fight or flee.

heh.
finally back home aft just about the most awesome fri nite - sat this year yet.=)
thanks to the one who made it possible.
/love.

i had a rather interesting comment said to me a coupla days back,
which is rather the topic of this post.
oh a tangent,
someone mentioned a phrase to me that he thought was very apt.
he read it at the back of some novel and tad very day he came up to me and said "eh bro.this phrase represents you to a tee man.juz tad you're f-in selective tho"

the phrase utilized a russian word,
basically "you have a memory of a kulak"
now i have no clue what it is,and no desire to find out either.
prob aint a nice term,
but i guess its quite true,
sometimes i surprise myself at some of the detail i remember with respect to things said by certain pple.
every lil word i seem to be able to remember as well as the tone and expression.

quite a lil scary.
but back tot eh topic at hand.
the line said to me was "you know,when you're affected by something,its really quite obvious"

now tad was a lil unsettling to me.
having always prided myself in being able to control my emotions by keepin an impassive face,
now tho the person's one i have no reason to hafta guard my emotions arnd, it was a lil unsettling for me as if im tad relaxed i mite have let my guard down outside of this "circle" which i feel so comfortable i dun bother to watch myself.

all along,
ive always read about pple losing their temper/doing things in spurts of anger tad they regret later.
i myself have done those,
lookin back ive done my fair bit of stupid things that i thank my dear Lord that i have bros who've never rubbed my face in it.
and to be honest,
i guess along the way,
i told myself to never behave in tad particular manner again.

n now whenever im unhappy or in danger of losing control,i'll always tryta excuse myself if possible.
to take a minute to clear up my thoughts,to deal with myself before headin back into the fray.
now i dunno if its bad bahaviour/manners/shit. i honestly cbf-ed.
im not the confrontational sort.
if the choice comes to fight or flight, if a clear escape route is available, i'll run my ass off to get there.
a huge part of this is tad i find myself really really ugly when i lose control.
i dun think.i juz spit and swear and suddenly say things hurt,things tad are unfair,things tad may or may not have their basis in truth.
and i honestly dun like it.

to be honest.
when im quiet, i would only be one of 2 things.
unhappy or tired.
and why do i juz choose to keep quiet?
something my mummy once said before.
"you can be wadever mood you wanna be, but to let your mood affect another is juz irresponsible / inconsiderate."

now this was proven in REAL last time(yes i still remember the things i learnt), where a particular someone in the program let her mood affect everyone in the prog and brought things down.

and i guess in my opinion, keeping quiet's juz about the most neutral thing one can ever do.
hiding my emotions?keeping things within myself?

/shrugs.

as i said before.
even amongst my closest pple.
should i have a good enuf reason to wanna keep the reason behind the way im feeling the way i do away from you, i dun think you'll ever find out.
certain things are never meant to be said.
if everything was spelled out,
you only leave yourself exposed and vulnerable.
and the rest of the world still has the armor value of facade ++.
and when situations turn back,
you'll be surprised how quickly they get at you cuz they know howta pierce your armor.
ive experienced it firsthand too.

/shrugs.

truth be told.
i honestly dunno why i typed all the above.
im not exactly feeling at the top of the world at the moment.
juz like a weight that i tot was gone from my shoulders has suddenly reappeared and since i threw it off with great joy, now with the added height its gained, its suddenly weighin alot heavier then before.

wad was the quote again?

"to the ones the Gods wish to destroy, They first make great" : some greek dude.

heh.
so next time.
when you're feeling pretty much at the top of the world,
start lookin arnd for the bolt outta the blue mang.
you can be pretty sure sumthin's coming up pretty soon.
and it wunt just be one thing.

in the immortal words of a inerbriated course mate, mr(3sg ns) gary,
strangly and too true,

"when shit comes, it comes in lumps"

now tads juz about the prettiest way to sum up any shitty situation eh?

/ironic smile.

okie.
time to restring my guit and play for a while.
emo guit is always a good source of inspiration.