hope n hurt

hmm.
this is gonna be one of those long emo posts.
so yea.
if you aint in da mood dun bother.:P


life really is such a cruel lil bit of humanhood aint it.
without hope,
one hardly finds joy in living.
wakin up is a chore,
goin thru your daily motions is a chore.
you have nothing to look forward to.
on the other hand,
wit hope,
comes this word and event in life tad happens all too often:
disappointment.

disappointment.
dictionary defined:to fail to meet the hope of.
ben defined:being let down wen you truly believe.

i dunno why is it this way,
but pple i care for,
im totally impervious to their faults,
i turn a blind eye.
to me,
even if they fault,
its a slip up.
nothing more,
nothing less.
and went they look apologetically at me,
the wrong is gone,
and i truly believe they wunt ever do it again.
but sumtimes these things turn arnd n bite you in the ass.
and tads wen disppointment comes about.
wen i fall,
i fall hard i guess.

it takes really REALLY alot of fallin n hurtin before i learn my lesson i guess.
and much of it i always end up askin myself is it worth it.
the way i feel now is not strangly unfamiliar.
its happened once before.
and juz as strongly as i tot i would be crushed then,
i feel the same.
but yet im still here.
and that thought should comfort me shouldnt it?
or not.

where is the point where enough is enough.
where you call it quits for yourself.
i truly know not.
cuz i truly believe in the pple i care for,
much like each n every parent would their child.
i dunno.
maybe cuz i was brought up in an environment where i learnt the true meanin of love from mummy.
and this kinda love has no place in the world except in a family.

i rememeber sumthin jie told me wen she sat down wit me sumtime ago.
hmm.
quite a while ago.:D
since she went away fer quite abit.
she was tellin me about her n zn and how i was wit qi.
and she told me as much as herself.

maybe we juz love too much.
and thus hurt too much.

and wen it comes down to it.
maybe tad is the clue and answer to all my troubles.

ne-yo has this song.
so sick?

i love this song.
its sooooo bitter,
but yet it has such painfully close emotions.
i dunno.
i juz connect wit sad emotional r&b songs.
pfft.
maybe its the sadist within.

so sick of love song,
so tired of tears,
so done wit wishin,
tad you were still here,
said im so sick of love songs,
so sad n stoned,
......

apt.
i guess.
in life certain lessons hafta be learnt the hard way.

it was a certain incident a coupla days back tad made me sign my 1st 2 extras in ns.
a certainn call tad left me annoyed before i went to bed,
woke up late,
went into work late,
got screwed n basically didnt care n numbed myself to it all,
and yea,generally thought it was goin to be "one of those days"
den got caught playin risk on the computer n signed 2 extras fer it.
ridiculous rite.
and now i wunt be home fer the whole cny hols.
go figure i guess.

/wrists

my sir was talkin to me whilst giving me those extras.
he was sayin"you had better be more positive,you'll never surivie ns witout apositive attitude.
if you dun find sumthin to spark your life you'll end up destroyin yourself"
and i tink its relly thru.
later that day,
recieved a mail from a fren who had no clue of wad happened,
but yet the mail said more of less the exact same thing.
and i was like"word from God,time to take heed ben"
and i tried it,
wakin up early,
reporting to work early everyday,
and yea,
it works,i dun get into ANY trouble anymore,
but tho im safe in my work environment now,
wad of myself.
im still absurdly adject n seperated from my surroundings.
i dun really relate to em anymore.
im like a zombie walkin arnd fer all the emotion i feel.

i doubt its really healthy?
sooner of later its gonna come out i juz hope it comes out smoothly n n gut wrenchingly.

life's a bitch,
cuts like a stitch,
dun moan n bitch,
you're the only one tad can do sumthin about it.

sinseh words from ben.:P

sighz
i dun even know wd i wanna say.
impassive is my middle name now.
juz watchin lief pas me by i guess.
meanwhile watchin out fer my driving tests dates.
time to pass n do it well.
i wanan drive by my birthday.