C D E.read n weep.

i walked into school.
with false enthusiasm.
wit silent dread within.
walked into the canteen n felt a lil better upon seein the hockey guys.
they made me feel like i had come home.
talked to em a lil while.
saw hafiz.
screamed at him "did they call you"
my humble bro nodded.
my heart leaped fer him.
str8 As fer this bro tad helped me immeasureably durin tad span of time.
time ticked by inexorably.
time arrived.
i headed into the hall.
cheered on frens who attained their st8 As.
finally the time came.
ran to the table.
wantin to get it as fast as possible n get it over with.
was 3rd in line.
saw my teacher's face beamin at me.
hope began to rise.
i tot i had reached the elusive C average.
genuine happiness was upon his face.
he was so happy i had actually attained all passes.
and so were the other teacher's present.
i didnt know so many of em actually bothered to check.
they came to say hi n congratulate me.
all pleased tad i had passed.
tad the impossible had happened.
from FFF to CDE wit no failed subjects.
genuine pleasure.
and wen i got the result slip.
i screamed within myself.
"wad the hell are these goddamned results.
wad in the flyin f am i gonna be able to do wit em.
why the hell are all of you congratulatin me!!
im a man witout a school.
im a man witout prospects.
one whose future lies in lieu.
WHY THE SMILES."
i called my mummy.
she was glad fer me too.
genuine pleasure tad i had passed.
i called my girl.
AAB.
genuine pleasure from me to her.
pride oozed from me.
i got a smart baby.
i called my sistter.
she heard from mummy alr.
also happy fer me.
all this while.
the voice within me SCREAMIN " WTF HAVE YOU DONE WIT YOUR PATHETIC EXISTENCE.YOU USELESS UNWANTED PIECE OF CRAP WITOUT A UNI"
i looked over at druggie.
CCD.
pretty good results.
envy flooded my heart.
i genuinely was jealous of her.
dun be angry at me druggie.
here was suym1 wit an overseas option.
i didnt haf tad.
why didnt i get those grades.
den i remembered.
did i really put in the effort to justify those results being mine?
no.
i shut up,
cut off voice to the inner demon within me.
and tried to remain calm.

i remember starin down at the field in a daze.
wonderin wad the hell to do.
den she called sayin she was comin to look fer me.
my 1st thought was "i had better get out of this goddamned mood before i screw up her celebrations which she definitely deserves"
2nd thought was how to achieve that.
i called my boss.
i needed action so as to stop feelin sorry fer myself.
asked her if i could work a coupla hours.
she agreed./
thus i only ruined my baby's day fer about an hour or 2.

went to work ina daze.
with her by my side.
sat at 7-11 and had my meal.
stayed in her arms n really felt so lost.
so lonely.
so bloody homeless.
useless.
there is no feelin like bein hung up dry n awaitin the stroke of judgement to fall.
that feelin of helplessness in knowin tad all the time where actions could've changed your present situation has passed.
waitin fer the knife to fall.

the day passed witout comment.
ibu(my boss) saw a need,
an opportunity cuz the bar was quiet,
and sent fysh home with me.
n once again i thank God fer havin fysh in my life.
fer there is no one in the world i can be so totally honest n truthful wit my emotions too.
he listened,
knowin tad he neednt say anithin.
God bless your soul bro.i honestly pray one day you'll get to know my God n acknowlodge him.
and yea.
all the things i cant say to my family were said to him.
all the things unmutterable to my baby were spilled to him.
the anguish manifested itself in a tirade tad had no end.
till i was spent.
limp.

did i mention?
my g.p results.
the one thing i was relyin on.
came up dry.
a lousy c5.
she got an a2.

that nite,
i talked to her,
litstenin wit half a ear as self centered worries took centerstage.
wonderin wad the hell was my path supposed to be from here.
wad was a supposed to do.
where could i possibly go.
and once again,
thank God fer puttin her in my life.
i know not her final meanin,
but i know her presence is no mistake.
despite all the religious complications,
its still His will.
and i Thank him fer providing me sum1 to lean on.

the next day i awoke.
went to work openin the bar.
left early to have dinner with her.
we went to this rest along clark quay.
the place was amazing.
the ambience,
these lil old school boats chuggin away in the wayer,
the lights reflectin of the water surface.
it was magical.
we ate crab n scallops,
spent a bomb,
and i sent her home, n arrived home wit time to spare.

at night,
once again.
my thoughs strayed towards my own problems instead of enjoyin her multiplicity of choices with her.
worryin bout where would i find a door open.
knowin tad with my results doors have already been closed.
sorry baby.:(

i met her frens on tues night n we had dinner toget at dilly bombers i believe.
and i began to fully appreciate the person im with.
and even more so now.
the truth has juz pronounced itself even more clearly to me.
i honestly cant avoid feelin this way be it silly or not.
as a result of my results,
my self confidence is at an all time low
the inferiority complex has attained megaphone level of clarity.
and wen i was tellin my sister about her fren's results,
plus her,
(btw,tink st8 As n yea.juz str8 As n a smatterin of Bs.)
she gave voice to this lil stupid naggin voice within me.
she said tis "wah.you better be prepared.tis kinda gal,tis kinda standard,very soon wunt wanna play wit you.you better get prepared"
be it in a jokin tone,
i was really stunned as my doubts were given voice.
baby's assuaged me that it'll never happen,
but at the same time,
im prepared fer that eventuality.

and then now.
my sister believes tad her chances fer a scholarship are really good.
n baby'll be able to attain the dream of bein a medical doctor should tad be the case,
to study overseas.
hmm.
which i believe will spell the end of sumthin really magical that's been the very thing i wake up fer every mornin.
ns plus not even meetin my gal on teh weekend is impossible.
but i believe tad should she be offered the chance,
she should take it.
and i'll be behind her all the way.
dreams are meant to be fulfilled.
n i hope the Lord presents me wit His grace again.
and with the faith tad it'll be enough fer me.

watchin the world go by,.
the pple wit the A's discussin their prospects.
never again will mistakes of this severity be made.
upon my life n my love fer my God.
i henceforth solemnly delcare that should a door into an institute of higher education provide itself n if God wills it,
is one of my likin,
i would be instill wit a gratitude like no other n a passion n desire to do well like never before seen.
but the doors are still closed.
and i'll be left hangin fer the next 4-5 months.
will i be able to take it.
God knows.
but i'll sure as hell hafta endure it.
and the goin these few days haf been tough.
but i believe the Lord'll help me overcome.

but the feelin of uselessness.
unwantedness.
stupidity.
wanton plain stupidty.
all my life.
i've been stated to be intelligent.
not the usual bs compliments given to students.
wen the teachers see my parents i could tell which said it fer real cuz they felt tad way n which said it as a standard line.
n many did mean it.
and now.
look at where i've ended up.
im sorry all who believed in me.
sorry all whom i've let down once again.

unworthy.
unworthiness.
i know its stupid.
but it still nags within.
my brain's doin a pretty good job of silencin the voice.
but wen it fails.
pls hold me up.
i dunno how long more can i stand this.

mucho thanks to ppple like baby,fysh,joey,rah,g,druggie,loi,jie n all who've called,msged,
to all who've expressed concern.
to all who care.
im sorry fer the snide tones.
the monosyllabic replies.
i love you all mucho mucho.
im sorry fer bein immature.
but i really feel lost.
forgif my childish behavior.
but still be here fer me should i really require it.
baby's provin equal to the task fer now.
but should tad time comes.
pls be here.
i really appreciate every one of ya'll.

unworthy.
its been a long nite.
i shall head to bed.
i'll be goin to career fair tml.
hopefully an option'll present itself.
and the Lord bless me with it.
night allz.

here's a photo on tues nite before doomsday arrived.
as usual i look clownish.
this be the bunch with the goodass ghey results.

absolution.

hmmm.
tml marks sumthin grave in my life i guess.
3 yrs ina school
would it amount to anithin???
GRRRR.
i hate the wait.
and mr tham better not drag it out or else i'll slap him.:@

hmmm.
pray fer me.
else you'll see me in the papers.
lol.

hmm.
niwaez.
im finally behind the bar.
come arnd sumtime i'll make you a drink if i can.

went to the beach today.
fer about 2 hours.
wasted trip.
no vball no frisbee n shat.
oh wellz.
shall find more siao geng pple to go wit next time.
:))

hmmm.
wad else.
i completed my driving stage one today.
in a grand total of 5 lessons wit the 5th bein today's review.
:))

next.
today was pretty fine a guess.
met her aft the beach,
went out wit her fer a while,
celebrated her fren's birthday wit her n her frens n came home fer dinner.

checkin dance moves fer dance now.
tataz.
:))

simple ponderins.

durin svc today.

this thought came to me as i was lookin at the bros n sistas in church.
i dun believe imma very holy christian.
nor am i the best example.
so forgif me if i come off soundin really standoffish cuz its really not my intention.
but im juz a curt person wen i haf a point to make so i'll always juz cut to the meat of the issue.

in the bible,
it says tad we have te victory.
thus we neednt worry bout other silly stuff tad is of the world.
at the same time.
we are in the world,
and as human.
we carry characteristics tad are OF the world into the church.

humans are manipulative pple.
i can name you the usual weapons in the arsenal.

guilt trippin.
emo strings pullin.
yada yada.

endless weapons.
ya'll know em.
i know em.
hell.
i tink we've all used em at one point or another to get wad we wan.

but at the same time,
i really believe the church should be a place where the word WORTHY shouldnt exist.
we all know the christian walk is bloody tiring,
strenous at the best of times.
and yet at the same time,
we shouldnt hafta prove ourselves worthy in the church.
the Lord looks at our heart.
not how we have proven ourselves to human standards.

i really honestly cant see the rationale behind why certain things are the way they are in church today.
why the need fer sum seriously ridiculous stuff i see.
the desperate rush of the younger ones who wanna be like the leaders followin the scent of blood.
its become "THE INITIATION RITE"
wen there shouldnt be one.
why should pple hafta adhere to this standard tad are set by HUMANS,
if they feel their heart is right wit God?
why should their desire to want to serve be hindered by humanoid perceptions as to wad the standards are?
i find it highly hypocritical.
you can argue tad they are leaders,
they hafta make sure every aspect is rite.

den again.
i ask you.
who the hell are you to judge.
why get in way of their desire to serve?

i quote this sayin tad i read from a book.

"kill em all and let God sort em out"

why cant tis work.
why should you be judgin this pple.
let em do wad they so desire.
if they are competent in their God given abilities,
dun stop em.
let em serve.
if their hearts are wrong,
they wanna do it cuza the fame,the glory,the whole seh of it,
the Lord will deal wit em.

WHO gave you the right to be the avengin judgementation of God.
i dun have anyone to blame.
to me.
its becomin like a company.
the systematic "organisation heirachy" has be formed.
my fear is tad it'll become sumthin OF the world and not a place where pple can find solace FROM the world.

those of you workin can alr see wad i mean.
the muz meaningless things you hafta do in the name of operational procedure.
things tad are utterly senseless but hafta be done to please sum human higher up in the company.
i really dun wanna see the church be led like a business.

i was chattin wit this guy who came to my bar.
he was a christian.
and the reason why he left was cuz he was so disgusted at the church becomin like a business den remainin the solace from the rest of the world,
the place to recharge n strengthen one's faith.
you wanna know which church is he from?
city harvest.
i sincerely hope we dun go that way.

maybe imma tinkin too much again.
but i really believe that certain signs are comin out alr.
and if my lil thoughts here can help a lil.
i sincerely hope it does.
maybe sum1'll read my blog and pass on wad i say.
i juz pray tinted glasses away,
and all who lead,
all who decides the system,
look at the heart insteada the way the person lives.
we're all in the world n guilty of bein of the world.
dun judge n condemn.
it sucks.

niwaez.
i've got 5 posts tad are saved as drafts.
teehee.
havent had time to go back to me yet.
oh wellz.
really really tired.
shall go nap a while.

sittin back.

i was in the middle of the long entry but duty calls.:)
heh.
niwaez.

i realise now tad aft all.
there are a still a few pple who aft everything,
we still be able to be close pple.:)
ya'll know who you are.

certain thoughts.

i dunno why,
but i've got lotsa time to tink bout stuff recently.
hmmm.
maybe its those empty bus rides with chilly air cons and me huddlin in the corner wit an ipod which chooses crazily apt songs fer the moment be it christian,ballads,emo rock n all.
emotive music i guess.
its al the ipod's fault i guess.
tsk.

niwaez.
this here's the song of yest.and today.

Babyface's - The Loneliness

Im sitting here
Thinking bout
How im gon-na do without
You around in my life
and how am I gon' get by
I ain't got no days
Just lonely nights
You want the truth
Well girl im not alright
Feel out of place and out of time
I think im gonna lose my mind

So tell me how you feel (im lonely)
Are you for real (so lonely)
Do you still think of me (i think of you)
Baby still (You only)
Do you dream of me at night (like i dream of you all the time)
So let me tell you how it feels (its like everyday i die)
Wish i was dreaming but its real (when i open up my eyes)
Let me tell you how it feels (and don't see your pretty face)
I think that i will never love again.

I miss your face
i miss your kiss
I even miss the arguments
That we would have from time to time
I miss you standing by my side
I'm dying here its clear to see
There ain't no you,
God knows there ain't no me
Don't wanna live,
I wanna die
If I cant have you in my life

So tell me how you feel (im lonely)
Are you for real (so lonely)
Do you still think of me (i think of you)
Baby still (You only)
Do you dream of me at night (like i dream of you all the time, so lonely)
Oh let me tell you how it feels (its like everyday i die)
Wish i was dreaming but its real (when i open up my eyes)
Let me tell you how it feels (and don't see your pretty face)
I think that I will never love again

sum1 that song was ghostinly apt last nite.
you know.
wen i came home last nite n i saw my sister awake talkin to her bf over the net,
sumthin struck me.
me n my sista always joked about it,
but yea.
i realise its terribly true.
i need a gf like my sister.
sum1 who's had years to know me,who understands me in and out,
a strong individual who knows wen to and when not to cater to my rubbish.
sum1 who knows wad to do to me and at the right time.
but i guess.
its unfair to ask it of any gal out there.
no one in the world knows me like my family rite.:)
so yea.

but sumthings really sadden me.
but i've made a decision to let em not affect me.
so they shant.:)

there's one aspect of life i always wished fer.
tad is to always come home to somebody.
esp if its a hard day's work.
but irregardless.
sum things will forever remain true.
actions i regret will always be regretted cuz the solution's not in sight.
to me the lines are clear cut,
the priorities are set clear.
maybe cuz i tink bout shat so much.

but i realised sumthin.
being a 2nd,3rd,4th, anithin but position one priority of a certain sum1 sucks.
but then again.
life's a bitch n there's a lesson in this so who am i to complain.
:)
aft all.
my insecurities prob hadta be solved one day i guess.
mite as well be now.:)

aight.
imma go try n see if wow still works.
my subscription was supposed to end yest.:)
teehee.

love n peace to all.

in keepin up wit times,
im currently workin the floor at indochine's Bar Savanh at club street.
that's close to chinatown fer those who wanna visit.:)
from chinatown mrt its about 5 mins walk.
im not yet behind the bar yet cuz i gotta learn and memorise the lists of cocktails n all before i can step behind n begin to mix drinks.
but at the same time.
it shouldnt be too long i guess.n hope.:)
i mean.
i came to learn a skill.
lets hope the skill is well learnt.
even if i make all of 20 drinks.
if the 20 drinks help me entertain guests next time in my dream home which has a mini bar,
i figure i've come out waaaaaaaay ahead.:)

come down n visit in 2 weeks!!!:)
i figure i'll be behind the bar then.:)
heh.
i've made a grand total of 2 cocktails.
mocktails la.
pinky n sunshine.:)
muzly juz fruit juices.:)
but they are pretty tasty.:)

oh wellz.
wow time.
if it doesnt work i'll be back.:)

the idle thoughts of a bus journey.

certain things in my life have been happenin tad've made me stop n realise sumthin.
i had a talk wit a certain sum1 last nite aft i put qq to bed.
sum1 who's been in my life fer the past 4 yrs.
gif or take a few.
sum1 who's seen the people in my life drift n change.
and yea.

i realised last nite tad i really am a selfish person.
and tad dealin wit me especially if you actually care fer me can be highly hurtin.
esp if you actually hope fer me to become sum1 respectable.
sum1 tad you can be proud off.
i realise there have been people in my life tad i've let down.
pple in life tad i've lost the respect of.
and the only way imma ever get back tad respect is if i finally become the person tad you pple see me bein.
i can name a few offhand witout even tinkin.

and to this few.
to those who actually cared about me in the past.
the ones tad i've constantly paid lip service to but havent ever been able to bring the goods.
i offer up sincere apologies.
fer i am not yet the man you percieve me to be.

and its funny tad i find myself in a similiar position now.
if only on the wrong side of things.
i've found myself in your shoes.
n now tad i know how it feels.

i regret not appreciatin you all last time.
i regret self centeredness.
watch n decide fer yaselves if you deem me worthy of your interest again.
i am tryin.once again.
but at the same time.
pls look not with tinted glasses.
i can try.
but still.
circumstances still rule the life of ben.

at the same time.
i would like to beseech those wit pple interested in your life.
do not take their interest fer granted.
take me as your example n repeat not my mistakes.
my story is yours should you ask.
but do your best to cherish these people.
should they leave.
i can assure you.
you will not be half the person tad you can and should be.
take my word fer it.
treasure these people.

in other news,
i've bought an organiser.
to basically keep track of my life.

A levels are comin out soon.
im lookin forward to irt.
hell.
i dun wan anithin now but juz an option to have.
any next higher institution of study will do.
juz gimme a path to take.
sighz.

39.1 fever.:) teehee.

well.
things have been interestin lately to say the least.
i've had lotsa things tad triggered me tinkin tis past few days.

hmmm.
niwaez.
fever 1st.
:)
im quite amazed by it.
cuz basically,
i went to work at 10 in the mornin feelin fine,
but started feelin giddier n giddier thruout the day.
den finally i knew i was gonna screw up soon,
so i asked the boss to release me.
den while on the way home.
i kinda got a fever spike.
tad went all the way to 39.1
which freaked me out like hell as did my family.
and yea
thank God it broke thru the nite.
im now back to my 37. sumthin.
but now its the stomach flu which is killin me.
basically,
the diagnosis was tad i have a flu,a stomach flu,a chest infection yea.
makes you wonder how come i can still function.
but as i always say.
everythin's psychological.
which is why wen i get taken down by a bug,
i really get taken down.
i never dramatise tis kinda stuff.
cuz im always scared tad once its real and i keep actin it up,
i'll get owned if i dun get help in time.
hurrhurr.

niweaz.
i signed up fer singapore idol.
HAHAHAHA
i intend to go see if i can actually make it.
as sum1 close once said to me,
it seems like im always in a contant race to prove sumthin to the world.
in this is another challenge i guess.
its true of me i know.
so long as i see sumthin tad i feel a need to excel in,
i kinda blow thru everythin includin myself till i've proven tad i am the best
if not,at elast capable of hangin in there till i can mix wit the top boys.
:)
shrugs.
as sum well know i guess.
the most recent bein my hockey endeavours i guess.
God knows how many i alienated during my mad rush.

sighz.
loadsa things happenin.
i realised tad in life i kinda treat myself as the star of my own drama serial.
i dunno if ya pple ever find it tad way,
where you kinda like victimise yaself in everyway possible,
wantin to be the muz liked thing/person the world has ever known.
its kinda juz happens in my case.
i know of a few others too.
a common symptom is the ability to say the wisest things n at the same time do the silliest things.
i have tis motto tad "if it aint fun,why bother doin it"
basically,
im in it fer the rush.
a fren berated me once,
sayin i was bein foolish n tad certain things NEVER will be composited entirely of fun,
and if the game or event be undertaken,
there will be other things involved,
be it monetary losses,
emotional losses,
spiritual losses,
and all.
you get the pic.
n true as it is,
its never tad easy to let it all go is it?
sumhow in life tragedy n memory of how one overcomes is all you haf to keep yaself goin?
i guess i mite be doin a same thing here,
but i hope sum pple out there would actually realise tad its happenin to em too.:)

hmmm.
i shalll stop here cuz i dun wanna go into details of wad's eatin me.
suffice to say tad frustration's beginnin to come about.
im a demandin person i know.
i demand the best outta myself if i deem it worthy.
and at the same time,
the best outta the pple tad take interest in wadever they deem worthy.

go figure.:)
i love my cryptic shat.

39.1 fever.:) teehee.

well.
things have been interestin lately to say the least.
i've had lotsa things tad triggered me tinkin tis past few days.

hmmm.
niwaez.
fever 1st.
:)
im quite amazed by it.
cuz basically,
i went to work at 10 in the mornin feelin fine,
but started feelin giddier n giddier thruout the day.
den finally i knew i was gonna screw up soon,
so i asked the boss to release me.
den while on the way home.
i kinda got a fever spike.
tad went all the way to 39.1
which freaked me out like hell as did my family.
and yea
thank God it broke thru the nite.
im now back to my 37. sumthin.
but now its the stomach flu which is killin me.
basically,
the diagnosis was tad i have a flu,a stomach flu,a chest infection yea.
makes you wonder how come i can still function.
but as i always say.
everythin's psychological.
which is why wen i get taken down by a bug,
i really get taken down.
i never dramatise tis kinda stuff.
cuz im always scared tad once its real and i keep actin it up,
i'll get owned if i dun get help in time.
hurrhurr.

niweaz.
i signed up fer singapore idol.
HAHAHAHA
i intend to go see if i can actually make it.
as sum1 close once said to me,
it seems like im always in a contant race to prove sumthin to the world.
in this is another challenge i guess.
its true of me i know.
so long as i see sumthin tad i feel a need to excel in,
i kinda blow thru everythin includin myself till i've proven tad i am the best
if not,at elast capable of hangin in there till i can mix wit the top boys.
:)
shrugs.
as sum well know i guess.
the most recent bein my hockey endeavours i guess.
God knows how many i alienated during my mad rush.

sighz.
loadsa things happenin.
i realised tad in life i kinda treat myself as the star of my own drama serial.
i dunno if ya pple ever find it tad way,
where you kinda like victimise yaself in everyway possible,
wantin to be the muz liked thing/person the world has ever known.
its kinda juz happens in my case.
i know of a few others too.
a common symptom is the ability to say the wisest things n at the same time do the silliest things.
i have tis motto tad "if it aint fun,why bother doin it"
basically,
im in it fer the rush.
a fren berated me once,
sayin i was bein foolish n tad certain things NEVER will be composited entirely of fun,
and if the game or event be undertaken,
there will be other things involved,
be it monetary losses,
emotional losses,
spiritual losses,
and all.
you get the pic.
n true as it is,
its never tad easy to let it all go is it?
sumhow in life tragedy n memory of how one overcomes is all you haf to keep yaself goin?
i guess i mite be doin a same thing here,
but i hope sum pple out there would actually realise tad its happenin to em too.:)

hmmm.
i shalll stop here cuz i dun wanna go into details of wad's eatin me.
suffice to say tad frustration's beginnin to come about.
im a demandin person i know.
i demand the best outta myself if i deem it worthy.
and at the same time,
the best outta the pple tad take interest in wadever they deem worthy.

go figure.:)
i love my cryptic shat.

falalalalalala.

hmm.
cny's come n gone.
i hope the hols been well fer all.
its been pretty decent fer me i guess.
things changed alot my last entry so lalalal.
forget bout it.:)
hmmm.
niwaez.
i dunno wad im here to blog cuz i wanna go wow,
but yea.:)
things are bright and cheery.
at least fer now.:)
enjoy the rest of the zhu month.
zhu as in zhu yi,zhu er tad kinda zhu.
my hanyu pinyin sucks.

goddammit.

was there more i could've done.
goddammit.
bloody de jevu.
i hate myself.

dun you hate it wen your own insecurities constantly rob you.
goddammit.

entrance

i have entered the world of self hate,self despair,hurt n pain.
self despise too.
hate fer oneself has never been this strong.
maybe its only this strong only cuz it hasta match the hurt i feel so i cant feel it.
i dunno.
i hate it as well.
i really really regret my actions.
why the fuk did all this happen.
cuz ben had to be such a smartass.
wonderful.
its amazing aft everythins done,
a lil reciprocation's still not in order.
fer nothin less den giving sumthin else tad offers better benefits a chance.
and fer makin me happy.
juz making me happy.
n tad's not enuf.
sighz.
i hate myself.
i hate the world.
i hate God fer dealin me this hand of cards to deal wit.
cuz im not prepared to do so.
i hate myself.
and if you've got nuttin to say./
you better not fukin tag on my board regardin tis entry cuz i swear i've fukin tear you to ribbons.
dun push me.
im done.

how can love be so painful.
wen i only asked fer one thing once.

things in life you regret.

are there things in ya life upon reflection,
you find yaself wishin ya haf never done.
have you been so sorry,
but yet the word sorry dun cut it.
i've been there.
i've done tad.
certain unmentionable things,
and certain mentionable.
but upon reflection.

pls accept my apologies.

ponder.

hmm.
well.
im injured!!!:)
heh.
cuz i was runin fer the bus yest,
den my rite food slipped on the step n slid all the way along its path,
twistin itself n scrapin my left knee againt the asphalt yest,
leavin "blood n skin n dna" on the ground there.
yes.
thus my highly immobile state wit my rite ankle elevated and my left knee flexed.
cuz if it aint flexed,
wen i flex it,
all the dried blood'll crack n it'll bleed again.

its been a long time since i pondered.
i really wonder wad's goin on in my life.
at least spiritually.
my mummy's been insistin tad i've a callin in the teachin min.
so did sista becky from way back.
another big sign tad my mummy took it as confirmation to the naggin she's been
giving me's tad i got my 1st relief teachin job today.
and i couldnt go cuz im limpin.
kinda seems funky eh?
mummy says its the devil at work and i should go into teachin fer real.
but then again.
bein a teacher's been my main ambition since dunno when pls.
kinda confusin in its entity.
shrugs
who knows.
who can tell.

i was juz readin a fren on mine's blog.
n i was kinda happy tad yea.
ina sense,
its muz prob her own ponderations,
but there was a time where wad she wrote was sumthin mentioned during our last conver.
hmmm.
i dunno.
i juz tot it was noteworthy.
i dun even know if she reads my blog,
but to her "tink it thru".
before its too late.

im not really ina ponderin mood i tink.
im kinda juz ramblin.
its kinda hard to tink wen your leg's throbbin n you can feel ya knee blood tryin to goo up to form a protective layer over the wound so it wunt get infected.

niwaez.
i shall tell ya'll about my driving exp!!:))
i've been pretty far along in my drivin alr.
im on the main road and i went up to 70kmh in gear 4.
:))
its really quite a rush but yet its highly scary as you know outta sudden,
you haf the responsibility of not only ya vehicle,
but not to knock down those stupid jaywalkers who wait at the side of the road.
i.e-me.
i have never in my WHOLE life felt to terrified as wen i was goin at 60 and
this stupid boy came barrelin down this hill at the roadside like he was goin to cross.
i would've emergenc braked if not fer my instructor who said "go."
one word but yea.
it turned out to be rite cuz he stopped RITE AT THE KERB.
i was mutterin under my breath,
my knuckles were clenched tight on the wheel till the instructor told me to relax.
:@:@:@:@:@:@

funky.
the instructors i realised,
have absolutely no qualms about tellin you to do new things about 1 sec before you hafta do it.
example:instructor'll bold.
i.e-i've never made a turn before,
turn left at 17.
huh!?(goes past 17)
turn left at 18!
huh!!!(brakes,nearly stalls,swing the wheel madly,go into the lane,correct)
i've hever turned before.
tad's why muz start lo.

n i'll be like %#^$@$%&#$^#@

then came the best thing.
rite turns.
man.
wen you're still havin trouble wit not stallin,
and ya mind's filled wit terrifyin images of ya car stallin in traffic's way,
he still didnt gif none warning.
man.
:@
i was in cold sweat la.

its highly challengin.
and its really sumthin teachin me the severity of driving n all.
funky stuff.
but wenever i have lesson,
NO BLOODY JAYWALKIN DAMMIT.
thanks.mucho gracias.
:))

i GOT A COM.:)

i got a com i got a com i got a com.
teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ponderations.

self-remonstrations.
the bittersweet taste of decisions in ya life.
are there decisions you made tad made you happier n whole fer em but yet those decisions are not witout their own fallacies.
highly amusing.
and thee decisions if you ever had to make em again.
you'll still make em the same way n embrace everythin again.
i dunno if its a sign o immaturity,
o be a sign of it inverse tad i actually reflect on my decisions.
shrugs.
maybe it juz be in matters o the heart.
i havent the faintest clue or the want to go tink it thru.
my being's exhuasted.
i slept at bout 2 plus last nite.
she's back at last.
:))
thanks to all tad kept me company.
fysh,druggie,les,jeremy n gang.
either knowingly or unknowingly.
thanks.

hmmm.
yes.
where was i.
i was half ina catonic state at nite wen a bloody truck *RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*
passed by house.
and bein the lite sleeper tad i am,
i woke up.
snorted,
tried to roll back to sleep but to no avail.
yes.
imma lite sleeper.
:(
plus it takes me dam long to get to bed lest im like totally halfway down the pipe tad kind.
so niwae,
accordin to history,
prob dozed back to sleep by about 6 plus..
den yea.
woke at 725.
to go.....FISHIN
UH!
good stuff.
i swear its dam fun if you catch.
if not its butt boring.
kekek.
well.
we didnt,
but i nearly did.
too rusty alr la.
been too long since i last casted a line.
but it was enjoyable,
the weather was awesome.
breezy,
cold.
sweet weather to be in a bed.
but yup.
enjoyed the time wit my parents.

aft,
we went to tampineeeeeeeeeess mall.
wewent to do my phone stuff at starhub store,
which took dam long fer sum unearthly reason.
basically.
to get my phone,
we dallied there almuz 2 hours.
go figure bout the svc.
juz to pay took twenty mins.
highyl annoyin.
den we went to this dim sum place.
man.
i swear their xiao long bao can put crytal jade outta business.
no shat.
its tad good.
like you use POINTED CHOPSTICKS mind you,
pick it up close to the top,
lift it off the cloth layer,
jiggle it,
the skin doesnt break cuza te weight of the soup/gravy inside.
and wen you put it in ya mouth it kinda doesnt feel like anithin.
GOOD SHAT.
:))
bout 9 bucks fer 10 i tink.


yup.
den came home.
exhausted,
spent,
but happy.
sated in the sense of family love,
but still yearnin fer more.
im greedy.
wad can i say.
and therein lies the source of my self remonstrations.

oh wellz.
lalalalal.
i shall go take dinner now.
tata alls.

o yea.
fer those interested.
i got a blue razr.
yup.
blue.
wad else.
:))
i try not to fit in.*grinz*

well.
the 4 days are gone.
lemme recount their passin.
everynite's been pretty awful.
wen sumthin's been goin on long fer so long(prob bout 1 mnth or more),
and it suddenly stops,
makes things kinda diff to live with.
hmmm.
the 1st nite was horrific,
i ended callin random pple.
yea.
pissed off a few of em too.
sigh.
hmm.
in the end,
talked to druggie till bout 4 i tink.
before i got so seh i HADTA sleep.

den next day,
went out wit druggie fer a drink,
went to suntec n basically chatted bout the same things we were talkin bout the nite before.
diff decisions we make in our lives,
the kinda probs we face,
and yea.
all tad kinda shat.
hmmm.
den saw grace.
interestinly nuf,
she works durin school.

wad else.
nuttin much.
druggie hadta leave early,
we walked arnd a while,
den left.
i came home,
slept.
at least tried too.
fitful sleep doesnt even begin to cover it.
oh wellz.
but exhaustion took me sooner.
prob drifted off at bout 3.

hmmm.
den woke up on sunday fulla anticipation fer soccer.
but the Lord had other plans and yea.
it got cancelled cuza rain.
in the end,
went to dota.
i swear i suck at tad stupid game.
but yea.
doesnt matter.
as of today,
y wow has come back to life.
lvled once toda.
n yhea.
once again.
ive got new hopes.
mumy says com mite be in on sat.
:)))))))))
kekekeke
goot shat.
if its in,
den yea.
i can stop worry bout lanshop costs n play decent wow.:))

den yea.
today was easier.
i went fer driving in the morn,
went ll wit fysh to wow n other stupid games,
den went wit him n druggie to pjc fer the campfire.
couldnt find any half decent lookin chicks.
thus another dismal turnout fer this yr's crop of j1 which is nuttin new niwae.
teh looks department since the yr before mine started droppin.
*shrugs*
nuttin new i guess.

den walked out wit fysh to eat,
den yup.
she came back.
and thus passed 4 days witout event.

and btw.
:))
i go out onto the main road on weds prob.
so drivers,
BE ON YA GUARD.
im dam scared of stallin in tad situation.
i swear i'll juz cry.
:(
but niwae,
the instructor tells mi im doin really fine so yup.
shall take heart.
no more stallin today.
the car was co operative.:))

niwaez.
today lesson was an overachiever's lesson.
i tink i did 2 lessons worth of subjects in today's lesson la.
:)) so yup.

----------------------------------------------
tis was all i could recover.
i like typed a dam long one bt yea..
forget it.
im not gonna type it all over again.
grrr.

dadadumthumpthump

hmmm.
wogay.
wad else is new.
i hate gettin conned wen lookin fer a serious job.
its annoyin!!!
went fer 3 interviews today n 2 of em were from the same company juz different floors.
annoyin.
oh wellz.
shall pray fer a proper job soon.
i intend to go back to indo on tues if a cant find a proper one over the weekend.
so wad if its 5.5 n only bounces to 6.5aft a while.
its a job i guess.
im sicka wastin away at home.
i figure i get myself a job,
go buy myself a pair of black converse shoes,
chill out n use my silver pen to make it "me" n yea.
juz go work n learn the bar if i can at the same time.
:))
househ.

tml got appreciation svc.
oh shat.
wad's the time.
wait.
i got check.
great.
the letter doesnt include a time.
nvm.
shall juz bounce in the car aft my driving lesson i guess.
:))

speakin of which.
i shall begin driving lessons tml.
:))
my main aim by tml is to master it fast n make it past the 3rd gear module.
:))
i dun have my pdl yet,
and if im not wrong,
tad's bout the highest ya can go witout a pdl.
so yup.
:))
i wanna attain tad by tml.
:))
den hail me 1337.
scarli i come out wit only a one tick.
:(
lol.
i laf myself stupid la.
:))
shiftin to 3rd gear's the 4th tick.
:))
yea.
lolol.
im bored.
shall go find sumthin to do.

wonderin.again.

hmmm.
sumtimes in life you wonder if there's really sumthin worth doin.
i get really muddled so much of the time.
if God's given us the victory,
wad's left to prove.
if there's nuttin left to prove to the world,
i would juz throw away all my responsibilities n go do teachin of God's word full time.
i swear.
but den again,
can i be absolutely sure im not shrikin my responsibilities.
funny funny thoughts.
oh wellz.
one muz be responsible.
n all.
shrugs.
i applied fer jobs at indochine n harry's bar.
indo's 5.5 but can be raised to 6.5.
i dunno bout harry's.
they're requirin bartenders which i wanna learn howta become,
but yet i dun haf skill so its iffy.
shrugs.
shall go call em back tml n see if i really stand a chance.
lalalala.

if sumthin is as iffy as love is.
if the person's behavior confuddles you,
if you know inside tad she really seems to be the one fer you,
would you still wanna wait despite all the cold shoulders?
*ponders*
and yea.
its juz ponderin.
dun read too much into it.
i always get a whole lotta shat everytime i pnder here so i shall cma here.:)) yay.

niwae
daddy got a rokr e1.
its got a phone.
i took tis pic wit it.
its my xmas prezzie.

on fire

Tell you where you need to go
Tell you who you need to be
Tell you what you need to know
Tell you when you'll need to leave

But everything inside you knows
Says more than what you've heard
So much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

Chorus:
And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

Chorus:
When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
these mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me (x3)
I'm standing on the edge

Chorus:
And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fireWhen You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries...

a painfuly beautiful song fer all.
all manners of interpretation.
go find one tad speaks to you.
go download it,
go buy the album,
its from switchfoot.:))

crossing over

hmmm.
has everyone more or less decided on a new yr's resolution?
i havent.:))
hahahaha.
i swear makin em's like suicidal cuz you're more or less prone to fail unless its the Lord's will.
so let Him decide ya new yr's resolution.
cuz yea.
basically.
you aint gonna decide nuddink in ya life.
:))
lalala.
im sittin here wit a feelin of bein whole within me.
sum things hafta be made official.
and wen they are,
you feel whole.
lalalala.
bored stiffless.
shall go look fer games to play.
:)

passed.

i passed my basic theory.:))
lalalal.:)
praise the Lord.
:)

i need new songs fer my ipod.

anyone wit current pop songs n r&b n hip hop songs
willin to like loan me about an hour worth of ya computer's time
to get new songs in my pod??:)
pity the ipod owner wit no com.:(

yea!!:)

i finally got the pics up.
sumhow.:))
i hope it works.
its in e post below this one i tink.
go sign the guestbook n laf at me.:))
i tink i look dam corny.
buahahaha.:))

arhz.
the pleasure of having time to oneself.
went out in the morn to teach,
den came home,
bought back those old school loaves of bread??
fer mummy n ern.
ya know know old school dam fat ones before baguettes came about in singapore??
where it comes from old uncles tad cycle arnd n have this white wooden boxes in teh back wit bread kaya.
:))
yup.
den made it wit kaya fer ern mummy n i den we left to go town..
i went to town's library.
den mummy went to back.
den triedta look fer my book but couldnt find it.
but i found it under CLL.
den i didnt know wad tad stood fer??
so i hadta go ask the librarian ower.
:))
noob.
den learnt tad its juz the new national library.
its called central loanin library or sumtime.
and my mummy fer sum reason,
(i believe its called love)
fetched me over there to go book huntin.
which is why rite now,
i have 6 books in my room n lotsa time to read em.
at least till tml nite before i start muggin like hell fer my theory test on thurs mornin.:))

pray tad i pass.
i'll be dam angsty if i dun pass.
:@:@:@@:@:@:
they dun allow you to book multiple tests.
so if i fail i hafta do the ruddy evals again.
:@:@:@:@:@:@
kaoz.

hmmm.
did i mention i love teachin?
i tink i did.
hahaha.
:))
niwaez.
its a hell lot harder den it looks.
but meanwhile,
i shall spend time on myself.
i wanna go learn wakeboardin.
anyone wanna come wit me??
i tink its bout 400 bucks non includin the bruised ass.
tad i believe ya gotta bring yaself.
hmm.
yup.
tag mi if anione's interested.
:))

lalal.
wad else.
i wanna go read.

thanks fer the gifts i recieved.:))
to everyone who gave me one,
its appreciated.
:))

this should get ya'll to my prom pics.

http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=2116489301&code=19913358&mode=invite&DCMP=isc-email-AlbumInvite


its in her name cuz its her cam.:))

merry christmas to one n all.

this christmas.
lets juz all take one second,
roll ya head back,
stretch ya neck.
n join me ina lil thanksgiving.
this is my list.
if ya feel me,
juz say "amen", "yea man", "uh huh,tad's my thanks as well"

firstly.
lets thank God fer sendin his Son fer us.
witout whom we would not exist on this torrid plane of existence manifested wit temptation,pressure,deceit,hate,every negative vibe tad exists.
if he didnt come,
we would be the ashes tad we came from.
thank Him fer our existence.
im pretty sure tad despite it bein sad at times,
we did haf moments we enjoyed.

secondly,
lets thank Jesus Christ fer dyin fer us n givin us multiple shots at life.
(at tis point in time,i would juz liketa say tad everythin would be thankin
God cuz basically He be the power tad be.so yup.
you can thank wadever gods you believe in.but i'll recommend mine.:) )
witout his grace n mercy,
you really tink you would've got away wit the rubbish you did tis yr?
all the jaywalkin,lookin at answers,
slackin,lyin to frens,parents,family,lovers,
you better thank Him fer lettin ya vague shades of lies pass thru.
if you dun feel like it,
tink of the shat you'll be in if it all came to light.
im pretty sure it'll change ya mind n heart ina hurry.

Thank Him fer His blood tad washed away our sins.
if not,
n if santa really existed,
it'll be a really really easy life fer him.
can you imagine.
the whole santa hood chillin all yr long.(punpun.get it?chillin in the north pole,
okie,i shall shut up.:) )
all the elves'll have nuttin t do all yr long n juz kick back their heels n relax.
if you actually got a present fer xmas,
you better thank Him rite the hell now lest you get coal in ya stockin next yr.

thank God fer family.
the never diminishin source of as pure as one can get to agape love in this tragic world.
the ones who become wad i term the "silent supporters" as i am to a select few.
who despite the distance,
the lack of talk time,
you know these pple'll will always be there to watch ya back.
thank God fer ya family.
den go Thank Ya Family.
please.
be human n speak wit ya heart.
thank em.

to those like me who made it past the As tis yr.
thank the Lord fer seein us thru tad awful time.
fer deliverin us from late nites of last min study n bringin us about face once it ended.
all the A level grads pls say an amen.
ya pple know how bad it felt.
i neednt say more.

to those who found love,lost love,retained love,n got heartbroken,
thank the Lord of memories n lessons you'll remember all of ya life,
the mistakes ya made,
the mistakes you found yaself absolved all guilt of,
the bitter aftertaste tad left a heartache within you.
raise a hand of salute to yor memories n experiences.
and thank the One above who made em all appear in ya life.

thank the Lord for frens.
the clowns you hang out wit,
in school,at work,at play,the pple tad brighten up ya life wit their stupid jokes,
really horrible lame ones,
the ones tad sumtime do sweet lil things tad you know they hadta make an effort to make you haf tad one smile.
the ones tad also are there to take ya bullshat n angsty rants(if you're anithin like me tad is),
the ones who are there to support you as far as they're willin to.
thanks fysh,alv,crys,wicker,dud,aaron,tim,joey,lester,sarah,qi,maise,
g,jam,druggie,swong,daryl,john,hafiz,nerdy,deb,fauzie,adi,
khai,shunting,rovin,keat,maine,wen,
serene(the one i learnt to be a silent supporter from,i still remember
our 1st conversation.:) the time i came clean n ya did too.:) ),van,
all of you,as well as those i sumhow cant recall rite now cuza the glare of te stupid com,
from the ones tad brought me joy thru hockey,thru soccer,thru wow,thru movies,thru smiles,thru ministry,thru being a real bro or a real sista,
to everyone of you's who's made my life this yr sumthin tad i can look back n smile at,
thanks.:))
here's a hug fer alla ya'll. *hugs*

lastly,
since im runnin outta ideas cuz the above are all broad strokes,
and they encompass basically everythin dependin on how one interprets it,
i HAFTA make sure you pple get the last one.
thus imma bold it.

thank God fer yaself.
i cannot even begin to express the love tad one should haf fer oneself but yet i
see alot of my closest pple not having within em.
love yaself pple.
from there,
the respect,
the poise,
everythin tad you wan to project to the world will naturally stymmie forth.
love thyself n the world will become ya apple.
if ya have God on ya side n if it be His will tad it becomes ya apple.
it will be.
love yaself.
stop doin things tad break ya apart inside,
stop wastin ya life,
stop wit the facades n be honest wit how you really feel,
stop all the backslidin n behave ina manner tad befits ya faith,
prioritise,
make the things tad benefit you line up 1st,
make it a priority to return the love of those tad love you.
make sure you dun lose the things you treasure by makin em feel cherished,
stop botherin bout the way the world tinks fer juz tis instant,
and juz love yaself.
make it a new year's resolution.
do sumthin you know will benefit you.
as in deep within n not the image tad you project to the world.
yes pls.

thank God fer yaself,n love yaself.


tad concludes my thanksgivin.
i hope ya at least agreed to at least 2 of em.
lest i tink you're really one hella an ungrateful pig n ya should go back up n
re read everythin again.
:@:@:@:@:@:@:@:@:@:@:

and agree to at least 2 you lil ingrate.
GRRRRR.

niwaez.
HEY ALL WHO WISHED ME MERRY XMAS!!!!
HAPPY HAPPY MERRY MERRIST CHRISTMASS TO YA'LLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!
sorry if i didnt reply,
my sms's limit was learnin juz how high the sky goes till it hits the roof so i was tryin to
bring it back down to earth.

im officially outta work.
i really need more students.
n i need my m1 contact to come thru.
anione know any part time job tad goes fer $7 n more per hour tad hires 2??
hopefully not formal attire pls.
but best of all.
pls get me students.
i wanna teach!!!!!
:):))
i know i can do it.
hahahaha.
:))

roxor.
i've got bittersweet emotions left within.
wonder if words'll make emselves clear.
but yet.
i dun wanna focus on the bitter yet.
it'll come in its time.
meanwhile.
lets let me savour the sweetness or wad's left of it.
:))
nites all.
see ya'll soon.

fitin ghosts.

things are goin fine.
im sick of fightin ghosts.
really tired wit all this shat.
niwaez.
its christmas season soon.
bein poor sucks.
i've been lookin at stuff n i see stuf i wanna buy fer my fam but im scrapin the bottom of the barrel now.
thus.
shoppin sucks.
i really cant be bothered to blog rite now.
im dam angsty.
so yup.
i shall juz stop here.
cuz im under specific instructions to never blog wenever im angry as i mite offend sensibilities of pple who read my blog n aft tad go tell me sista tad ive got issues.
and despite my repeated appeals fer em to talk to me,
still go talk to my sista.
which i still cant understand cuz if i matter nuf fer you to actually make you wanna say sumthin,
you guy would rather talk to my sista despite me openin myself up to your opinion.
why?
you afraid i'll see thru the faint veneer of concern.
i swear i can count the no of pple tad actually care nuf to come talk to me in ONE hand.
n the saddest part is tad the majority aint even christian.
but the pple tad talk to my sista about me?
the odds swing the other way.
i really dunno wad to say.
maybe im juz angstin again.
but you know wad.
it dun change the fact tad its true.
i bet imma get scolded by my sista again but i really cant be bothered.
i make my testimony by bein honest n forthright to the world.
i put everythin i feel here n bare myself.
you pple can come tell me exactly wad you feel but you dun.
so dun come criticize me.
phoneys.

im 2nd in overall sales fer the month despite bein part time.
n i only lost to alpha bitch who constantly sends me to the storeroom to do stock.
gah.
i really cant be bothered to vent anithin here la.
screw it.
i hate fightin ghosts.

how do you get rid of sumthin tad doesnt exist except in an enthreal form?
you cant.
its times lke tad i really dun wanna bother.
sum fites you can win,
sum you cant.
so yea.
i dun fite battles tad are over before they begin.
so yup.
im done.
at least fer tad particular battlefield.
im gone.

3 days gone.boastin time.

hmmm.
lalalala.
i dun really haf much to blog about.
im juz here to boast.
:))
today sold 2.5,
the day before 1.6,
the day day before.
4.02k
kekeke.hail me teh 1337.:)

passed.

i finally passed my ruddy BTE.
which fer the uninitiated,
means basic theory evaluation.
the system goes like this at my place.
ya gotta attend the 2 mandatory lessons,
take the evaluation,
pass the eval,
BEFORE ya can apply fer the test.
the last 3 times i failed by one question.
this time aft studyin a hell lot more.
i only got 1 question wrong.
KEKE!
ogay.
the proper test is on the 29 at 9 in the mornin where im havin an off day.
i intend to mug like hell.
those pple who've passed and possess a lil book called "250 questions to passin basic theory"
or sum kinda tad name,
pls lend mi.
i really REALLY wish to make it so if n should i go out aft tad,
i'll have a smile on my face cuz i have tis lil document termed "PDL"
in my wallet.
which will allow me to go to the practical sessions which i swear by hook or by crook i shall fly my way thru cuz they're too dammed expensive.
i intend to get my stupid license asap!!!!

wogay.
im gettin mass nudged so i cant really do anithin.
cuz the com goes *brrrrrr* about every 20 seconds.
stupid clowns.
niwaez.

LOOKIN FER STUDENTS IN PRI N SEC FER MYSELF.
BASICALLY ENG MATH SCI FER PRI,
ENG N SCI FER SEC.
RATES DUN MATTER,
JUZ GET IN TOUCH WIT ME.
ASK YA AUNTIES FER YA COUSINS.
YA GET THE PICTURE.

ALSO,
FER JC,
PHY N MATH STUDENTS.
NO I SURE AS HELL AINT TEACHIN.
IM HELPIN MY TEACHERS LOOK FER STUDENTS.
PHY-GAY DEAN'S LIST OVER ACHIEVER,
MATH-PROB THE MUZ PATIENT N EFFECTIVE DUDE EVER.

MSG ME!!!!PLEASE.
:))

testimonial,perhaps love,highway code 101.

hmmm.
fer sum unGodly reason,
our testimonial match begun at 9 today.
which is weird fer the reason tad ITS BLOOOOOOOOOODY EARLY.
niwaez.
me bein teh bagus player tad i am,
decided to go early to do strokes first to make sure i dun foul up during the game.

(sidenote:reason why i've n i'll be usin bagus really really frequently now is cuz it bodes well should a customer say it.reason?cuz he/she's from indo,carries a huge wad of cash n goes arnd bagus-ing a coupla times n i can sell bout 700 bucks wortha leather shat.keke.so to bring in the routine,i shall use the word more.:))

back to main story,
so yup,
i went there really early,
woke my ass up bout 6:30,
showered,made breakfast den i left the house wit my mummy drearily openin her eyes n like "where you goin?eat alr?drink alr?"
to which i answered 'HOCKEY,yes,yes."
den yup,
walked my sleepin ass n legs outta the house up teh hill to the bus stop,
next
fell asleep on the bus,
went about 2 stops too far,
but thank God it was still on 199's route.
got off really quickly laffin at myself,
crossed the road n waited fer 199.
den happily d comes along n msges me wen he's supposed to be like 10 mins away "wad bus do i take from boon lay???" all innocently.
den i was like close to cursing the sky blue.
but niwaez,
i went there,
sat there to take my time to wake up,
went to the toilet to change,shat,eat,
den did 2 laps to warmup,
stretched,
hit a whole loada balls,
freaked out at my loss of form,
started doin strokes for real,makin sure i actually hit sumthin.
den d announces his arrival by laffin at me wen i take a huge swing n miss.:@
ass.
den next thing,
wen he gets ready,
i get my own back by laffin incredibly loud cuz his swing's bigger den mine.
and he misses too.
lawls.
den we juz started laffin stupidly at each others misses.
totally no form at all.
den we juz kep hittin n hittin n stoppin n stoppin,
den aft tad,
ben yang n who i mistook fer veron comes up.
den wen she comes closer den i see its qq.
:)
thanks fer comin to the match.:)
fer sum reason,
she felt like comin to ntu to watch me play a match n 9 oclock at about 830,
which is btw as west as one can get from any point in singapore wen she stays in thompson.
so niwae,
passed her breakfast,
n den headed back out to the pitch to laf at the irony of us being so hardworkin but yet so lousy.
from star striker n star defender to nuttin in 6 months.
man.
den yup,
the rest arrived in due time n the game started.
me n d were prob a lil shaky by our loss of touch but didnt really care,
we were here fer fun niwaez.:)
niweaz,
shall not bore everyone wit the intricate lil details,
but yup.
i scored 2 goals,
both were pressin the offense n capitalising on mistakes made,
and i should've had one more but it came off the post n adi swept home the rebound.
so yup.
total score is 3-1 wit arshad bringin in the consolation fer the j1s.
i expected a better fite honestly.
i guess the loss of shunting's really affectin em.
hope they pick emselves up in time fer season.
if not it'll be a terrible waste.
oh wells.

next,
i left pretty quickly aft the match to go watch a movie.
basically we juz wanted to go a place where i could rest my ass witout so many eyes on us,
so we went n caught whichever movie was showin the soonest.
den yup.
had a pretty sweet movie i guess.
the show sucked but yea.
the company was fine.:)

den yea,
time to hit the books.
highway code 101.
:@:@:@:@:@@:@:@:@:@:@:@@:
i swear if i fail one more bloody time imma punch thru the touchscreen.
i studied n i failed.
by 1 more question.
in case ya'll dunno,
it happened the same time the PAST 2 TIMES.
always by one question.
if it was back in like olden days,
its 50 questions,
max of 5 wrong,
now its 70 ques,
max of 7 wrong.
i got 6,6 and 8 respectively.
:@:@:@:@@:@:@:@:@:@@:@:
pissed does not even begin to describe my angst.
:@:@:@:@
niwaez.
i tink imma go rush do it tml.
shall go book lesson now.

lalalalalalala.
okie dokie.
im done.
:)

tis is a rushed entry.

hmm.
the pics are up,
gif ya'll the l;ink later.
i sold 2.5k worth of stuff today.
thus,
my my skills in sales si teh l337
hi to fysh.stellz n eve who came to vist.
tata.
mummy naggin plus i needta take a shat.
g-i'll do it next time round.:))

1st day gone.

hmm.
to sum it up,
today sucked.
ya ever make a decision you know its rite n still regret it?
hmm.
suffice to say,
it was a catonic day.

lets gif ya a run down of my achievements in sales.
1st day of work,
1.2 k
2nd,1.4,
3rd,800,
4th,600<-4 hours only pls)
5th,2.2k,
today,1.6 k.
witout my voice as well.
i figure its pretty good fer a dude who lost his voice.
hmmm.

qi's uploadin the prom pics fer me so i guess i'll have the link ready soon.

wad else.

this line kept echoin itself in my head thruout the whole bloody day as i stared out the shop window.
it comes fer a really underated song.
sisqo's incomplete.

"cuz you witout you gal,my life is incomplete"
more or less sums up everythin i feel today.
oh wellz.
shall go off.
mummy needsta talk to daddy.
later i guess.

juz watched chicken little.
waste of time.
:@


----------------------------------------------------------
was tinkin during the day while blinkin away my uncomfortable contacts,
i tink i figured out one of the quitessential parodoxes tad make up ben.
how can an insecure guy like me appear so cocksure/arrogant/wadever ya wanna call it.

im insecure of the way i look,
im fat,
not really cute,
not really good lookin,
quite short,
a lil stumpy.

but im extremely confident in my abilities fer i feel tad wit God on my side,
n if it be His will,
there be NO way in hell i will fail.
so yup.
:))
finally figured a lil of me out.
pretty pleased wit myself.
woke up wit the stupid hollow feelin within.
pissed the hella outta me i tell you.

oh wellz.
tml's my basic theory eval.
i better pass.
darnit.
its the 1st time i studied fer it.
if i dun make it i'll like punch the monitor thru.
grrrrr.
not in frenly mood now pls.
be wary the grumpy angsty bear.
all hail big ben bear.
kekekeke.
now everyone swears at me.
k.i shall juz shut up now n like read blogs.
bye.
shall wake up early tml to go doctor<$$$$$ flyin away.:(>,den study fer test AGAIN,den go take test,
come back shower n head down to work.
its beyond me why im witout my voice n still the top sales person in my job.
as i said.
confidence in my ability.
cuz i feel God-empowered.
tink bout it.
you'll realise its thru.
im supremely confident went it comes to doin shat but awfully insecure wen it comes to pple's impressions.
make sense dun it.
*shrugs*
studyin time.

christmas list

1)a new computer
2)a psp
3)new phone(nokia 6111 or 6170)
4)for my job to allow me to earn commission
5)sponsership fer my driving lesson
6)wrist bling
7)a good christmas
8)an invite to braun buffel's d&d
9)a lil experience wit God fer xmas
10)more money,more time wit sum1 :)

hmmm.
wogay.
i've got expensive taste.
so bite me.

hmmm.
i swear.
howard's really juz abit of a cutie face n true heart.
i mean.
the way he's hostin gotcha...
im like.
okiez.
not tad cheryl tay's ani better la.
but since pple like fysh watch gotcha cuza cheryl tay,
i guess there'll be pple like jam tad'll watch gotcha cuza howard.
lolololololol.

hmmm.
im bored shatless.
i wanna go back to work.
:@
i wanna go drive.
oh yea.
shat.
shall go bbdc webbie now.
tata.

prom-aft prom-withdrawal symptoms.

hmmm.
aight.
shall talk bout prom.
basically.
not much to say in terms of the flow of events which was messed up n had mr kwek tryin to blow out his birthday candles like 3-5 times.
i cant remember but yea.
and he hadta take 2 breaths.
hmm.
muzly i juz took a whole shatload of pics.
of which....
PPLE IF YOU READ THIS,PLS SEND IT TO MY EMAIL???
d12_iceburnz@yahoo.com.sg

wad else.
the aft prom party.
:)
basically tad was the main event of the whole day la.
i tot it was really funny the way the emcee fer the prom was like "lets head to the dance floor guys!!!we're gonna dance the nite away!!"
and den everyone who was goin to gotham basically juz flowed outta the door n started movin tad way.:)
the dance floor was a lil cramp.
im guessin basically the dance floor should've encompassed the stage area.
niwae.
there was a gay amount of guys like goin on the stage fer dunno wad reason.
no gals to dance wit,
basically,
they go up n shuffle arnd.
and here i tot those podiums were like fer gals to like go dance n like set the nite afire.
but oh wells.
it was fun seein pj pple hang lose once ina while.
muzly danced wit guys n like did really stupid things n had fun laffin at ourselves n all.
hmm.
dance wit a coupla gals too but only fer a short while cuz i aint a podium person.
lol.
hurrhurr.
got threw onstage twice,
got invited thrice by the gals..
never danced more den one song cuz im dam shy.
hurrhurrrr.:))
hmmm.
wad else.
nothin much.
came home,
made supper,
slept at 530,
woke at 730.
took a pseudo nap at bout 12-2,
den yea.
here i am.
kinda lost my voice.
hmmm.

are things tad are too good to be true definitely too good to be true?
i dunno.
i guess despite all,
im still pretty idealistically quitoxic.
shrugs.
oh wellz.
i'm still sufferin from a sore throat.
hurrhurr.
a salesman aint shat witout his voice im guessin.
lol.
:))
i shall go suck sum sweets.
im goin off now.
shall go either play game or i dunno.
read.
rant.
play guit?
bleahz.
dun really know.
feel quite unpleasant and im guessin its either withdrawal symptoms,hangover,lack of sleep,or sumthin else entirely.
shrugs.
dunno.
cant care.
lalalalalalalala.
bye.

nobody wants to be lonely.

dere's not one person who wants to be lonely,
there's not one person who doesnt want love,
tho outside you mite deny it,
deep inside you wan sum1 to treat you like you deserve.

facade piled upon facade,
jadedness pushes the extremes,
pple begin to lose emselves,
den tryta refind the person within.

bein true to oneself,
sounds easier den it seems,
wen all arnd in the world,
everythin presses you in.


lalalala.
juz a few things i was tinkin wen i woke up.
i wrote a new song!!!:)
plus the chords sound pretty decent.
havent made much special one but this one has a solid feel.

hmmm.
niwaez.
waitin fer my mummy to come back so i can go shower n get ready to go down.
i wanna take pics.
hurrhurr.
bored pls.
i wanna drink at least 8 shots today.
preferably ten.:)
hopin josh n dud can make it.
if not i'll be be hangin arnd n relaxiin.
hohoho.:))

i shall go play gaiden x now.

*advertiser voice*
but that's not all folks!!!
tis is where i'll be at later!
will you????

RENDEZVOUS @ GOTHAM!!!
10-5,
15 PER TIX INCLUSIVE OF 1 DRINK
R&B N TOP 40s ALL NITE LONG...ALL NITE ALL NITE..ALL NITE LONG...
1 FER 1 FER EVERYTHIN,
I.E,1 SHOT EQUALS TO BOUT $2.50.
WHICH IS DEH SHAT.
BE THEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE.
AND SCREW INDO CUZ I WUNT BE THERE.:)

grrr.money flies away.:@:@:@:@:@:@

i bought my belt..
YAY.;)
$84.15.
stupid piece of shat better last me a coupla yrs.

tml's prom!!!:)
n den its the aft prom party.:)
good tidings.
but im broke till i can claim the moolah from my mummy before i got down.
hurrhurrr.:)

lalalala.
i dunno why but im pretty hyped up fer prom.
but not so much so prom i guess but the aft prom gig.
im hopin things turn out well if not imma really like get quick angsty.
:@

time flies,
pple change,
no 2 leaves fall,
quite the same.

logic n reason,
loses its place,
where's the sense of it,
anyway.

its prom tml,
barely 16 hrs away,
i half care,
and the other 1/2's sleepin away,

i wanna dance,
but the place hasta be hyped,
if not,
it'll be like it died.

im tryin to appeal,
to the poet in me,
but obviously it aint workin,
so stop now,will me.

lalalalalaa.
bored.
quite not botherin bout EVERYTHIN.
lollollol.
im juz livin today fer today.
i needta bring my bible to work to read wen there arent no customers.
yay.:)

baskin in the glow.

hmmm.
i bought my prom shirt!!:)


its the red version of it.
dun ask me why i cant find it but yea.
the stupid sotre juz put this color on.

hmmm.
i tried searchin fer the belt i wanted to buy from braun,
but failed to find it.
grrr.
highly annoyin.
hmmm.

the past few days have been really enjoyable.
laissez le bon roulement de périodes
i.e,let the good times roll.
heh.
i juz want it to go downd fer the record tad yes.
walks down the beach are highly romantic.
exp if you get a good breeze.
if its hot you can go clap hand,
if its rainin you can go clap hand.
if the weather's blessed n breezy,
its an awesome feelin.:)

wad else.
hmmm.
nuttin much.
i got pwned by fysh today tho.
my fren was tryin on an outfit rite,
den we were like snorin outside the changin room.
den i bought my shirt alr,
den i was like half stoned so i left my shirt wit fysh's bag on the floor.
den aft tad wen she came out.
i happily walked off witout my bag.
den fysh tad lil clown happily took it n shoved it in his bag.
den i went down the escalator,
den i realised i forgot my bag.
den i ran up,
and ran to where i saw it last.
den i was like "SHAT"
wen i didnt see it there.
suffice to say i was majorly worried till tad lil clown turned it over.
grrr.
ass.

hmmm.
im kinda in this sated state now.
things are goin pretty smoothly,
i've more or less gotten permission to go fer gotham on prom nite,
things are lookin up fer once.
and yea.
tho the weight of certain things still rest pretty heavily on my shoulders,
im still surviing pretty well i guess.
a major part of it hasta do wit sum1,
yea.
go figure.

JAMIE PHOON WEEEEEEE PENG
stop being so hyper.hahaha.
ask ya bf come gotham la.
his prom next day rite?
or is he j1?
you went the angela way rite?
the paedo way.
so he j1 or 2.
dunno.:) kekeke
ask him come la.
den can intro.
lkekekeke:)

shrugs

i wrote a dam long entry.
its in my draft.
i felt like shat,
read it n felt even worse.

i have a dull ache in my heart cuza fear of a decision i hafta make.
n the fear of losin tad sum1 special.
but since it has more or less been settled.
i shall not bother bloggin it anymore.
i juz had a really bad heartache wen i tot was goin to lose this person.

oh wellz.
shall blog bout more interestin things now since tad heartbreak thing no longer is of importance to your knowledge.
i shall read it in my saved drafts.:)

k.
wad happened today besides tad.
it was a pretty good day i guess.
i met her,played pool n chilled n all.
but i shant go there cuz i talked bout it in the draft.

now.
aft tad i went wit my sista to her aerobics/dance/fightin thing.
to sum up my rewards,
i haf a ankle cramp,a calf cramp AND A BUTT CRAMP.
ankle was pretty early but cuz my ankles are like designed to take punishment it didnt really matter.
:)
1st up was dance.
quite funky,
not really tiring.
alot of grindin n thank God i wore underwear today lest my ahem wobbled n came loose.
all the hip motion i tell you,
den still gotta jerk one.
so like the gals do DAM easy.
buys do got momentum so gotta take it easy.
if not sumthin mite spoil.
heh.
den not much problem,juz the ankle abit pain.
den came the killer.

sum fightin aerobics thing.
you gotta keep ya arms up n clenched to protect ya face n all rite?
juz maybe my there got no more muscles.
so they were really wobbly n couldnt take it.
den hadta keep bouncin to keep the rhythm up.
den die.
halfway thru,
the 1st song only.
my calf macham cramp.
cuz i got a dam lazy left leg so my rite leg was workin overtime,
so like yea.
cramp.
den dam unglam.
den at that exact moment,
the instructer goes "now we kick"
den i was like "shat"
den my kicks were dam unglam la.
like a duck waddlin n doin kungfu tad kinda kick cuz the muscle dam tight.
den even worse.
my left leg's like dead,
so it doesnt acknowledge tad its supposed to kick at any point in time.
so basically,
the instructor's like "now we switchover,left kick,5,6,7,8"
everyone kicks left n i kick rite.
-_-'''
den it keeps on GOIN on n ON!!!!
dam irritatin.
and den the grandmaster of cramps happened.
we were doin this punch-duck-punch combo n you hafta go really low,
den we did it so many times,
den my butt cramped.
den my kicks became really quite small motions n all.
den aft the music stopped,
i bent down to catch my breath.
bad mistake.
lagi cramp.
den kena owned.
i fell on my ass.
really quite abit the unglam.
im really dam outta shape now.
grrr.
wad else.
oh yes!
the whole place was like a stage tad like EVERYONE can see la.
so like the pple in the cafe were prob laffin their asses off at us tryin to kep fit.
so horrible ungalm.
tsktsktsktskt.
ahahah.
but it was a good workout.
den i came home to eat maggi mee n nullified everythin.
lol.
oh wellz.
cant haf everythin in life.
:)

im happy one again cuz a certain sum1's talkin to me again.
:)

its over.now the angst begins?

you know.
today defines the day of mixed emotions.
so here i am,
happily finishin up my last paper of the messed up As,
and the 1st thing i hear is my mummy callin me,
askin me how the paper went,
and then askin me to go home n pack up my room to prepare fer visitors.
tad despite me tellin her before i took the paper tad im goin to fysh's house to play wow.
never mind.
den my class won a kfc voucher.
so they wanted to go enjoy,
so i turned em down cuz i figured my mummy needed help n its the right thing to do.
so i rush home n sort out all my stuff so wen she comes back everythin can be done really quickly.
im done within 15 mins.
she called mi at 340 tellin me she was juz buyin boxes n she'll be back.
i reach home at 350.
i wait till bloody 650 till she comes home,
seethin away gettin more pissed.
in the 3 hours i could've wowed,taken kfc.
never mind.
knowin full well my intentions,
she happily keeps draggin time n draggin time.
so i choose to believe tad she forgot.
so i juz ask her if she needs my help anymoer.
if not i shall go.
and she has the bloogy angst to come scream n throw temper at me aft?
i mean like wtf.
i do all you ask me to.
aft tad i go find sumthin tad i wanan do n i get yelled at cuza it?
its not fiar ainit.

not to mention.
they keep promisin me a computer.
this saga has been told thru my sec school yrs all the way up till now.
every single time they get my hopes up n then say "next yr,study's more impt"
every yr i take the fall as it comes n dun say anithin.
well well.
surprise again.
tis yr it happens again?
the much vaunted "aft A's" time comes n hey!its not comin.
so wen you cant gimme a com,
i wanan go find means to play my game,
basically,
i do not see wad rite do you hafta be angst at me cuz basically you're juz angry tad im searchin fer things i want which i tink is absolutely ridiculous.

den my father.
domineerin sob happily asks me every single day wen i'll be lookin fer a job.
i mean fer pete's sake la.
my job has absolutely NOTHING to do with you so stfu.
ok?

sorry fer the explicit language but i hate crushed hopes.
muz of the time aft 7 yrs of failed hopes wrt to the com you'll tink i'll be jaded to it but it was really high tis time cuz there was "no other studies" behind tis.
and wen i fall i dun take it very well.
so everyone juz step the hell back n let me vent my angst if not i wunt be the nice guy i usually am.

the reason why my mummy's gettin so flustered bout the house bein spick n span's cuza sum cell group pple comin over on like the 10th of the next month.
n the point i cant understand is why its almuz a whole bloody month away n you're freakin out now.
you cant exterminate dust.
it gathers.
you'er much better off cleanin it closer to tyhe date rite?
makes more sense.
closer to the date,
less time to mess the house up,less time for dust to gather.
its sensible thing to do.
im willin to bet my left testicle tad imma hafta help her clean up the whole dam house again before the time comes.
and it hasta be spotless.
i know her standards.

anyway,
the crux of the matter is tad she hasta set a good impression fer those pple comin over.
which is totally ridiculous to me cuz it feels so fake.
im sicka hypocrites aight.
and now we hafta be ones too?
i've lived my entire life despisin em n now i bow to the pressure of the bloody world?
pple who know me know i tell it as wad i feel it is.
i dun hedge my words i cut to the crux of the issue.
i dun see why the hell i hafta neaten up the place to tad extent.
if sum was comin over,
TIDYIN up the place is understood.
aft all
its parta bein a good host.
but basically cleanin the whole dam palce up till even the walls are clean is excessive.
but tad's not wad im tryin to get at.

i dun see who the hell tis pple are to judge.
basically,
it means everyone of you lil assclowns out there who keep slef invitin yaself into other pple's sanctus sanctorum.
basically put,houses.
the reason you wanna go into the hosue is yo wanan see how the person lives n all.
but WHO THE HELL DIED N MADE YOU GOD TO GO JUDGE PPLE BY WHETHER THEY"RE NEAT OR NOT.
take tad idea n the horse you rode in on n shove it up ya ass.
its utter bullshat.
you're tellin me yuo've never left the newspaper in the toilet aft your mornin posturin on the throne?
never forgot to flush the toilet cuz its late at nite?
never forgot to fold ya towel on the rack nicely before leavin?
never forgot to arrange ya books neatly?
never left thigns lyin arnd?
WHO THE HELL gifs you the right to judge pple by the way they present emselves wen you yaself have your own flaws.
you're like a friggin pseudo perfectionist tad only feels perfect from laffin at other's fualts.
which to me makes you a bloody loer n a fraud.
basically put.
you suck n the world'll be a better palce witout pple of your trivial existence pollutin tis ecosphere.
so bsically,
everyone should juz come to terms wit emselves so pple like my mummy can sit back n relax n ENJOY bein a host insteada worryin bout wad alla you lil pricks tink.

*takes deep breath*
im done.
paper was pretty decent.
hopefully my grades are good nuf to get into uni.
anyone wit a goof job offer pls msg me?
im available till april.
im goin job huntin tml so yea.
pls holla asap aight?
good stuff.
im gone to see if wow has rebooted its server yet.:)

i hate exams.

hmmm.
things change really quickly wen you wanna take charge of ya life.
i often wonder if i had started studyin barely a coupla months earlier if things'll be so much better now.
i had a potential of about TWO whole bloody grades tad i could've gotten if i had juz had more experience,
but cuz i didnt,
i was unable to produce in the exam hall.
sigh.
ridiculous.
but its over its over.
i figure i'll be in good shape next yr if i keep it up.
to retake this stupid thing i guess.
sighz.
i hate myself at times like this.
ridiculous i say.
oh wellz.
shall not mopeth much longer.
shall return to the world of muggin dammit.
blah blah blah blah.
im rambling.
so be it.
hahahaha
i wanna watch HARRY!!!!!!
i got e funniest group ever to go watch it wit tho.
hahahah.
watchin it wit the whole group of students from my math tuition.
hahaha.
weird.
dam.
im really rambling like shat.
disjointed tots.
hahaha.
cant even rem wad i wanted to start sayin.
hahaha.
i shall blog again wen im more coherent.

hahahaah.:)
i wanna wow.

things you never tink will happen.

today was glorious math.
and thank God,
it was doable.
i haf a total of 24 marks worth of questions tad i didnt present an answer for.
but chances are,
of tad 24 marks,
i would get about maybe 5 or 6 due to workin cuz i juz found out tad i was along the rite track fer my vectors question but i gaf it up cuz i didnt tink it was plausible.
basically,
the key to the part 2 of tad questions was tad there were 3 variables.
which i had.
now how angsty am i gonna get?
none.
hahahaha.
why?
cuz im tired.
so yea.
i gotta continue burnin fer the next 48 hours flat till aft math paper 2 den i can go sleep.

so pray fer mi?
its gonna be a hard 48 hours.
imma be chuggin down tea,coffee n chicken essence.
i ish i had a camera to take my eyebags with.
i tink they're really impressive.:)
like WHOA kinda impressive.:)

i kinda haf tis fatalistic mentality goin on in my head now.
hmmm.
i really miss a certain person.
its really funny how barely a month later aft you make a decision,
wen the repercussions n the real impact of tad choice hits you,
wen everythin fades away,
you kinda feel morsels of regret.
its seems so highly ironic.
i really tink my latest lyrics are so dam true.
we're all victims of our destiny.
bound by the things we hafta do,
bound by the so called "rite ways of goin about life"
can a man change his fortune?
can i man actually change God's plan for him?
if our lives are actually all planned out alr,
den its unfathomable tad our dear God above actually planned an existence fer us in which tad we suffer so much.
lessons wen learnt should lift us to a state in which we should become happier.
but yet?
lessons pile upon lessons.
if the statement tad the learnin never ends,
does tad not mean we're bound to live life in misery ferever?
tad's really such a bitch ainit.

the new situation now tad my muggin has slowed down and i finally realised it sucks.
things changed so much.
barely a coupla weeks.
n everythin's changed.
part of me's happy tad she listened and moved on.
part of me bemoans my decision despite its "righteousness"
maybe its time fer me to move on as well.
maybe its juz cuz im feelin so tired n weak now.
maybe its juz she's had the time to go out n socialise more which is why she can find another so quick n leave everythin behind..
maybe it'll be the same fer me once the bloody papers are over.

so many damned maybes.
probabilities.
inconsequential.
meaningless.
everythin's meaningless.
rite now.
everyone n everyting should juz return to ashes.

"from ashes i come,ashes i will return"

tad is like so a misquote,
but like it gets my point across.
im gone.
time to go back to meaningless toil.
i really cant figure how's all this bullshat gonna help mi in my teachin of english next time.
sheesh.

you wonder.

in my boredom,
i wrote tis lil ditty.

v1:
we are all victims of our own destiny,
am i e only one,who sees the irony,
battered in by the things we're supposed to do,
tired of hearin "do e rite thing,it'll all come to you"

Chorus:
cuz we're all victims of our destiny,
if you were tinkin,you'll agree wit me,
pple cryin out fer strength.
where's the hope to ease my pain,
where's the light to turn this hellish darkness to day.

v2:
where's the hope of this meaningless night,
where's e stars tad make the night sky bright,
future's loomin and it doesnt seem too bright,
time's not waitin should i gif u or should i fight.

bridge:
so God above,
i'm cryin out,
show m e way,
to survive is rout,
take away,
my load today,
let me not fall,
in tis forsaken place.


its such a sad thing.
tad like despite all,
we're still stuck in the system tad threatens to bind us forever.
individualism is lost.
is anyone so diff from the next.
e defination of a singaporean teen.
"some one who goes to school n is constant struggle to be the best wit a thirst tad never seems to be quenched even at the cost of losin their souls"
look arnd you.
EVERY single teen is either in poly or jc.
everyone is either a mugger,or tryin to be one.
everyone strives to be the best.
and why not?
after all,
its their life to lead.
in tad sense,
look at the new rankin fer unis.
our beloved n cherished NUS,stands at a proud 8 or 9 compared internationally.
but yet in the workin world,
in a report taken,
NUS grads are not tad favored by employers.
they rank at about 30-40.
cant remember the exact thing.
juz seems pathetic tad despite havin the top uni,
we're basically churnin out robots.
mindless automatons tad go into the world to continue the grind against its system but a slave to it cuza the quintessential element called : money.
pathetic wad it has made us do to ourselves.
but unavoidable i guess.

i was readin a coupla y archives entries.
not the ones here.
as in the old blog.
speakin of which,
i should link back there.
hmm.
but yea.
the tone's so different.
lil things tad made me smile to joyously now seem so plain n unme.
its weird n yet it realyl saddenin.
but oh wellz.
the world continues spinnin.
whether i like it or not,
basically,
i shall still be driven on aimlessly cuz tad is life of a singaporean teen.
only the government can stop tis mindless push,
but den again,
how do you stop the momentum built up fer 3 generations of pple believin in this mindset.
you cant.
you hear em screamin out fer tinkin pple.
den you see gahmen takin steps to promote "active tinkin"
but how can there be active tinkin wen everyone's mind's basically a cloned copy of the others'?
ridiculous aint it?

shrugs.
shall not whine no more.
2 weeks.
it'll all be over.
fer better or worse.
im determined to let it get me down.
i gif it all i got.
if it aint nuf,
den too bad,
imma hafta find my way in the world myself.
n so be it.
niwaez.
level 22 shammy.
lololol.
but yet even tad's startin to pale fer me.
sheesh.


-----------------------
oh yea.
gotta advertise.

RENDEVOUS @ GOTHAM PENTHOUSE
5TH DECEMBER
10-5 a.m,
$15 bux a tick,
1 free shot per tick
hip hop,top 40s all nite long,
1 FOR 1 ALL NITE LONG.
shots at $5
you get to reserve tables too.
either tag me,
msg mi or tis number fer tix.
90170656

if you were pjc show a face,
its the 1st party,
if you were from mshs,
show a face,
its our very own sky's organisin,
if you're in pjc now,
show a face,
lets start havin stuff to be proud off,
if you're basically free on tad day,
show a face,
it'll be fun to see prom outfits n clubfits on the dance floor toget.