at long last

heh.
as i juz got cussed on my own blog fer not updatin,
(fer fysh's entertainment wen wow is down fer maintainence i suspect.:P)
i shall update now.
heh.
the reasonf er the lack of updates is cuz i've been wowin on the weekends n the com here in AFS doesnt allow you to log into blogger fer sum security reason,
which is quite absurd since they allow us to send mail n its alot easier to sent sensitive material thru email den to do it via blogger dun you tink so?
but yea.
nuf with the outta pointness.
im currently doni this via email,
typin this via yahoo mail n sendin it to my self so wen i book out all i needta do is copy n paste n backdate it to the corect date.
reason:i dun wanna gif up wow time.
its the 1st time im up to such a high level the feelin's exhileratin.
this is the furthest i've been in the game n the feelin is quite shiok.
imma shadow priest,an officer in the guild(which i 70+% singaporean),maxed out both my professions,which i've never done before in all my yrs playin via my stupid alaraintok.
so yea.
im really really happy wit the way things are turnin out fer me in the game now.
wen i get abck all i needta do is level 1.2 times n i oughta be able to take part in the zg raid alr.
which is awesomely 1137 cuz i've never done a raid before.
EPIX here i come.
wad else is new in my life.


hmmm.
this being wednesday mornin.
as of today,
im officailly no longer wit miss qq.
reasons i shall not cite cuz i told myself tad its my fault as much as anybody's.
so i shall juz keep my mouth shut.
but yea.
its official,
its infal,n its over.
im fine,im okie,im numb.
reason will be explained later.

you know.
its been such a long time since i've updated this thing.
i found myself wantin to update this wen a certain sum1 left in her honor,
but up till today,
i've yet to do so cuza WoW.
i shall do it now.

in the past 3 months,
i've lost almuz all the close non attached to me famels in my life in one sense or the other.
druggie left 1st,
maisie 2nd,
n now jie,juz last fri.
one reason why i'm so cold regardin the break is cuz i haf no more emotional energy left to feel anithin aft jie left.

the number of females i hold in my confidence are few n far between.
lets try listin em.
hmmm.
jie,ma,druggie,maise,g,rah(if she would bother to pick up the phone),n maybe one or two other in my pj frens n elsewhere tad are stil findin my way into full confidence.
yea.
literally a handful.
so yea.
their leaving has affected me alot.
i dunno why it is so.
this pple are the pple i go to wenever i feel down,
wenever i juz need to be TOTALLY n ABSOLUTELY truthful fer comfort n hopefully a solution or insight tad would point me the rte way.
the fact tad i can be so comfortable arnd em allows em to say perfunctuary statements tad lead to my eventual realisation of solutions n hard facts pertainin to the situation tad i hafta face despite denyin em fer ages.
of those liestedn
i dun tink there's one tad has not heard of my problems wit qi at one point or another.
they all dun haf the full picture,
as i go to a different everytime sumthin pops up so as to get a totally neutral perspective,n at the same time protect qi but yea.no avail.wad's done's done.
comin back to the topic at hand.

since i'ce written sumthin fer druggie alr.
here's sumthin fer mei.

that meal we went out fer's probably sumthin i'll remember fer the longest time.
i doubt you realise it,but its only the 2nd time we've ever been out together to actually sit down n talk witout pple's eyes on us.
the 1st been way back in sec 4 wen we were out shoppin fer sutff to bring fer retreat in june but never did end up buyin anythin n i remember you made me wait fer FORTY-FIVE MINS n arrived witout a ruffle in your hair,no apologies n juz said "lets go"
hahaha.
i can still remember fumin inside at far east's lobby.
den quitely followin you as you went out lookin fer your stuff.
i remember not really havin to buy anithin,but juz wantin to go out wit you.
those were innocent joyous days i guess.
i can still remember REAL days,
where we all saw each other almuz everyday,3 months at a go.
i remember how you would always rush into class late,
how you,jie n jeanie n sam would juz talk amongst yourselves whilst i hadta forge out an altogether new brotherhood wit clemon,blindly gropin outa way whilst i envied the intimacy tad was already in place wit ya'll.
i still remember tad bus ride wit your brother where you look clem in the face and said to me n your bro."never mind,clemon like me wad.rite clem."
n suddenly he turned beetred n you had abosolutely no clue you hit the nail rite on the head n i juz laffed till i turned blue whilst your brother turned to you n siad "wah kaoz,you're really too much"n watched you turned away.
made fer a extrememyl awkward yet entertainin bus ride.
i recall the jc yrs,where we slowly grew apart,you wit your dance life n all,me wit my hockey.
how we would rarely talk,but how we always seem to click wen united fer any project by church,be it dance or wadsoever.
effortlessly i would say.
how as we matured,so did our conversations,our mannerisms n the way we treat each other.
lastly,that meal we went out fer before you left,
how the auntie came out n teased us to no end.
left me rollin wit lafta as we bother desperately tried to convinced her i was attached n you had your boy.
tinkin bout the auntie who kapped a lil our our ice cream still puts a smile on my face.
you're missed maisie.
i was talkin to your brother aft you left whilst online.
i asked him"do you miss her alr"
he replied flatly"not really.pls lo.i tink you miss her more den i do"
i came up wit sum lame retort n went back to WoWing.
heh.
in tad sense i guess imma lil emotional boy.
i miss pple easily.
esp the ones i truly care for n look out fer.
you're one of those.:)) n i'll be waitin to take you out wen you finally come back,all the world wiser n ready to take on wadever challenges comes your wy.

but you know wad?
above all?
i'll miss those smges.
on those lonely 190 bus rides,tad wenever it rains,
if you're out there in a bus ride,
you would msg me sumthin totally sincere n sombre.
n i would always smile to myself aboard the bus,
reply wit sumthin befittin your honesty n juz feel contented knowin you.
tad's a lil magic tad i always treasure.

as fer jie.
dear jie.
i would always be your pillar of strength.
no matter wadever mite stumble you.
call to me n i'll be there.
as yourself.
i have similair regrets.
i regret not spendin enuf time wit you,
not caterin my free time to you.
we both made that mistake i guess.
in out worldly pursuits be neglected the person tad means the must to us.
i rmember only the few instances where i've been able to be there fer you,
comin home from sch n seein you sobbin by your bedside over a certain person,
gently strokin out your hair whilst you sobbed.
i remember not doin the same wen zn happened,
cuz i didnt see you react,
n tot you were okay.
but knowin now tad emotions cant be ignored,only sotred,wishin i had helped you overcome it n move along you way.
i remember goin to all your performances,albeit a lil reluctanlty,cuza computer or girls or wadever,but i would eventually be there to support you grudginly but always wen im there,screamin out fer you,
feelin as proud fer you as can be.
esp all those handbells recitals you had way back in mg.
i never told you how proud i was to have a sister who could do all tad.
you looked up to mariko.
i wonder if you ever knew how many pple look up to you the way you did her n you maintain oblivious to it all.

you're missed jie.
i realised sumthin spiritually about me in the car ride down to sendin you off.
i can only be an instrument of God in prayer wen i truly care fer tad person.
before i opened my mouth,
i didnt haf a clue as to wad to pray.
but yet wen i said the 1st line,.
qoutin the muz simplest of all verses,
you showed me where my limitations in paryer were n how to make the best o it.
up till today,
i still can rememeber how the tears rolled down my face in the car as i prayed.
my words were flat,
not emotionall evokin words,but the tears,anabashed,unfettered n unspoiled,they rolled for the loss of your physical presence in my life.
tad inevitable surrender to God's will tad none of us had a say in.
i threw away all illusiions of granduer,of being able to protect you cuz i kew i wouldnt be able to,n cried to God in surrender,liftin you into His arms.
i never knew i could cry like tad.
aft tad prayer,i told myself to be strong,your frens were goin to be at the airport,i wouldnt show weakness.
but as you finally broke down before stoppin thru,
strangly i felt no fear,no pain.
but wen ou entered the glass door,waved goodbye,wen you finally disappeared outta my sight,
despite myself.
the tears rolled down infronta everyone.
my weakness fer everyone to see.
my weakness is my love.
mylove for you,
for pa,ma,ernie,fer everyone i hold dear.
woe be to the person who abuses the love.
outta weakness i find my strength.
n i juz pray God take care of you.


to thses 3 very special pple in foreign lands.
may God keep you n bless you greatly.
know tad everynite befopre i go to bed.
each n everyone of you spend more den 1 min in my prayers
take care o yourselves.
n wen you call come back,
may ya'll be stronger in faith,
wiser in stature,
still tad same sum1 special.

imma sign off soon.
tml beings my outfiedl.
goin out to amoy guee camp to pitch tents all over again n sleep on mud.
back to the basics i guess.
same thing repeated the wholea next week n life'll be good.
its the 1st of nov today,time wen i began this entry's 1245.:))
be seein ya'll soon on the weekend.
till then.:))