afterthoughts.

tis been quite a while since i last sat down like this to juz reorder my thoughts.

and i guess its a lil overdue.

so much has happened in the past few months i guess its juz been a rush for me.

school starts in 2 weeks time and im faced with a step up or fuck off test of my ability to burn the candle at 3 ends to get everything i want in my idealistic nature.
something tells me i'll rather burn myself out before even admitting defeat in even 1 aspect, but i guess tads still to be said,despite all bravado, its gonna be fuckin hard and i juz hafta hunker down and find some hidden strength.2 years aint tad long isit?ns passed in the same amount of time.

fish steps onto tekong in 2 months time.and the shitty thing is that since he's gonna be confined for 14 days,tad means for the 1st time in about 5?6? years, i'll be celebrating my bdae without one of the closest persons in my life.a typical army term comes to mind and it screams."lan lan"

work's been bouncing along decently i guess.whilst i havent been really tested yet,im still learning the ropes and doing my best imitation of a wooden pole at all meetings,sucking in as much as possible.and listening to my big boss today, i juz have this to say.

studies is about dealing with numbers. real life business is about dealing with pple.

and hmm.
i dun know if you guys listen to radio in the mornings,
but i have this morning routine which is aft i log into my computer,i turn on my laptop to the radio.
and i cant remember if it was this morning or yest,
but they were asking if love was an investment.
and asking pple to comment on it.

now me being the boring old fart tad i am, listened and laffed at pples opinions,
cuz as usual,the ego within has the "PERFECT" answer.

and in my "humble" opinion,

any rship is an investment.

and investment of the things tad once given cannot be regained.

to wad things am i speaking about?

1stly:
the most vaulable commodity given to all men.everyone has an equal share,everyone cant change its flow and ebb. and its simply spelled, time. time with which you can be doing something else,time with thich you mite wanna invest elsewhere,but choose to invest in your only one.
2ndly:
emotions.i believe that everyone has this emo vessel within em.and yes while it refills and is technically never truly empty,i choose to believe tad everytime you're giving of yourself into a rship,its a unique part of yourself tad you can NEVER be able to replicate again.you'll always have some to give.this vessel should technically never be empty, but your willingness to dip into might be tested sometimes.and i believe its from here tad your commitment to the rship begins.and similarly(sp), this investment tad you make goes into tad persons emo vessel,which means in the ideal rship,you're constantly fillin each others cup.at least i think so.

/raise eyebrows.


okie i shall stop emoing and go play game for a while before i sleep.
its been a long long day.

random thoughts +_+

i was on my way back from tuition,
and a thought struck me while flipping thru the pages of debt of honor.

a really sensible person once told me,
"life is hard enuf as it is without being unhappy,
why bother about being unhappy about things you cant change,
i juz dismiss it"

now true as it may be,
i realise i do that a lot.
now part of me proclaims this as foolish,
whilst another part of me puts it down to the eternal albeit low profile optimist in me that its not always as it seems and there's a way to change it after all.

and its only a matter of how much you want it,
and not so much so of can it be done.

having spent the past 3-4 years of my life in the workin world,
i daresay ive seen a whole shitload of pple who would settle for less juz cuz the exact thing they want would require them to put in a whole lot more effort.

so hence its not so much so of "cannot"

but whether they wanted it or not.

i remember an incident in ns,
where a regular's ass was on the line.
since i was a few steps below him,
mine was as well,
but he didnt see to flurried,
he was like "CANNOT LA CANNOT LA"
but he didnt seem to be lookin for a way outta it.
i suggested a few unorthodox ways to get things done,
but he refused em outright.

now im a rather opinionated person,
and when i think im right,
i dun really care wtf you think,or wad you might think of it,
i would/wouldnt just do it.

so events turned well this time,
i eventually went behind and got it done with no lashbacks wadsoever from the ave that a sought,

and suffice to say his ass and mine were safe.

but once again,
brings me back to the point of whether you want it badly enuf or thought.

just my lil 2 cents today before i head off to chill.

1)everything is achieveable.its juz a matter of whether you want it badly enuf not.

2)it may require sacrifices for you to get exactly wad do you want.how to decide.

3)prioritise and see wad's impt to you. especially in the long run. you arent gonna think the way you do right now 5 years later.think 5 years later.

/shrugs.

oh wellz.
reading time.

all the more so true with you.

rofl.

Powered By Vibrating Toy


dam juz imagine its in US bucks.
Dam i pwn.

wonder if there's a million bucks per hour thing.
tad one really cock shrink.
lol.

TAKE THE QUIZ AND POST ON BLOG FOR COMPARISON PURPOSES.

for the record,
the average is 270 bucks per hour.
lollollool

for all guys.

personally,
i think only the first one works.
but oh well.
worth a 5 sec chuckle.=P

You Are a Banana

You are mellow, easy going, and a total softie on the inside. People find it really easy to get along with you. You suit most tastes. And while you're very sweet, you're not boring or ordinary. You have an attraction to the exotic, and you could show up anywhere... doing almost anything! You are spirited, energetic, and a total kick to be around. You're also quite funny. Your sense of humor is on the goofy side, and it fits you well.

What Type of Fruit Are You?

CAYSN

ive a new motto,
its called CAYSN.

only for the guys to know.
=D

niwae.

here's a quick reality check for everyone.

have you ever wanted to wanted somethin so bad you keep wishin it was true?
and you start thinking a whole shitload about it?


relax,
you're fine, we all do that.

buttttt.............

when you start believing all the shit you've been THINKIN is true,
tads when you're fucked.
=D

okie done with my 2 cents of the day.
fuckin bus driver pissed me off 7 ways to hell and beyond.

ringing in my head.

there's a song ringin in my head.

its by babyface.

its called 2 occasions.

=)





and its sooo soooo soooooo true.


ggnated.

in a strange reversal of roles.

i was talkin to an old friend a while back.
strangly enuf,
the topic drifted back to our respective partners.
/roll eyes.guys ftw.
i swear every occasion would be a booze + girls conversation

and this lil thing came out by accident,

the word : heartstrings.

you know,
all my life,
i admired pple who could treat relationships with a certain distance,
to be able to detach themselves very easily,no notice, and feel absolutely no loss, no emotion.
or maybe its juz guy thing im supposed to have but yet i cant do, and hence my admiration.
but then again,there are girls who can do it.
so it set me wondering on the trip back what exactly defines an emotional attachment and this word kept poppin up in my head.

heartstrings.

you always hear the things like : key to your heart, place in your heart, opening the door to your heart etc etc billion of other heart related cliches.

but strangly enuf not one like heartstrings.

it would sound pretty weird eh?

"darling,i love you, and this here's my heartstrings."

-_-

lol the romantic in me prefers "darling i love you, and i give you the keys to my heart"

but yet the slightly more practical side of me realises that the former would probably be more of value.
maybe its cuz the latter's been cliche-ed a billion ways to hell and beyond.
/shrugs.

niwae.
the topic of the discussion came to this.
i would describe the person in question as someone pretty free spirited,
more then a lil character and all.
and one change's tads came over when the rship started was this strange deep mellowing.
suddenly the tone changes,and one hears a strange inflection in the voice.
and then the question of overseas travel came about.
and then this statement came out.

"last time if i wanted to do anithin,i juz do one leh.dun care one.but now i would think about X and how X'll feel before i do it"

and henceforth my statement,

"(insert cheery laugh here) hahah,X's really got your heartstrings la.you pwned plz."

and hence my heartstrings reflection.

i guess tad really is a true rship for him.
in a rship if both parties put each other first,
its kinda hard to step wrong eh?
of course if both parties want to gif,
one's gonna hafta "lose" and actually take,
but in the grandoise scheme,
probably doesnt matter cuz 3 steps later the reversal of roles would probably occur and then it'll start all over again and probably even out and thus the coining of the term "give and take"

and then again,
there are rships that work fine witout all this kinda stuff.
qouting another person,
"if can can lo,kenot kenot la.she understand i also suay bian one.can work can alr"

now tads a whole different kinda admiration.
of course the person mentioned fits into the abovementioned catergory,
but i for the life of me can not see how the hell a rship can exist without communication(their meeting/talkin times/sms time can be like once a week.-_-), how it can exist witout caring about the other person's emotion(like gettin back of results his partner sad and he juz said "juz apply la.results out alr.you also kenot change.okay?"/end conversation),

/boggled eyes. o.0

i guess there are building blocks to every firm and concrete relationship,
of which heartstrings,communication are defintely a very big part of,the generic chemistry i guess.

hmmm.
building blocks would be the right term i guess.
the apt term if you will.

looking at it this way.

way back in the times where the phrase probably came about,

a house was probably something you'll invest a whole shit load of time in,
building it brick by brick,
sealing up the crack seam by seam,
making sure that its strong enuf to not be shaken by external influences,
to be able to withstand the stress brought about by the elements,
to be warm and snug inside so you can find solace and a place to rest aft a bad day,
when you're building it there would be times you'll get sian-ed,
you cant even lay the bricks cuz the wind's not being nice,
you can mix your cement cuz its raining like a dog,
you're out huddling in the cold,
but yet the builder would see only the end structure and when it all blows over,
he's right back at it again.
for he knows its worth it to have a good house to stay in.
but yet,
as his house gets higher,
and he gets even more tired,
his house is even more exposed to the ails,
and he's in a lesser mood to bother about it.
food for thought eh?
but its worth it for him.=)

/shrugs.
contentment as you know it i guess.
=)

and in the case of a rship,
there are but 2 builders,and only 1 pair of hands.
why one pair??




cuz their other hands are holding each other.
it only takes 1 person to not want to do it,
and the entire structure starts gettin eroded faster then it can be built.
but..................
there's the slow and steady, and there's the fast and hasty.


wad matters is the heart of both the parties, and their love to see them true.




the sun beats down on the chosen plot,
the songbirds lift off in their flocks,
the builder marches forth and claims his land,
with his eyes he sees the work he'll begin.

each brick forged out with loving care,
love and dedication in equal share,
rain and sleet he pays no heed,
through it all he toils over the pit.

the foundations are driven in deep,
stuck in the mud are his feet,
it bogs him down and smells like shit,
he ignores it all and digs in deep.

finally its done and he stops to see,
eventually resting below a tree,
he allows himself a lil rest,
his house has passed the first test.

with a sturdy foundation he strives to build,
a house worthy of the holes he's drilled,
he fills the sides and evens the surface out,
but now appear the grey storm clouds.

the storm comes and he rides it out,
meanwhile his house's swaying like a drunken lout,
would it last he worries furtively about,
its up in the air till the storm runs out.

it clears and he's heartened to observe.
its withstood the test and has still some left in reserve,
"its worth it" he screams and jumps right back in,
piling bricks like a demon's driving him,

soon it takes shapes and its structure's formed,
he can actually hide inside should there be storms,
but still he gets soaked in the rain,
for the roof is the last thing that remains.

eventually he finishes the sides and begins on the roof,
here the winds blow about with howls sounding like wolves,
it sweeps the nails right out of his hands,
its absolute mayhem.

timber by timber he firmly nails down,
the strain is tellin his face in perpertual frown,
there's not even a single person around,
his heartbeat,his tools, the only sounds.

when its finally done,
he stops and stares.
its completed,
his house would withstand the wear and tear.
the storms and rains would never touch him.
safe and snug in his house he'll be,
happily sippin his cup of tea.




/shrugs.

its 1 alr.
/sigh

sucha a sucker.....

im such a sucka...

























for...............
















nicely shaped girls in em tight office shirts...............



















n em same girls with those hot legs in sundresses



















lol.pwned.

eye candy.

here' a lil eye candy for yu lazy foos.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=6Hx6TEqrzHU

http://youtube.com/watch?v=yZp2qpZtfbo&feature=related

http://youtube.com/watch?v=vhgzIM-9lfA&feature=related

there's a double in there sumwhere but i cant remember which so gl.

and /whine.
i wanna be ironman.=(

windsurfing 101.

in case you pple dun know,

ive gotten my 1 star windsurfing,

and lemme gif you guys brief idea of whats it like.

during my lesson day,

it was gay ass wind,

either too dam strong,

or too dam weak.

so we spent the lesson learning howta balance on a board runnin in line with the waveswhich is n exercise in idiocy.

or so i thought.

so thought processes last week was.

teacher : OKIE,SIMPLE.YOU STAND ON YOUR BOARD,TURN 2 ROUNDS FOR ME AND YOU CAN PULL UP YOUR SAIL AND TRY WINDSURFING.

methinks"aiyah no kick"

/kick

grab board.

board flips over on the end i rested my weight on, i fall into the water and kena boinked on the head.

methinks "(insert long chain of swearing)"

/kicks to surface

methinks "(insert long chain og swearing)wah lan eh the seawater dam salty!"

2nd attempt.

/kick,this time spreading my weight.

this is much more successful, tho i end up scrabbling up the board like a 20 month pregnant crab.

whilst on the board,

turn 180.

me thinks "WAH SEH MAI LAI HOR LIMZ BEIZ GOTZ SKILLZ"

wave hit the board.

methinks"SHIT."

/fall into water.

repeat climbing onto board experience.

on board, now i face the waves.smarter alr mah.so i move when the wave pass.or so i thought.

wave go over.

/turn!!!!!

methinks.shit.now i face this way how the hell am i gonna see the wave.

wave hits.

methinks"SHIT"

tis experience continues for a good hour,everyone falling into the water before the 2nd 360 can be achieved.

finally.

coach: OKAY WIND'S UP!!!YOU ALLL ALLLL ALLLLLLLLL FAILLL BALANCING.NOW GO PULL UP THE SAIL AND GOOG OOOOO

i guess its enuf to say we didnt get much windsurfing done since we were mostly falling into the water.

lol.

however,

this week.

nice wind,nice sun,everythin was juz about as perfect as one could hope for it to be.

1st attempt.

/scrabble up board.

hoist sail into neutral position.

balance.

wind grabs hold of the sail and nearly rips it out my hand.

i turn to giant and shout "SIAO LIAO THE WIND SIBEI HIONG"

/watch giant laugh,forget he's supposed to be balancing,

and falls into the water with a big splash.

i start laughing,

forget im supposed to be balancing,

fall into water myself and the boom comes down rite o top of my head and smacks me silly.

/kick to surface

/swear really loudly.

/turn to giant and i see laffin his head off at me and he starts scolding me for making him laugh n now he cant stop and focus nuf to get on his board.

okie so nvm.

one shall not be daunted despite the magnitude of the task.

so i scrabble on board once more,

bring the boom to neutral position,holding it there..

and slowly start shifting my legs to the move off position,

and then smack the boom into the lift off position....

n............

start inching forward, slowly...

and i remember the words of my coach.

"IF YOU WANNA GO FASTER, BRING THE BOOM TOWARDS YOU TO CATCH THE WHOLE WIND."

and i pull the boom towards me bravely.

now this happens in a micro second.

i pull it into me in 1 motion,

suddenly the force pulling the boom forward quadruples. AT LEAST 4 x.

before i can scream or swear,my board accelerates like a jackrabbit whose balls juz got prodded with a electric prod.

i desperately tryta hang on,

and next thing i know,the wind pulls me ALL THE DAM WAY OFF THE BOARD TOGET WITH MY SAIL.

im not shitting you it lifted my ass.

of course it helped tad the wave motions prob left my CG a lil higher,

BUT SHIT MANG ITS JUZ WIND!!!!

i flew off the dam board.

landed a good distance away from my board.now if i was on land,

the expressions would be "shocked flat on my ass"

but since i was in the middle of the sea, i was "shocked flat on my lifejacket"

well,

enuf with the failures,

so lets gif you the true windsurfing 101 experience.

you climb onto the board,

and ride the waves 1st.

you bring up the 15 kg sail and slowly lift it and let your board straighten out,

and then shift your feet to the move off position.you wait for the wave to hit,quickly balance out and shift the boom forward and into the vertical position and maintain your balance.

you begin to feel your board rushing forward.

swish swish swish it goes,smackin its head on incoming waves as it heads out to sea.

you hang on for dear life till your movements r secure against the wave motion.you then reach and put your other hand on the other end of the boom,and sloooowly,inch it in towards you.

every lil bit you pull in,you feel your board tryin to run from under you.

the wave motion start to get even more hiong,as your board starts going up them at speed and literally flying outta water for that bit of time and landing before mounting the next wave.

finally when you're leaning all the way back,and you're confident,you pull the sail to the full face of the wind.

then you feel the wind on your back,your sail angled forward,your board making surf as it speeds along the surface of the water and you speed out to sea,and you lean all the way back,the sail and its wind taking your full weight,and you really speed,i swear i was up to a good 3 x of my sprinting speed.

that my dear frends.

is windsurfing at its best.

=)

now if i could learn howta turn properly,

i wouldnt hafta keep doing a paddle recovery back to shore.lol.

oh wellz.

2nd lesson only.

i shall improve.

but its the best decision for an outdoor activity ive made in a long time.

/love to giant.

awesome shit.

=)

more to come more to come more to come.

some pictures for jo0 pple.

long weekend.

since my kid cancelled on me and i got my guitar timings rearranged,this is the longest weeked ive had in a long time.
=)
good 2-3 hours to myself.
to be honest i was supposed to leave home a while back,but yea.
/shrugs.
the best laid plans.
and since im sitting down all dressed up and no where to go,
ive decided to share this article.
its from teh weekend today.

in love and in war.

how do 2 individuals,with all their differences,make it work?

by crispina roberts.

last month,i celebrated my 12th wedding anniversary.well,sort of.
the day started moderately well, i didnt yell at my husband to wake up but nudged him gently instead.we also had a lovely buffet lunch.but by nightfall,we were sulkin over a silly argument.
it got me thinking about what makes a marriage strong ad ahow 2 pple ciwht all their unresolved issues from childhood and adulthood come together everyday and make it stick.
i turned to some reading and chanced upon a Harvard Business Review article about rships.
John Gottman, executive director of the Rship Research Institute, has been studying marriage and divorce for 35 years.His studies are serious stuff, pple are taped,heart monitored,and biofeedback devices attached to their very beings to measure reactions to conflict and intimacy.
this are some of the findings.

Successful couples tryta say yes alot.

this means they look for the positive by saying things like : "thats a good idea, why dun we try it?"
to find out more aout a union, Gottman used a "Paper Tower Tsk" couples are given materials to build a tower in half an hour.
succesful couples bask ech other for ideas.the unhappy ones were negative and someone would say "would you be quiet while i figure it out?"
i pictured myself and my husband doing this and i can see us running into problems. He likes to take the "scenic route" while i need to get things done yesterday.if i had to do "amazing race", he'll be the last person i'll pack.he'll say the same.

once we made the mistak of kayaking in the open sea toget. i gave up halfway and he had to do all the paddling. we yelled at each other and eventually,we juz waited for someone to come and get us. needless to say,this is one activity we've never done since. so we arent the "yes" kinda couple.

there are 4 bad horseman of the apocalypse.
Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Comtempt.

of the 4, contempt is the worst as it leads to disgust, and eventually kills the rship.
now this was a lil troubling for me. for one,i dun know anyone who is not critical of their spouse, not defensive of their own action and stonewalls.
who else can you call names and stew for a few days juz to show o're upset?not your boss,coleagues nor frens.

contempt,however,can be deadly.

there are coupels who dont seem to respect,admire of even like each other.
and that seems real unpleasant to me.
not matter how annoying my husband is, i admire many things about him. his intelligence,his wit,his generosity and the sheer adoration he has for his sons.
i am cheered tad i do not have the most wicked horseman.

the last point is alot of crap so im not gonna type it out nd go str8 to the the summary points.


What makes or breaks a rship.

1) say yes.

successful couples always look for the positive and tryta say yes as often as possible.pple in good rships embrace conflict and work thru them. in troubled partnerships,there are many "no"s.

2)learn to give in.

how accepting a man is of his wife influence is crucial. Men who say to their wives " Gee thats a good point" or "Yea i guess we could do that" are more likely to be in happier unions.

3)laugh it out.

most conflicts are over minor thigns. its how we fight and patch things up tad makes or breaks a rship. using humour, affection,silliness,lust and touch can make profound connections.

4)remember the lov, Part 1.

things that make it stick. show respect and affection for thy partner. pay compliemtns,show interst, listen to their ideas and touch.

5)remember thy love part 2.

things that unravel a union: Criticism,defensiveness,stonewalling and contempt.


to you,if you should read this,lol,we're so far disconnected but oh wells,
there's still so much hope,if this can speak to you,dun let the silly things get you down mang.
despite your own battle,at least he's willing to make the effort still rite?
so no harm rite there man.
but in the end,if its meant to be, its meant to be.
but as i told another close friend before.
if it has to end, dun let it be becuz you didnt try hard enuf.you wunt want to live with the regret and wondering "what if". give everythin you have, and if it doesnt work out,you can always pick the pieces up and rebuild.i'll be here to loan a helping hand.
smile.=)

pretty insightful article for me tbh.
i was readin this on the train and it nearly made me drop my phone which i was msging on.
lol.how do you study marriage.
i wonder if that dude is married himself.

"honey before we start,lets tape this electrodes here..here..here...here...here...there.okie we're ready"
wife screams " I SAID YOU'RE TOO OBSESSED WITH YOUR DAM WORK!!!!!!!!!! YOU JUZ PROVED MY POINT!!!"
/rips off electrodes and castrates husband.
ggnated.

lol
okie imma go get ready and head out.oh wellz.
windsurfing here i come.
=)


and maybe the decision's been made all along,
i juz didnt wanna accept it.

emoz nemoz.

i've been chattin up to certain pple ive neglected for the longest time.
pple tad came into my life from the weirdest directions.
and somehow the topic always drifts to the person's love life.
lol.
love truly iz all around eh?
and its juz seems to me tad it really is all a matter of time and place.

i read this from someone's blog,

"is love really tad complicated,or is it us human beings that make it so"

i juz dunno.
being really tired makes you really really emo.
sleeping less den 5 hours will day will wear you down eventually.
esp since im on my self inspired project.
heh.and insteada of dropping off to bed the instant i put down the phone everynite like i used to,
i find myself rolling it over and over in my head till i doze off from weariness.
and still no solution
in all honesty to myself,
there prob isnt one,
the only solution would be as time moves on i guess.

___________________________________________________________
okie
lol
lost my train of thought.
shall continue when i get home.
been rushin meetings all round the clock.
10 mins to knock off!!!
_____________________________________________________________

hmm.okie,im too tired to really blog coherently.
still got stuff to do before tmr comes.
imma come back another day.
=P

mourn.

i was reading my old blog entries.
to think ive been bloggin since may 2003.
tads a good 5 years.
lol.
niwaez.
i realised ive written a whole SHITLOAD of poems.

and wad do i mourn.
i mourn the me tad was a hell lot more happy and carefree.
no wonder pple dun wanna grow up.

lol
mourn happy me.
cheer sad me.

wth irony.

pretty lyrics.

i was listening to radio.
and this song came on.
hahaha im not sure how many of you are like me,
but i tink a goodly portion of us are guilty of listenin to music but not hearing the lyrics.
buuuuuuuut,
since her first song was pretty decent lyrics wise,
i decided to pay close attention to the words.
and im glad i did.=)
one line really caught my attention.
lets see if any lines speak to you guys as well.

colbie colliat's - realise

Take time to realize
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in
Take time to realize
That I am on your side
Well didn't I, didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now

Take time to realize
Oh oh, I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you
Take time to realize
Oh oh, I'm on your side
Oh ooo oh ooo oh
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, but


It's not the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it too
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way
It could be the same for you

If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other

Just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now


btw, featured on the song is a really nice harmony,
and i was wondering who the hell was tad,thinkin it was like another no namer like tony tony tony who's been on alicia keys's harmonies so many times with pple thinkin he's usher,
but surprise!!
its james blunt.
no wonder.=)


which line speaks to you?=)


______________________________________________
i woke up really early and went to msia today to talk business,
and on the drive up,
just struck me.
a few posts back i was talkin about the situation ive found myself in once again and how if thru so many different circumstances,
the problem still exists,
then the constant is the problem,
in the immortal words,
once you eliminated the rest,the answer is obvious,
and tad constant is me,
and i do believe my brainwave at 5 in the morning was....
tad i be lookin for something that i shouldnt be lookin for,
not for the next 7-8 years at least.
and with this lies my discontent.

how retarded of oneself pls.
/shrugs.

and then.....
on the way back,
i had a flashback when along the 2nd link.
i looked out at my old training ground,
facing our neighbours,
remembering how we took the v200 for a joyride down the hill and the thrill of sittin in the gunner hatch,with nothing protecting you but a lousy helmet,riding a 7 ton vehicle at 80?90kmh down a hill.
rofl.
and den aft,once we set up our AO,sittin down and talking cock around the messtin fire.
and i remember one of the discussions.

btw,
for all females,
the stereotype is quite true,
guys in ns do really talk about girls alot,
but in this case,
the question was asked.

"to wad extent would you go to do things to make your girls happy"

now tad kinda loaded question,
is the kind you NEVER EVER hope to hear from your girl/wife,
cuz you know no matter wad kinda answer you gif,you're screwed either way.

typical responses your partner'll shoot back.

"i'll do anithin"---no zhi qi.wad a pushover.no kick living with him
"wad i feel is rite"---he still puts himself before me.how to love someone who doesnt put you first.
"i'll climb the mountains to bring ice for her coke if she's hot"---romantic...but not sensible.how to survive the singapore society.

lol.

you get the idea.

but niwae,
as the discussion went on,
i realise one thing.

for those of you who havent watched p.s i love you,
imma spoil a lil bit for you by quoting a line.

"lemme tell you the secret to what women want"
"do tell"
"the secret.....is that women themselves dun know wad they want"

so in all honesty,
there's a bunch of "politically correct" answers available.

emo kid : i'll love her,gif her all she mite want(even tho it changes like a baby's diaper),for her smile is all tad matters to me.

now that is pure bullshit cuz tad's asuming the emo kid doesnt have feelings.
its juz tad he doesnt reckon it's even close to being important to him compared to the way his girl feels.

prac kid : i'll love her, gif her wad i think is practical.i wunt gif into her whims, as she'll juz change her mind an hour later, and sometimes wad's spent cant be recovered.

now thats pure bullshit cuz tads asuming your partner's as practical as you.2 practical pple in a rship is like a boardroom you know?decisions okay?everythin else all screwed up.can you imagine??

"dear lets have sex"
"okay."
"9 oclock can?"
"hmm.is that too soon aft dinner?muz have 2 hour rest before vigorous exercise"
"hmm.10 oclock okay with you?"
"yup that should be fine.lemme jot it down in my diary"
"yup i'll put it in my scheduler also"
"wait is it safe?"
"i think so.*rustling in background as she counts days since last period* eh cant.abit risky."
"you want pill or condom or tampon"
"lets analyse"
"pill 100%,condom 99%,tampon*80++%"
"lets take the highest odds"
"okay later go see doctor"

IT JUST DOESNT WORK.there has to be irrationality in a rship.its like 2 monks gettin married man.pratical as hell,but there sure as hell aint gonna be smiles man.all wise words wont do shit if you aint happy.tranquility aint all as hyped up as it is.and neither is contentment,we're bloody singporean.which singaporean can come to terms with emselves.sheeeeit.

the middle kid : i'll gif in to her sometimes,sumtimes not, but i'll still love her all the time.

now tad's absolute suicidal plot rite there man.
i juz learnt yest that girls DO BITCH a hel lot about their partners.
a small lil girl i was talkin to was like "eh cant,my blog's like pure bitching about my bf"
i was like "WTF?!?!?! wad you complain about sial?girls got complain bout tis kinda shit one meh"
yea go figure.
path of indecision.
i can hear it alr ."he blows hot and cold one,sometimes i dun even know he loves me not.its like he has love swings.and we thought mood swings and pms was bad enuf.his loves swings are like both combined"

5 letters : pwned.

doesnt seem to be the right answer ainit?
lol.
if someone can come up with a safe plan of action tad still shows your girl you love her,
share the word man.
its only decent to help the rest of the male population out.

lets leave my favourite titbit as a parting statement.

"how much can you gif,before you lose yourself and not know where you start, and you the bf begins"

now that shocked em flat on their asses.
lookin at the amount of shit i talk in ns, a proper statement outta me was like looking at a mosque and seeing a swastika insteada of a crescent.

lol.bak to work.

hoot hoot

there's a line in a song tads pretty much a build up line tad goes to

: i feel like a hero.....blah blah blah blah.







i feel like an stray owl.

hoot hoot.hoot hoot./flap arms.

just that one ding.

you ever realise at one point in your life.
there's one failing that you can never stop no matter how hard you try?
you keep tellin yourself tad you aint gonna walk the same way,
but in a blink of an eye you're on tad well trodden path once more.
same road,
the situation seems all too familiar.
its gotten to the point you dun even wanna try to blame it on anyone else but yourself for you know that the blame lies solely within you.
and you tell yourself you wanna make it good but it juz aint tickin over.
and you wonder to yourself : wth is going on man.how the f did i end up here again.

its at times like tad you're really forced to look within yourself,
to examine whether all the things you say you hold dear are lies or not.
for all your self righteous values, can you really walk the walk and not talk the talk.

i used to wonder a whole lot why i am the way i am in this aspect.
and i could think of 5 hundred and 50 million spare reasons.
but the true reason lies in mistakes past i guess.
things that make it hard for me to ever ever be able to look at things in a different way.
everythin has its consequences.
back then i didnt think i'll be scarred.
certainly not in this fashion.
back then i was the f-ing shit.
had it all and when it happened i was so sure it'll bounce off me.
well.
truth is tad it did bounce of me.
but it left a chink in the armor.
and like the chain and its weakest link, the hairline crack of a dam,
i guess when the situations presents itself,
suddenly stress is applied and i begin to crumble in this aspect at least.
and the irony of it all,
is that i cant seem to do without it which brings the stress opun the fault line.

well.
thats the price you pay for mistakes made.
i want so badly to be able to not feel the way i do about certain things.
but the naggin feeling juz wunt quit.
and i cant even wonder why.
for as quickly as the thought forms,
its drifts barely outta my skull and immediately turns back witha big ass finger pointing right back at me.
and then again the self depreciating ccle beings once more.

oh wells.
lates.
time to try to head back to sleep again.
and for you mahjong fans out there.

www.viwawa.com.

join and look me up.

i'll prob use iceburnz or d12_iceburnz as my moniker so yea.

lets shuffle tiles together!!!!wheee.

work's been fun i guess.
but infinitely tiring.
ive moved from 1 teh ping being enuf to kep me up the whole day to 2.
its that hard to complete sometimes.

/shrugs.

life goes on.
either i up my own standards or fall behind.
and ive fallen behind too many times alr.
/shrugs.
pwned.

/gush.

okie this is plain out and out free advertisment but i dun care.

this movie aint even out in sg yet.
but when it is,
i sure as hell am gonna watch it again.

the movie in question?

step up 2 :the streets.

now i know i know,
before alla ya'll start beating on me,
im not exactly the most impartial judge when it comes to this kinda movies cuz im in all honestly the most biased person and as long as its got a lil bit of hip hop + black culture in it,im all for it.
lol.
i cant even remember when all this started.

honey??then the and the countless other nigga dance movies.lol.

but swear to God,
this is really some damn good shit.
anyone who likes black music,street dancing,breaking and is a sucker for the underdog kinda story you gonna love this shit.

serias.
if im still not tired of the movie when the dvd comes out imma go get me a copy.
=P

fight or flee.

heh.
finally back home aft just about the most awesome fri nite - sat this year yet.=)
thanks to the one who made it possible.
/love.

i had a rather interesting comment said to me a coupla days back,
which is rather the topic of this post.
oh a tangent,
someone mentioned a phrase to me that he thought was very apt.
he read it at the back of some novel and tad very day he came up to me and said "eh bro.this phrase represents you to a tee man.juz tad you're f-in selective tho"

the phrase utilized a russian word,
basically "you have a memory of a kulak"
now i have no clue what it is,and no desire to find out either.
prob aint a nice term,
but i guess its quite true,
sometimes i surprise myself at some of the detail i remember with respect to things said by certain pple.
every lil word i seem to be able to remember as well as the tone and expression.

quite a lil scary.
but back tot eh topic at hand.
the line said to me was "you know,when you're affected by something,its really quite obvious"

now tad was a lil unsettling to me.
having always prided myself in being able to control my emotions by keepin an impassive face,
now tho the person's one i have no reason to hafta guard my emotions arnd, it was a lil unsettling for me as if im tad relaxed i mite have let my guard down outside of this "circle" which i feel so comfortable i dun bother to watch myself.

all along,
ive always read about pple losing their temper/doing things in spurts of anger tad they regret later.
i myself have done those,
lookin back ive done my fair bit of stupid things that i thank my dear Lord that i have bros who've never rubbed my face in it.
and to be honest,
i guess along the way,
i told myself to never behave in tad particular manner again.

n now whenever im unhappy or in danger of losing control,i'll always tryta excuse myself if possible.
to take a minute to clear up my thoughts,to deal with myself before headin back into the fray.
now i dunno if its bad bahaviour/manners/shit. i honestly cbf-ed.
im not the confrontational sort.
if the choice comes to fight or flight, if a clear escape route is available, i'll run my ass off to get there.
a huge part of this is tad i find myself really really ugly when i lose control.
i dun think.i juz spit and swear and suddenly say things hurt,things tad are unfair,things tad may or may not have their basis in truth.
and i honestly dun like it.

to be honest.
when im quiet, i would only be one of 2 things.
unhappy or tired.
and why do i juz choose to keep quiet?
something my mummy once said before.
"you can be wadever mood you wanna be, but to let your mood affect another is juz irresponsible / inconsiderate."

now this was proven in REAL last time(yes i still remember the things i learnt), where a particular someone in the program let her mood affect everyone in the prog and brought things down.

and i guess in my opinion, keeping quiet's juz about the most neutral thing one can ever do.
hiding my emotions?keeping things within myself?

/shrugs.

as i said before.
even amongst my closest pple.
should i have a good enuf reason to wanna keep the reason behind the way im feeling the way i do away from you, i dun think you'll ever find out.
certain things are never meant to be said.
if everything was spelled out,
you only leave yourself exposed and vulnerable.
and the rest of the world still has the armor value of facade ++.
and when situations turn back,
you'll be surprised how quickly they get at you cuz they know howta pierce your armor.
ive experienced it firsthand too.

/shrugs.

truth be told.
i honestly dunno why i typed all the above.
im not exactly feeling at the top of the world at the moment.
juz like a weight that i tot was gone from my shoulders has suddenly reappeared and since i threw it off with great joy, now with the added height its gained, its suddenly weighin alot heavier then before.

wad was the quote again?

"to the ones the Gods wish to destroy, They first make great" : some greek dude.

heh.
so next time.
when you're feeling pretty much at the top of the world,
start lookin arnd for the bolt outta the blue mang.
you can be pretty sure sumthin's coming up pretty soon.
and it wunt just be one thing.

in the immortal words of a inerbriated course mate, mr(3sg ns) gary,
strangly and too true,

"when shit comes, it comes in lumps"

now tads juz about the prettiest way to sum up any shitty situation eh?

/ironic smile.

okie.
time to restring my guit and play for a while.
emo guit is always a good source of inspiration.

ROFLKEKE

now im tryin terribly not to be mean,
but now tad i started work,
here's a lil sumthin funky i saw at work.lol.
just thought i'll share it a lil.







































to be used in conjuction with another classic photo.


















and i aint tad much a bast!@# k.i made him a new sign.
juz gifs yo a chuckle eh.

now get on yo knees and thank you papa and mama for your education.
=P