had juz begun.
n the nightmare was being lived.
rite from the start,
the OC decided to make things clear.
and clear he did make.
simply put,
he had all the other more aware pple start talkin about charlie coy.
the listed out.
"xiong, no nites out, everythin tad other coys do,charlie does double, no canteen breaks...etc"
with each statement said out,
my heart sank even more.
this was beginnin to sound more n more like MOHAWK coy.
which i barely survived.
and the OC juz smiled n said,"WOW!!!!You're ALL CORRECT!!!!let me welcome you to CHARLIE COMPANY"
i nearly puked blood at that point in time.
it was exactly wad i heard the 1st day of mohawk.

n it has lived up to wad it is reputed.
incredible standards of discipline,
comparin wit other companies has become a futile effort cuz it juz makes us more depressed.
lets juz say pple have been to canteen,pple have booked out,
we havent.
at all.
we juz have incredibly ghey PT.
we've been pumped fer more den 50-600 times alr.
we do chinups every meal,
any less den 8 and you drop 20 advanced push ups.
which i had to do cuz wen i came here,
i was told my SEVEN CHIN UPS,
puke upon puke uopn despair i swear.

den we larnt a new form of torture.
it goes by the name CPT3.
which basically,
we did 1 count of 4 fer all the exercises.
only 5 exercises.
sounds really easy dunnit?
if you were in other coys maybe.
be it in a flex or strain position,
we had a minute or more interval.
so its "exercise begin..1................................................................
(30 sec passes)............
.................................(grunt noises as we fight puttin it down)...
"STOP F@!#IN MOANIN!!!!!"....................
....(SCH SONG BEGINS)........
......(SCH SONG ends)
......(plat sounds as PT SCHOES hit floor)...
"F!@# you stupid !@$%!#!!!!!LAST POSITION!!!!"
...(everyone grunts to drag shoes up)....
.......(grunt grunt...)..."TWO!"..........
(3 sec later...).."THREE!!!!!!
GET IT UP YOU B!#@!#@!!!!!!"....

you get the idea.
pure PAIN.
den the regimental duties came up.
as it was.
morale was so low i really felt like dyin.
den imagine how low my spirits sank wen i hadta do deputy COS duty today.
it was an ALL NEW LOW.
and i tot i had reached the lowest in mohawk.
all the trainees really felt like shat.
everywhere we went,
we see other coys smiling,
enjoyin training.
charlie coy pple marched as if their lives depended on it wit the muz severe funeral like faces cuz of fear of death by sargs via PT.

it sucks honestly.
n plus my birthday was on fri.
so yea.
i was really REALLY depressed.
at this point in time,
i would like to recognise these few pple.
besides my family,
they are the ones who never forget yr aft yr.

steph loi.
whom i've never once remembered her's,but yet has always sent me a msg juz to wish me happy birthday.year aft year..amazing i swear.:))
much love babe.:') *Sniff sniff*

angela toy.
once again,who've i've seldom remembered.but as always,send me a msg to cheer me up.
mucho mucho <3 to you too babe.

not many words can be said cuz of the way we are now.
but thanks pls.
it meant sumthin to me.

jummieeee choooon.
who i've only celebrated her birthday once i believe.cuz angela organised it.
but she's never forgotten to msg me.not once.:))
<3 <3 to you too mad woman.:))

stupid dude msged me at 4 in the mornin.
the instant i saw the time i knew he was up WOWing.
but he's never forgot too.
love n respect pls bro.

to the new ones.
qi,angel,and all else.
mucho love to you all too pls.

you hafve no idea how much of a motivator it was to actually see those smges n know tad pple out there in the civilian world remember you.
i went into sispec a teenager,
imma gonna be graduatin outta there an adult.

im lookin forward to trainin,
yet dreadin the aches n low morale tad'll come hand in hand with it.
i guess its all part n parcel of bein the elite.
wad more else can be said.
lub to all you pple who remembered.:))
lub to those tad didnt.
im still acceptin belated pressies n wishes.:))
nite alls.

Sunday, June 18, 2006


in about 12 hours from now,
i shall be adorned in green,
polished boots,
carryin 2 ridiculusly huge bags,
standing in front of the national flag reportin to my new camp.
Pasir Laba camp.
to be an infantry commander.

i honestly am quite happy.
3 months,
den imma corp.
another 3 months,
i get my stripes.
den i can live te commander's life.

the past few days have been bliss for me.
i expended a huge chunk of my pay,
had alot of gamin time,
chillin time,
courtin time,
and a really messed up clubbin exp last nite but yea.
still all good.
it has been really fun being back in te civilian world.

i tink the best part of the time out was last nite.
aft having lunch wit qi,
before i headed to the club,
i met up wit my sec sch buddies.
josh,dud,aaron,fat aaron,gian,kevyn,yang whee,dionne.
im tellin you.
you nv really realised wad's missin till you actually meet up again n realise the chemistry is still all there.
its never changed.
pple dun cahnge tad much.
we're still broithers aft all.
we're who we were back then,
we're still the same.
we're true brothers.
pple tad despite such a long time of being apart,
we effortlessly have fun with each other.
im tellin yoou,
should they ever meet up again,
n we should cuz tad was our partin statement,
i will definitely be there.
i miesss my bros so much i swear.
such a comfortable ambience!!!!:))

words fail me.:))

i shall go spend my alst ours gamin n relaxing wit qi.:))
laters all.
sg ben in 6 months.:))

sumthin from grad parade.
the quality's quite bad but yea.
you'll see the overall movement.

Monday, June 12, 2006

individualistic desires.

God created us as individuals, to be part of a larger body of Christ.
but as individuals,
i believe there lies an inane nature to actually feel individualistic.
i.e, special.
the word is defined as "Distinct among others of a kind"
everyone wants to feel wanted,
everyone wants to feel special.
it makes you warm n fuzzy inside,
it makes you know you matter.
it seperates you from the crowd.
you feel special.

wad makes one special.
i honstly dunno.
who are the ones tad are special to me.
the few tad i would not hesitate to drop everythin to go to their aid.
my family would be in there.
a couple of girls n guys.
pple who make me feel special,thus makin me wanna make em feel special too.
i dunno.
i juz believe in the fact tad if sum1 is special to you,
you should make tad person feel special.
and yea.
should tad person agree tad you be special too,
it should be a really enjoyable existence.

oh wellz.
i shall go wow.

silent killers.

there are things in life tad kill silently.
here are some of them.

1) special ops troops. i.e SEALs or SAS.
2)airborne pathogens. Ebola, cyanide...
3)you and me.

i tink at times in our lives we get so self absorbed in who we are, wad we're doing, tad we sometimes we really see our lives as sum sorta big drama serial and we star in it.
and we tend to do things tad we see in the drama serials.
we exaggerate.
we make our plight to be so much worse den it actually is,
waitin fer tad "person" who'll come and make things alright.
and wen he/she doesnt,
we feel really lousy n pissed n all.
im guilty of tad as well but tad isnt the point of my entry.

alot of things have been happening recently,
and i juz hafta speak a little about it.
be it guys from the army,
pple i msg,pple i see,pple i talk to in person or anything else.

the subject is misrepresentation.
i tink many times in life we find ourselves desiring sumthin so much tad we are willin to be anithin juz to get it.
and anithin really means ANITHIN.
dying by dehydration and being asked to do anithin fer a drop of water kinda ANItHIN.
i find it really unfair.
in army,
it is the case of command school.
so many guys say they dun wanna go,but in the end, 98% put yes to it and all tad kinda stuff.
and thruout the whole BMT they act like they're everyone's fav bro.
and the next thing you know they go n talk to the commanders n suck up suddenly.

i dunno.
to me,
i feel tad wen you deal with pple.
it is really REALLY impt to represent yourself as wo you really are,
your wishes n desires.
cuz this is wad everyone will hold you by.
dun juz say sumthin to get sumplace,get sumthin tad you want.
it leaves the other parties feeling really cheated n let down in the end.
and aft that.
irregardless of wadever you mite do to make it up,
things will never be the same again.
we're all human n victims of the tainted eyes syndrome.
dun not for one second believe tad you can get away wit it.
actually tyou might.
so long as you never come into contact with those parties again.
but yea.
things within tad band will never be the same once the true you comes out n it is diff from the one tad you initially represented yourself as.
the parties will feel betrayed.
cheated even.
trust me.
im not alone in this.
n i beseech everyone.
pls represent yourself properly.
lest you hurt sumbody.

i've gone such a long way to say wad i wanna say.
i wonder if 6 yrs down the road wen i read this entry i can remember wad's the actualy cryptic msg tad lies within.
if not like very outta point.
type n find way to swerve all around to avoid offendin pple den ownself cant rem wad's it about.

Friday, June 09, 2006

the long overdue

the march in................

the 8th one from the left............

zero fighters no more.......SECTION 4!


we survived.........

n learnt about the army n the bonding it brings...

within our bunks we made our bonds,

in our punishments made so much more...

cross platoon we did our chores........

brothers bonded in our core..

the cutest guy in mohawk coy.(not me foo.donovan!
mind you,my girl n my sister both went gah gah over him.)

cheeriest guy in mohawk 1.ALWAYS smiling.

my darling sister(who MISSED MY POP.):@

her making up to me.*beams*

the future defender of singapore!!!!:))

pop was a grand event.

the rain dampen loadsa moods but nobody really cared.we wanted our parade n really didnt care bout the wet number 4's stickin to our bodies as we trudge to the assembly area to await our march in.wen the command was finally given,the way everyone suddenly bounced into action was amazing.hahaha.the apst rehearsals were so sluggish,but wen the real thing came.NO SIGNS of lethargy at all i swear.everyone double timed it into file,scared shatless at the prospect of being left out of the parade.highly amusing pls.:))

the command was given,the heels begin to move,the "clack clack" of the heels dug in,the front row began to move.all along,the chests stuck out,head held high we marched in.the rest was a blur as we all stood in file n looked fer good looking girls in the crowd.the speech was boring,we juz stood still n looked fer girls.the speech ended fast enuf,den we marched off.

next we got ready for the infantry roar.which was basically wad everyone was waitin for.we got in our files,double timed in into the square,and did the tryin to get the roar from my fren n imma youtube it so you gus can see.and once it was done.we were privates.:)

ns was an amazing experience to actually see the world in a diff light.the beauty of the night sky became really apparent as you walk out to the peeing point in the middle n look up into the sky.the whole expanse glittering wit uncountable is a truly romantic sight only spoilt by the fact you're in tekong away from thew world.otherwise,lovers will loove it.oh well.the only ones who get to enjoy are prob the gays la.hold hand toget n go peeing point wit mosquito repellant.(the only form of lubrication):))

aft tad,it was off to the airport to pick my sister n east coast fer dinner.all in awesome day.:)) more follow up days to come.but the biggest event's covered.:)) now i got sumthin to remember it all by.:))

Saturday, June 03, 2006

3 more days to POP.

its done.
the last "BIG" thing tad needed to be done before i graduate outta BMT is over.
the "gruelling 24 klick route march"
to be perfectly honest.
the way i felt aft it,
i tink i could've done another 16 minimum.
the first 4 were kind tough, but once the momentum got built up,
everythin juz couldnt happen fast enough to suit me.
we juz walked and walk.
and i was supposed to fall out at the 16 klick point cuz i missed one route march.
(the army believes in progressive training, so therefore, the amrches done are 2,4,8,12,16,24
if you don't do 4 you cant do 8, you don't do 8 you cant do 12, and so on.)
but all the pple tad missed 1 route or other were given a choice to continue at the 16 kiclk point.
we all took it.
we formed the new platoon M5.
which is a lousy lame joke,
but our morale was so totally high we were like a buncha gangsters marchin down the tekong highway,screamin stupid army songs,making fun of ninja company tad was behind us,
the sgs leading the way,leadin us song aft song cuz they themselves began to have fun,
it was really inspiring.
camaradrie at its best i tell you.
amazing stuff.
then at the 20 klick point.
the conducting officer was so impressed tad he allowed us to be point.
i.e-we,the ones who "didnt make it" were given the honor od leading the entire sch,7 companies in all, on the last victorious leg of the march.and we lived up to it.
we marched and sang, we screamed and ran,we did everythin tad we were supposed to do.
none of M5 escaped without a good throat.
we really sang till our throats were raw.
it was really awesome.
:)) nothing else can suffice to describe it.

wad else.
except for the midnight cramp cries from my bunkmates,
it was a pretty good week.
not counting the tough nights btw me n qi la but tad's another issue.
wad else.
th best part.
the officer."MOHAWK COMPANY"
"yes sir"
officer" F%^% tad. MOHAWK WARRIORS"
the pride of being a mohawk warrior
the pride of leading the sch.
the sweet sweet taste of accomplishment.
i know everyone's done it n its nothing big,
but it sure tastes sweet.

pop's next week.
im FRONT ROW.:))
take loadsa pictures me shall.

3 more days to POP.

its done.
the last "BIG" thing tad needed to be done before i graduate outta BMT is over.
the "gruelling 24 klick route march"
to be perfectly honest.
the way i felt aft it,
i tink i could've done another 16 minimum.
the first 4 were kind tough, but once the momentum got built up,
everythin juz couldnt happen fast enough to suit me.
we juz walked and walk.
and i was supposed to fall out at the 16 klick point cuz i missed one route march.
(the army believes in progressive training, so therefore, the amrches done are 2,4,8,12,16,24
if you don't do 4 you cant do 8, you don't do 8 you cant do 12, and so on.)
but all the pple tad missed 1 route or other were given a choice to continue at the 16 kiclk point.
we all took it.
we formed the new platoon M5.
which is a lousy lame joke,
but our morale was so totally high we were like a buncha gangsters marchin down the tekong highway,screamin stupid army songs,making fun of ninja company tad was behind us,
the sgs leading the way,leadin us song aft song cuz they themselves began to have fun,
it was really inspiring.
camaradrie at its best i tell you.
amazing stuff.
then at the 20 klick point.
the conducting officer was so impressed tad he allowed us to be point.
i.e-we,the ones who "didnt make it" were given the honor od leading the entire sch,7 companies in all, on the last victorious leg of the march.and we lived up to it.
we marched and sang, we screamed and ran,we did everythin tad we were supposed to do.
none of M5 escaped without a good throat.
we really sang till our throats were raw.
it was really awesome.
:)) nothing else can suffice to describe it.

wad else.
except for the midnight cramp cries from my bunkmates,
it was a pretty good week.
not counting the tough nights btw me n qi la but tad's another issue.
wad else.
th best part.
the officer."MOHAWK COMPANY"
"yes sir"
officer" F%^% tad. MOHAWK WARRIORS"
the pride of being a mohawk warrior
the pride of leading the sch.
the sweet sweet taste of accomplishment.
i know everyone's done it n its nothing big,
but it sure tastes sweet.

pop's next week.
im FRONT ROW.:))
take loadsa pictures me shall.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

1.5 weeks to POP.

field camp's gone,
so's range.
im left wit 2 more critical junctures in my NS life before block leave arrives n i hafta await my posting.
i really hope i get into command sch but it doesnt look promising.
i cant do my chin ups.
and tad's sumthin tad takes time to train.
its the 20th.
i POP on the 6th of june.
10 days black leave to try to pass.
i haf approx 25 days to get my pull ups to 9 to get a silver fer my IPPT.
surprisingly nuf,
i managed to survive my run.
and made a silver timing.
to all you pple out there,
runnin';s like no kick,
but i'l haf you know,
tis is the guy tad trained fer 2 weeks before his napfa test and still didnt manage to pass at a time of 1230 and in the end hadta pakat wit his frens to make sure he didnt go into ns 2 months early.
so yea.
wen i took the test yest,
i was really glad to see tad i manage to hit 11:39 or 40.
one of em.
either way.
im really proud of myself n really happy.
i did 53 situps,
but i was really pissed regardin my stupid jump n shuttle run.
my shuttle degraded from 8.7 to 9.7!!!!
1 whole ridiculous second!!!
and my jump.
no more basketbal n now i only jumpin arnd 240.
wad happened to my 256!!!!:@:@:@:@:@:@@
ruddy hell.

this week was really relaxed tho.
we had imt fer the 1st few days,
and range on wed n thurs.
im really sad cuz i missed my marksman by 1 lousy shot,
but yea.
27/32 aint all tad bad considerin i had 2 I.As.
one of which was durin snap target.
oh well.
wad else.
nothing much i guess.
next week's IPPT and Sit test.
hope my weekend doesnt get blown.
oh wellz.
shall go chill n wait fer qi's call den i shall bath n go town.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

guard duty n field camp.

field camp's over.
it was a really good field camp i guess.
i survived it.
mohawk field camp.
thru the illnesses tad plagued me n all,
i made it thru.
a total of 190+ mohawk recruits went fer field camp.
a total of 130+ mohawk recruits passed field camp.
i was one of em.
go figure.
the route march to the last campsite alone in CAT 2(which means heat alert)
we lost a total of 48 pple.
the sweltering heat really killed alot of good guys.

i shall blog more about field camp wen i haf the time.
but yea.
upon return,
i found out i was "lucky" enough to be selected fer guard duty.
on sat.
which means a 24 hour posting.
which basically meant,
in a rare holiday where i could've had spent 2 nights at home,
i spend everynight in camp.
so yea.
it really bugged me like hell but yea.
aft talkin to mummy n qi..
things didnt seem so bad aft all.
it actually turned out to be quite the learnin experience.
suffice to say i went in sated.
i spent time wit qi n mummy n jie n all so it was aight.
also saw ken yeo from maris wen i sent her to fysh n co fer her fren's bdae dinner.
stuff enough to make me feel aight.

guard duty was not physically tiring as i was orderly.
but it was mentally taxin.
the regulard guards, i.e prowlers n sentries, work 2 hours n have 4 hours break aft.
i stayed up the entire 24 hours.
and yea.
comin immediately aft field camp,
which basically meant tad i slept about 5 hours a day fer the past week in a mosquito infested jungle,
meentally taxing.
prob gonna haf a fever really soon.
was really tiring la.
i gotta go sleep now.
i tink im sproutin nonsense now.
gotta book back in by 1950 today.
sucks dunnit.

Your Birthdate: June 23
You're not good at any one thing, and that's the problem.You're good at so much - you never know what to do.Change is in your blood, and you don't stick to much for long.You are destined for a life of travel and fun.
Your strength: Your likeability
Your weakness: You never feel satisfied
Your power color: Bright yellow
Your power symbol: Asterisk
Your power month: May
What Does Your Birth Date Mean?


Monday, May 01, 2006

so dark the disconsolation of man.

stolen line from da vinci code n adapted to my own emotions.

field camp looms in the near future.
my flu still hasnt gone.
and im determined it shall not affect me.
sometimes i wonder if my ipod has a brain.
it seems to know my moods.
times where im sad n wanna be lifted up,
bouncy songs stream into my ear.
wen im sad and wanna be malecholy,
it sends lonesome n painful songs of recollection n dealin wit emotions,
wen im high a contant cascade of bouncy clubby songs hit me wit extra bass.

this mornin however.
it was the 2nd.

i find myself being really too much of an idealist.
but now i begin to understand someone else's pain a lot more.
someone from my past.
why the tears n the bitter emotions.
now i finally get it.

bein an idealist opens up many doors fer disappointment.
i was extremely disappointed wit my army life till i sounded out wit my bunk mates.
tad's juz one of the many.

but nuf wit the sidetrackin.
suffice to say within me is alot of pain.
alot of disappointment.
and yea.
lessons learnt.
but yea.
never again.

love is sumthin tad can never be given n should never be given too easily.
it should never be taken fer granted but should be treasured.
things tad are there miten be there ferever.

i gif up la.
im juz not in the mood to swing words.
i cant properly express myself witout naming names.
and since i cant.
i shall not express myself then.
wad a ridiculous situation pls.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

3 weeks gone.

my 3rd week in camp is over.
and hmm.
there's only another 4?5? more weeks.
and tis week wen i book it,
it would mark another monumental point in my NS life as this week is my field camp week.
which means i would be gone from here fer a total of 2 more weeks.
not really lookin forward to it as it will be a wearisome journey n taskin.
im worried of the challenges i'll face,
but im more determined to make em good.
command sch is wad im lookin fer.
hopefully i'll have wad it takes to get me there.

tis past week has been particularly tiring as it marks my return from my hand injury.
in actual fact,
it doesnt,
but i haf told myself to ignore the pain n juz train fer fear tad i wunt be able to get to command sch should my injury be of such a sustained time tad i wouldnt be able to get my silver for my IPPT at the end of BMT.
so yea.
i've been doin pushups n chin ups ignorin all the pain by restin my weight on my left hand.
which explains why my left side's achin really badle.
we did IMT which is basically computerised shootin tis week as well.
i got a pretty good groupin considerin i wasnt from ncc or sum other uniform group tad gave me a chance to shoot before.
the best in my platoon shot a groupin size for 4 bullets of 1.1 cm.
tad's ghey.
cuz basically,
one bullet's width's 5.56 mm.
so yea.
go figure how ghey is tad.
i got a groupin of 1.8 fer my very first try,
which i was incredibly proud of,
but den yea.
as i got more n more tired,
den yea.
my groupin finally averaged out at about between 2.6 n 2.
which is decent i guess.
but yea.
aimin fer better.

wad else.
we had tis really tough day which was strength trainin,close combat skills n SOC.
in like CAT2 weather,
which is basically a heat alert.
so yea.
we were wearin the long sleeved uniforms in th heat n runnin around lookin like fools.
trust me.
its only aft runnin around in army boots tad you truly appreciate runnin shoes.
in tad uniform,
each step is a major effort.
i tink i've lost a bit of weight,
but not nuf i feel.
cuz only 1 person commented i lost weight.
so yea.
shall aim to lose more weight.
hopefully i can cut down to about maybe 70 n start chisellin from there.
and maintain.
which means wavin goodbye to indulgent living but yea.
a healthy slim lookin body's prob worth it.

wad else.
my section cum bunk is startin to really bond toget,
i finally begin to feel a sense of belongin.
it s a start to combatin the initial lonliness tad i felt n struggled to cope with.
but i realised another thing missed.
its personal space.
wen you hafta share your personal space wit so many pple,
it gets stiflin.
and i didnt realise it till i booked out.

tad wen you book out,
you juz want time alone.
you juz wanna be arnd the pple who are you life n tad's about it.
you dun hafta do very much,
say very much,
juz bein in the presence is good nuf.

wen i booked out yest,
my section went fer lunch.
den i came home.
there was alot of initial disagreement,
but yea.
in the end i manage to spend time wit my family n my girl.
went out to celebrate angela's birthday,
had dinner at glutton's bay n headed into the party at dxo fer a while juz to take a look n chill out.
i miss the club.
i haf good memories there perhaps,
and tad's why i like the place.
i like dbl o even more but yea.
21 except fer thurs.
me?thurs?not possible.
but one thing's fer sure.
the next time i book out,
which should the thurs one week away from now.
imma go club.
i wanna dance.
since i book out on thurs nite,
fri nite's party time.
time to go dance n moooooooovvvvvvvvvvvveeeee.:))

Saturday, April 22, 2006

today is our book out day.

2nd week in bmt has passed.
and i guessed more lessons learned.

in the earlier part of the week.
i was really quite demoralised.
cuz my hp batt was low.
imma weird person in the sense tad i cant be without my contact wit my loved ones.
so wen my hp batt started dyin,
my morale fell as well.
i got really grumpy n all.
tad coupled toget wit my inability to do pushups n chin ups cuza my hand pain really pissed the shat outta me.
so yea.
i got a lil grumpy.
but yea.
wunt go into the nitty gritty,
but yea.
it wunt happen again.
i realised tad i haf a prob wit expression.
you're prob tinkin la "dun be a clown amek so much ambient noise you cant express yourself??"
but it realised my prob comes from the fact tad i store alot inside me.
and wen it bursts.
its tis multidirectional fire hose tad basically blasts everything in its way.

wen it did at least it was in a really cute n unobvious way.
it was durin an idealogue wit my sections mates regardin whether or not to go chiong fer ocs.
so yea.
there was this foo tad like gaf me tis sense tad he was really arrogant n all.
so i really couldnt take it n i burst.
and every single time he made a point,
i shot him down.
till a point tad like none of my section mates had an idea of wad my stand was.
but yea.
they all got really worrried fer me which i tink is a good thing.
at least they care a lil bit i guess.

you can never ever please everyone.
esp guys.
they all look fer diff things.
and fer every group tad you win over,
you lose a group.
it sumthin tad you know but yet you nv are truly prepared cuz you juz wanna be loved by all i guess.
quitoxic but yea.
cant help it.

runnin is no longer a problem fer me i guess.
other companies haf 5BX(5 basic exercises),
maybe every 2 or 3 days,inclusive of a 1.6 km run.
5BX everyday plus 5-6 lap run.
and our 5BX,
other compnies chant "1,2,3,4,2,2,3,4" so on and so forth.
ours chant "1,2,3,4,i love mohawk,2,2,3,4,i love mohawk"and so forth.
in 1 count of other companies,
1 set of 4 is 2 pushups,situps,jumpin jacks etc...
ours 1 set of 4 is 4 of every of the above.

and other companies do maximum 20.
mohawk did 50 counts of jumpin jacks,2 sets of 30 counts of pushups n 2 sets of 20 counts of flutter kicks.
trust me.
100 stupid jumpin jacks,
sumbody's muscle is DEFINITELY GONNA CRAMp.
and lagi best.
rite before book out n stand by bed area cleanin.
so like.
basically no platoon made the stand by area.
but yea.
got screamed at CSM,
got threatened to be confined,
den yea.
rushed to buy my stuff,
rush home to shower,
den went to meet her,
spent time fer a while,
den sent her off to dinner wit her frens,
rushed home fer dinner n laundry,
n chillin now.
admin time +++++.
i always get so motivated once im home i feel like i can take on the world again.
bein wit my loved ones makes me strong i swear.

oh wellz.
gonna slack n watch tv fer a while.
i wanna listen to music but daddy wants to watch tv so yea.

Thursday, April 13, 2006


imma recruit!!!
i aint got no moar hair.

MOHAWK company.
Platoon 1
Section 4 bed 8.

my company's supposedly the best i guess.
its kinda hard to fit in rite now.
life was slack before ns,
time fer myself,
time fer juz sittin down to think fer a while n appreciate life.
things you never appreciate till you lose it i say.
you never appreciate the fact tad you can walk from point to point till you lose tad priviledge n hafta rush from point to point,
rest your weight equally over 2 feet,
no shiftin of weight n hafta look str8 ahead.
you'll miss bein able to look arnd.
you'll miss restin on one foot.
you'll miss restin on the wall.
you'll miss the entire low stress environment.
you'll miss not havin sgts yell at you every single second.
you'll miss your freedom.
i just surrendered my i.c n got my 11B today.
you'll miss your civilian status.
you'll miss your hair.
you'll miss the fact tad you can haf fun,
hold hands wit your girl in public.
all the priviledges tad bein a member of the SAF doesnt entitle you to enjoy as long as you're in uniform.

simple things in life you take fer granted.
i tink part of the "life changin exp" tad NS promises is the fact tad it reminds all guys of how things was before we were independent.
and thru that process,
train us to defend these things we cherish.

the trainin's been pretty sweet.
its harsh.
its cramped.
the only thing tad's good about it is tad there aint no such thing as insommia.
wen you get abck to bunk,
you're so bloody shacked tad even goin to the stupid toilet's a test of personal will.
wen you fall upon your bed your back muscles cry protest,
and you still gotta go shower,
and gotta report in.
it take a lot.
but i intend to stick thru to it.
i wanna enter command sch should it be possible.
hopefully build my confidence along the way.
rite now we're all bloody incompetent soldiers so we get yelled at just about every other min.
i hope as things progress it'll change.
we need the knowledge to be competent wad.
if not we'll all be bloody kan chiong spider every single second of the day.
den as a matter of fact we'll get yelled at.
so yea.
go figure its kinda like a cycle i guess.

lights out time was like 1 n a half hours ago.
im still waitin fer her call.
and she still hasnt called yet.
so like i cant go to bed.
needta go buy stuff tml.
oh wellz.
shall juz relax in civilisation i guess.
only 20 more hours of it left.

Thursday, April 06, 2006


in less den 10 hours from now,

am i become NS man Ng.
oh wellz.
so much to say,
so little time cuz i wanna play gb before i go sleep.

i am a lil afraid,
a lil excited,
a lil weary,
and apprehensive.
i guess its not like imma approach it wit trepidation but at least a modicum of respect.
really cant wait.

last words.

to family:
panic not n realx.
i will prevail.

to qi:
you better be waitin n cryin your eyes out every day.

to fysh:
we huat on good friday.

to alv:
we huat on good friday,
chiong aft pop.

other frens:

to rah:
i still mean it wen i sorry.

dunno wad else to type.
gb time.

see you guys one week from now without hair.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch: 9
Quality Time: 8
Acts of Service: 6
Words of Affirmation: 6
Receiving Gifts: 1


Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

in less den ten hours,

Monday, April 03, 2006

the actions you wished you hadnt taken.

it seems tad of recent times,
i have loadsa things i find myself wishin i hadnt done.
wishin certain pple hadnt done to me.
wishin certain pple didnt behave this way,
wishin certain pple didnt have the instincts and habits they did.
fer all everyone has done,
why make everythin fer vain.
its a cruel world.
make things the best fer yaself,
extend the hand wen possible,
spend tad lil extra time,
cherish tad extra lil moment.
live it fer a lifetime.

live fer the moment,
live and rem it fer a lifetime.
make it last.
and if tad moment can be built into sumthin more tad you know you can cherish,
despite the fear,the annoyin lack of funds,the tired body,
do it.
at least.
tad's the way i live my life.
i feel im happy.
i feel tad im slowly accomplishin things.
it mite not be the perfect way.
but i believe tad if there's a need fer a rush,
God'll make it pretty clear.
but at the same time,
if it shouldnt be done,
there would be really REALLY clear signs to tell me otherwise.
oh wellz.
another cryptic entry.

the beauty of language.

to seek the msg within,
to unlock the truth beneath,
open your heart to the words,
let it permeate.
maybe den,
the words will find your heart,
and not your head.

3 more daes.

its 3 more days and i enter ns.
part of me cant wait.
the other part is kinda trembling.
im pretty sure i'll rise to the challenge.
but i hope they'll allow fer like a conditioning period.
my aim is to lose 10+ kg in my course spent there.

hopefully 15.
den my weight'll be perfect.

loadsa things being on my mind now.
i saw a side of sum1 again yest tad sent me into loadsa tinkin again.
oh wellz.

did housework today.
fun fun fun.

the 1st of 3 farewell dinner begins tml.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darknessT
here's a light that I can't find
Well maybe it's too far away
Maybe I'm just blind
Maybe I'm just blind

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
hold me when I'm scared
and Love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
wants to be the one
you wanted me to beI
'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
you can Hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone

When your education x-ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my fans
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
and Love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
wants to be the one
that you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I couldI'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Maybe I'm just blind

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
and Love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
wants to be the one
that you wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone
Love me when I'm gone

3 doors down.
when im gone.
you should know it its fer you.

had breakfast wit maisie,
den had church.
dance was a bit rushed,
but i guess in the end,
everythin should've gotten done.
joey wasnt here,
apparently in someplace wit loadsa girls.
cant rem where.
scored only one today tho.
oh wellz.

imma in a hyper emo mood.
kinda contradiction i know.
but yea.
certain things and actions you wished pple would understand.
esp this very one.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

hockey.rained out

had hockey today.
met d earlier whilst buyin my rashes cream fer camp.
i am really quite a bit scared tad my sensitive skin will like kill me in camp.
i get rashes if in contact wit loadsa dirt.
hope i wunt like get it dam bad.
if i do i dunnit be occifer alr.
oh wellz.
not tad i tink my chances are high niwaez.
flat feet plus weak ankles.

went fer hockey today.
met d earlier to have lunch.
den we went toget on the bus.
didnt really get to play cuz ms chua decided to have one of her "discipline talks" again.
which i approve of but not wen tournament is so near.
den aft tad..
went to pick baby n send her home.
tad's about it.
i sumtimes do the most ridiculous things.
oh wellz.
was back by 515 la.
so yup.

i need games.
lend me d2 cd.
anyone wit game cd lend me.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

ice skatin.

the past few days have been pretty neat i guess.
save for one really unlucky happenstance.
oh wellz.
i shall recap sunday and today!!!!

sunday was church,dance n soccer day.
church was a really good sermon on howta deal wit prono addiction n how it ruins pple.
den it was dance.
the dance is comin together at long last?
and to me its an achievement cuz its been a pretty short culimination.
everythin synced up pretty quickly so yea.
6 weeks we got a dance out.
i gotta come out wit 32 more beats,
so i'll be frettin about it once again.
oh wellz.
but its really nice to see pple comin toget,
doin your steps,
and knowin tad this lil contribution you made is gonna be expressed and celebrated wit a whole bunch of pple to make Him happy.

den soccer.
i love soccer.
the week before was my first trainin and it really wore me ragged.
but yea.
since ns is comin up so any kinda physical activity,
now is the time to ask.
i scored a goal during the 1st session and made 1 goal.
tis week,
i scored 2 and made 1!!!:))
the 1st wasnt anithin special,
juz a normal curl tad dan fumbled..
but the 2nd was sumthin im pretty proud off.
david did a back kick tad left the ball headin behind and inbetween 2 defenders.
i was center strike so i rushed into the gap,
and before the ball even landed,
with the two defenders decently close to me,
i did a volley tad went into the bottom right corner of the goal.
it was a really sweet goal i tell you.
but at the same time,
since i used the face of my foot to whack the ball,
i kinda overextended my ankle and it kinda twinges my foot wit pain wen i walk.
even now.
oh wellz.

den today.
went ice skatin wit qi.
i hobbled onto the ice n basically concentrated on keepin my balance.
twas my 1st time on ice.
and yes i know deprived n all.
but it was bloody scary n fun la.
i nearly fell 4 times but the key word is NEARLY!!:))
didnt fall at all.
quite prouda myself pls.:))
it was really fun.
im honestly really quite tired but im pushin myself on before i sleep normal hours next week.
tml's hockey.
wanna see if i can score against the combined school's gk.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

juz got home.

im home.
im feelin emo.
i shall juz start rhyming.

in the still of the night i hear you call,
you're standin here outside my door,
my heart,i hear you,wad bid thee say,
wad off these feelins,tad wunt go away,
why your silence,despite your call,
why do you fade,wen i call.
is tis all there is,is there more,
i cant believe tis is all,you're searchin for.

i wunt accept,i wunt be content,
tell me more,or i'll view you wit comtempt,
wad's really goin on,inside you heart?
why keep this silence,tad's tearin you apart?
let it loose,i bid thee say!
dun be shy,dun hide away,
why the humility,why the shame,
wen we all partake,of the same pain.

wad are the words,that are chocked inside,
lets be frank,n put thoughfulness aside,
be as caustic,as you wanna be,
for right now,its juz you n me.
heart,o heart,why the silence still,
your silence bids rise,to your death's keel,
there's so much more,you hafta feel,
why stifle it all,and yourself kill.

stop the selflessness,it brings me no joy,
stop the foolishness,you silly lil boi,
come to me,i'll hear your woes,
and unto 1 person,you would've told,
tho 1's a small number,it'll make a difference,
in this world,there's no such thing as self sufference,
we were made,to make that difference,
be it fer 1 person,or the whole population.

so speak up now,dun hold you tongue,
let those heavy laden,words be sung,
let those lips,tad be so tightly prised,
be loosened up,as i pry.
the truth hasta be told,it will be said,
better it be now,den wen on death bed.
wen all the words,will come to naught,
where too late are made known,the desires one sought.
let not thyself,be in this web caught,
lets stay toget,n sail thru these waters fraught.

in this time n age,who can be trusted,
wen all arnd are traitors,and their bas*****,
generation upon generations,of successive fools,
who look upon trust,as mediums or tools,
foolishly sellin em off,fer temporal gain,
all witout,the slightest bit of shame.
not tinkin about,the hurt n pain,
they happily pawn others' trust,fer social fame.

heart,o heart,juz let me say,
nothing ever happens,tomorrow today,
nothing lasts ferever,lets be on our way,
along tis road,we'll make it fade away.
never again,will the silence be kept,
let not water be,kept in by silly taps,
of self righteousness,n foolish thoughts,
but expressed and recieved,wit respect earned n fought.

the end.