confused.

the sayin goes "be careful wad you wish for"

and i find myself rueing that now.
i wanted to know tad no matter wad did, nothing would change, and i wanted so badly to accept that.
and now i can safely say tad i have accepted?
hahaha i really dunno.
and its really quite amusing.

i really am dam confused.

i havent really sat down and analyzed everything im feeling.

i keep telling myself all these things.

and den..somethine comes along,
and then i react.
and den i find out the hard way tad all this things ive been telling myself..?
they're all shit.
it isnt true if i react the way i do.
or isit just a knee jerk reaction?
i mean.
tad sudden feeling like the world turned upside down on you..wad does it mean honestly?

i used to love bloggin cuz it gave me time and space to think thru my thoughts.
but i serisouly cant seem to get my head around on this one.

i really dunno wad to think anymore.
and all i really wish for is to honestly know how i/you feel.
and accept it.


accept.
i guess i have alot of trouble accepting.
i was so ready to accept.
and den i got threw off balance.
and i fucked myself up majorly.
and now i have 1 more thing to regret.
sigh.

i really dunno la.
something's really changed in me in the recent times.
and im no longer thinkin straight already.

wishing somethin was real,doesnt make it reality.
but when tad hope collapses, then wad next?

i was talkin to someone this afternoon.
and tbh this person really gave me alot of things to be cheery about,
motivated me when i was feeling down.
and yea i guess after last nite's stupid reaction,
ive pretty much burnt tad bridge as well.

the cold bastard side of me says "yea good.now you can finally give it up"
but the softy says "shit dude.wtf did you do."
and i honestly dunno.

it was like this red haze descended on my vision when i read those words.
and this insane rage popped its ugly head.
ive never lost control like that before.
if i hadta rank this on a horrific scale,
i would rank it near to a 9/10.

and if i had to rank my disgust at myself now on a scale?
it would be 10/10.

im moving on day after day, cuz life goes on.
but i dun wake up smiling already.



there's a line i read once sumwhere.

and i think it really rings true here.

cuz wen i heard your voice today, it really took my breath away. and suddenly i felt this release within me.like the walls of a dam letting a lil loose?

you to me are like christmas morning.

does it make sense that i want you back so badly,
but at the same time i wanna push you as far away as possible so i don't hurt anymore?

you know.
i was up at 4 this morning.
and at the precise time.
half a world away,
a beloved needed someone to talk to.
and i guess God's hand brought me awake?
cuz i could be there for her.
sometimes things work out for the best.
sometimes they don't.
sometimes you can work to tip the odds in your favour,
and hopefully your puny insignificant contributions to the overall scheme of things actually matters in the grand cosmic play of the universe and then tip the universal scale of balance in your favour.

i belong to a school of thought,
which says that when you tell someone about something intimate.
when you share,
you gif a part of yourself to that person.
which is why i dun really have that much friends.
cuz after my childhood experiences, i dun really trust easily.
and i thank God tad ive found so many brothers who love me like family.
in the inverse..ive extremely few female friends.
like less den 1 hand kinda number.
in a huge contrast to my supposedly "bigbadassbuaya/flirt" persona.
which i couldnt be more unlike.

the reason is extremely simple.
its kinda like a bigdumbassenglishmancastle of old?
1 x huge mutha big walls, but inside 0 defenses.
gettin over the mutha big wall is impossible unless the drawbridge is let down and you're invited in.
and once's you're invited in,you're family.
and all that is left is the inner sanctum.
and ironically,
you could go where no one else can,
you brought me to places tad no one else did before.

i honestly....
really am speechless..

if this was supposed to help me sort out my emotions.
its not working.
sigh.
time to combat arms.
mindless automaton am i.
for now.