Tuesday, November 25, 2008

hopes and dreams.

today's song a lil more emo.
hopefully it makes you guys sit up and take a listen.

the song is Heaven by Jamie Foxx.

i shall go into the lyrics a lil bit lower, but for now lets talk about hopes and dreams.

nirvana and heaven..
both seemingly unattainable things.
places where dreams come true, and you feel contented.

i guess im quite the idealist.
and i have really big dreams and hopes.
all along i've always told myself to dream big and hope even bigger.
cuz how far you set your sights, is how far you will push yourself.
cuz no one cares about your dreams.
they don't care if you do well, you achieve the life you wanna achieve.
so long as it doesnt benefit them in any way,
the average person in your life pretty much won't give a dam.
beyond vocal support.

and it is due to this very nature.
that i believe that one of the things tad most pple hold close and as secretive as possible,
is their very own dreams and hopes.
and sharing tad dreams and hopes only happens with pple tad you trust,you love, and you feel comfortable with.
pple tad you know will not betray you, pple tad will be there to help you reach those goals.
pple tad you believe in.

it is the very nature of the sensitivity of these personal things,
tad makes it such a tender subject to bring up.

and bringing it up.
makes you oh so vulnerable.
to teasing,
to the criticism,
to the ridicule.

have you shared your dreams with a random person in your life.
i highly doubt so.

i was going thru the past year in my head the previous days..
wondering where the hell i screwed up..
and i realize that part of the reason why i found it so hard to let go..
was cuz she really was a dream girl to me.
she's smart, she's beautiful, she's got a sense of humour,
she knew how to tease me, and a poke from her would get a smile on my face.
she would brighten up my day with single sentences, she would accompany me on my days n nights,
keeping this grumpy bear smiling,contented.
and time in her arms were juz heavenly.
and i couldnt be happier nor want anithing else.
all the shit i went thru everyday in camp, or at work, getting shit on by everyone in higher positions, would all fade away when my eyes found her.
and tad wry smile she would gimme as she anticipated the grouchy rant tad was incoming.
hahaha.=) those were perfect days.


there's dream number 1.before things changed i guess..hence "was"

dream number 2 was a little more difficult to achieve.
dream number 2 was in line with the chinese idiom " ai wu ji wu"
which to the best of my chinese memory,
means "love house love crow"
and the crow in this instance was her family.
i never felt so at ease with another family before.
be it even my own brothers-from-different-mothers families.
never ever so at ease.
we would go out for meals together..
i can still remember that one night when we drove out..
we went to kallang's shopping center..played arcade...
even her mummy joined in.=)
and then we went over to east coast..
and we walked...
in the darkness,
her sister and her mummy walking slightly ahead..
and with her just slippin her hand into mine...
and just walking along the walkway beside the beach.
i dun know anyone other family i tink i would've been able to do that with.

that was dream number 2 realised.

dream number 2 is an in-law family tad i feel at ease with.
a family tad i feel so comfortable,
that extended family dinners are commonplace, insteada the usual once a year reunion dinner.
i dunno if it applies to everyone,
but i've always wished for a close extended family.
like with both sides of my relations,
we ONLY meet during chinese new year and christmas.
i've always wished for a closer extended family.

and tad dream was realised with her family.

and im not being biased.
i've met up with qq's family before..and we've went for meals together..
i could never relax there.

so i do know wad im talking about.

dream number 3 was tad the girl would fit in comfortably with my bros.
and she was amazing.
tad night eating burgers out...
with my beloved timmy there.=)
man that nite was fantastic.
and then the nite of my birthday..
a girl tad would fit right in with these pple i hold dear..
a girl tad would be loved by them too.
i can still remember the comments after tad dinner..=)
still brings a slight warmth to my innards..before the grim reminder that she's someone else's now sends a gusty chill right over it and knocks it right over.
oh wells.

so yup.
there were 3 dreams tad i found in her.=)
at least while it lasted.

i found it highly amusing,
tad when we broke up..
and i was talking to her mummy,
thankin her for taking care of me this past year..
her mummy told me this "don't just disappear. you've become more a part of this family than anyone else has before. even thought she's made her choice, you'll always be welcome here."
she went on "when may(her lil sister) found out, she told me to ask you to be my Godson. cuz she's always wanted a brother. and you're everything tad she could ask for in a brother."

which i found bitterly ironic and brought a tear to my eye, cuz the very thing i was aiming to achieve in winning her family over... i achieved..

and yet i lost the most important person.


oh wells.
i do have 1 final gesture for them before i really take my bow outta that particular area in tampines..=)

but yea.
the point of this post in not to remind myself of pain so moving along....

i remember there was 1 night..
it was a saturday night..
and we were chilling in her room, me lying on her beanbag as usual,
and her in her bed..
and we were listening to music as usual.
i LOVED those lazy times.
it felt like a home away from the stress and bustle of the world you know?
but yea.
and that one night..
we talked about our dreams and hopes..
and we made a list of things tad we hoped to achieve together as a couple.
which is one of the things i asked for when we broke.
reason will be revealed when i finally get it.
which by then..
should be xmas time.

31 days to christmas.

okie back to topic..
but yea.

dreams and hopes.
and she's been the closest to being tad person who's had it all.
as close to perfect as anyone has ever been i guess.
hence why its hard for me to just walk on and move away.

i guess while she's been tad 99% dream for me,

i wasnt no where near to being even 50% of her dream guy i guess.
oh wells.
when i started out i already had 3 strikes against me alr.

okie thought of the day " so who would you confide your dreams to. who are the pple you would trust enough. if you have these pple...TREASURE them.tell them today tad you appreciate them."
everyone needs a lil reassurance from time to time.

the song today is a rather simple song.

its a beautiful love song.
and a song i sang to her once too.
in the first few months tad we were toget.=)

being a family oriented dude like my other weak-assed-bros
a fair portion of my dreams and hopes...
would lie in finding the person i can feel perfectly comfortable around.

the lady tad would make this bit of earth that this grumpy bear walks on....

a little piece of heaven.
and that little angel tad made it all possible.

check out lyrics under the link.
listening to the lyrics of this song really hits a tender spot.
its like the story of my past year...

Tell me have you heard the story
That took place not long ago
Bout an angel up in heaven
They say she up and ran away from home
Word is she had unfinished business
So back on earth she had to flee
Well you know I'm so elated
Because she's laying right here next to me

when we first heard this song together..she was really right there next to me...

Always dreamed that it would happen
I just didn't know exactly when
All my life I'd been waiting for something amazing

Said it took a while but now I know
So tell me can I get a witness
If you believe in miracles
And the proof I have is living

And my life will never ever be...

always dreamt of finding someone like her, just never thought i would find her now..i have always been waiting in a sense..for this ideal companion..and when i happened..it really felt like a miracle.

At times it seems we take for granted
How precious life can be
Just hold on and I'm sure you'll understand it
Bringing into this world
A precious boy or girl...

when God brings that someone special into your life..don't ever take it for granted..

cuz when tad angel takes flight..

your heaven wont EVER be the same again.


on a seperate note..
a coupla months back..
when baby moved into hall,
after the first month.
when it became evident that she wouldn't have much time to spare for me..
i bought myself a bball!
and started shooting hoops again.

and now 2 months down the line..
i feel like im gettin my old rhythm back.=D
the hang time may not be as long as it used to be..
neither am i jumping as high as i used to..
but i hope if i keep playing i'll lose a lil more weight and jump higher like last time.

today i played bball with a XLB team.
4 on 4.
XLB is like the unofficial nationals tourney.

so imagine this buncha bball dudes..all dam tall..all dam big..
and there's something dam primal about just CHARGIN you ass right into the middle of 4 guys who are taller den you,bigger den you ANNNNNNNDDDDDD


i swear there's this primal gorilla/bear within me tad cries for release.

its like box defense..
and only someone as retarded or insane like me would bunny hop right into the middle,
pray to allah tad i dun get flattened,fake here fake there fake here fake there...
praying someone takes the bait and gives me a hole to shoot.

so the ego boosting thing of the day was......

the guy..(i tink he was the captain)..
in any case he was like directing the defense.
and he was like(in chinese.im not about to HYPY the entire thing) "eh watch left..keep the zone steady.. sure can hold them one.."
den things were going well for them..
they were like 10-2 in a race to 17.
den i was like "cb la.all use height and mass to play one."
my team were all their point guards and shooting guards.
so i decided to be an ass.
and start rampaging.
so i started charging right into the middle.
and suddenly the score was 14-15 to us,courtesy of a coupla ridiculous charges into the paint and somehow getting the ball into the net in the midst of 4 wannabe-Giants.
and he was like "eh cb ya'll start watching properly.hold the box.beat one means its next guy pick up.ya'll dunno howta play meh!"
and as he was shouting that, i being my charge in the paint again..and den i fakey here and there..
and den did a fadeaway shot into the hoop.
and den he was like "wah lan eh cb la.how the fuck you defend tad kinda shit.fuck la i boh wei gong already."
den the other 3 guys starting laffing like shit.as well as my team members.
which was dam fun for me.

ego + 1 point.

its dam good to be back in the zone for at least 1 sport.

its always been a dream of mine for my girl to watch me do something im good at.
and up till today,
there's been 2 occasions tad i felt dam good playing sports.

one was when fish and crystal(i tink) came down to watch my match against tpjc.
during tad match i scored 2 goals.
and it felt really reall good having someone there who you love(fysh pls.not crystal) there to see you excel.

the other time was during hockey too.
where the girls team came down to watch our match.
i tink i scored 3 in tad match.=)
with pple who you actually give a dam about there to watch you play..
just makes you wanna perform better i guess.
pple like jamie and loi.
the 2 pple singularly responsible for my entry into the hocker world.

i've yet to have someone come down to see me play ball tho.
i was hoping tad baby would be tad person..
but oh wellz.
i shall juz keep improving till someone new graces my life again i guess.

but then again..
i dun think i'll ever allow someone to trod so much into my life again i guess.

arms length seems to be the safest.

its amazing how quickly you can lose faith.

i found this interesting quote from B&P,

"When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life. "

do you understand life?

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