pondering

at times.
i truly wonder what's going on, and what exactly am i doing.
CAYSN cant seem you set in, and i find myself in a rather similiar situation.
i guess its juz a personal trait, which in certain situations, becomes more of a flaw den an asset.

are there mistakes tad you keep making,
and keep tellin yourself you'll learn,
and still keep making the same one?

maybe when im wiser i'll learn to distance myself.
or it might be a forlorn wish cuz hard lessons in this area dun seem to work with me.

it reaches a point where i start being cynical and pessimistic.

/shrugs.
who knows.

my angst space ftw.

time really flies.
in exactly 2 days to the day, 1 year ago,
i found myself in a situation not quite unlike wad im in at the moment.
feeling the same way and having made a decision as a result of an inability to deal with it within myself.

maybe its cuz my perception of what it is really distorted.
maybe im juz spoilt for it forever and evermore,
tad i'll never be satisfied with anithing less.
maybe im just a brat.
or maybe im being juz dam grumpy and unreasonable at the moment.
i guess part of it deals with my idealistic nature.

that i will not accpet defeat till i experience it myself.

i guess its niave in certain aspects,
that if i am a certain way,
it would be this certain way becuz tads wad's supposed to happen.

but then again,
in this sorta things,its the change and differences that keep it interestin isnt it?
there will never be a definite for this sorta thing.
but the changes are sumtimes hard to take i guess.
and try as i might, i cant maintain it 100% of the time too.
but is it too idealistic of me to wish for it to be as close to that as possible?
oe maybe its me.
maybe im askin for more.

or isit juz my perceptions that are warped.
that im expectin wad isnt attainable in reality.

am i juz another victim of books and tv shows where idealism is writ large and i cant seem to accept reality.

im feeling just so sian some times.
its like de javu all over again.
same old situation everytime damn time.
how did i end up like tad again.

you know,
sherlock once said,

when you've eliminated all the possibilities,only the obvious remains.

so when ive exhausted making unfounded and needless approximations,

the fact that remains is that there is only 1 constant in it all.
and that would be myself.

so if this be the case,

i really needta do some reflecting,

and do things differently.

















yea like this hasnt been said so many times before.


/sigh.



maybe im juz destined to lived this fucked up life this fucked up way till i can finally settle for less or begin to accept that these things in life will NEVER be constant.
or accept myself better.

maybe tad's wad mature means eh?
being at peace with yourself.

which would mean my baby's right.

my bros are really quite much more mature den i am.

i sure as hell aint at peace with myself.
i dun think i'll be till i've achieved certain things i've set out to do in life.


idealism sucks shit.
sometimes i wonder if im too fuckin easy.

_____________________________________________
sigh on a brighter note,

something tad should amuse you.
it made me smile on a shitty day a few days back.