time of the year

its that time of the year again,
where i get really emo and melacholy,
and ask myself what im really searching for.

and today i found myself lookin at things from a whole different angle.

i call it the "curse of a family oriented upbringing"

you know we always hear the saying "live a meaningful life"

i believe there's a sayin that goes sumthin along the lines of
"life is not measured by the number of steps you take, but by the footprints you've left behind."

i happen to think that's really true,
cuz i find this whole race quite mindless and meaningless.

and cause im really quite practical,
i know for a fact that there's no way in hell you gonna leave positive footprints in everyone's life,
and thus,

i choose which pple to make and effort for,
and the rest can go suck wind.

sometimes i really wonder what all this rush is for.
as in the rush im in.
the schoolwork and striving to get As (for once in my life i actually care about my grades.o.0),
the working work(pushing sales and justifying my salary and hopin to prove worthy of the path that my boss is already planning for me),my rship(hopin that everything works out),

what is all this rush about.
and then i realise that its down to upbringing.

my upbringing tells me that there is only 1 thing in the world that matters.

and that is family.

you can go thru life a millionaire,and die a pauper in terms of emotional fulfilment.
and when the time comes,i'll probably ask you, so do you think you've done well with your life.
do you think you've lived a meaningful life.

the answer would probably be "yea man,i made loadsa dough"

but if the end consequence that we all arrive at inevitably is that of death,

everything is meaningless eh?

so would you rather die knowing that you made loadsa cash which is all irrelevant now that you're on your deathbed and your ferrari's gonna be given to the nephew who you think is an arrogant prick?

or would you rather die knowing that you've made someone's life really really good.

i picked the 2nd.

personal choice or juz a matter of upbringing?

i doubt i'll ever know.

all i know is that it makes sense to me.

in any case,

everything strings back to this.

why am i studying so hard for..

the reason is simple,
so that i can get a good job, that pays well, that i can buy my house, and create a family of my own, and make them happy.

why am i working so hard for..
to buy my house, to create a family of my own, and to make them happy.

why am i working so hard in this rship..
to create a family of my own, and to make them happy.

gettin the picture now?

so yea,
there goes the logic part out into the open.


but....


sometimes its just so hard.

my girl told me sumthin which i found especially true.
it went sumthin along the lines of,
no matter what you do for anyone,even though you mite not EXPECT anything in return,there is there latent expectation of sumthing in return.

and yea i guess that is true.
everyone wants to feel appreciated i guess.

lets juz give a few day to day examples.

if you msg me, you'll prob expect a reply back rite?

if you're pissed with the world and you slap me and i turn the other cheek, even though you mite slap the other cheek, most likely a few days down the road, i'll be expectin the apology for that very act.

latent expectation i guess.

and this leaves the point thinkin o whether its wrong to expect.

my love isnt just a word, its not an expression, its not an emotion.

its a living walking action that embodies the above and who i am, and the ideals i believe in.

and when you wish to show you care,
if there's a latent expectation within you expecting something in return,
is it wrong?or is it just human.
and if by the above,showing your care is wrong,
then...where is the love.


/shrugs.

really feeling dam shitty atm these few days.

summed up in a WoW expression,


at this moment,





i really, honestly,



can't, be, fucked, bothering.


/shrugs.