building a mystery, living the fantasy.

i was listening to sarah's building a mystery the other day.
from her greatest hits album.
and i was reminded of a post i made a while ago.

there's no denying that life is hard.
and that at certain times, the truth is a little hard to take.
amd what i believe happens is that our body tries to compensate, and starts telling ourselves certain things.

like "its gonna be fine", "things will work out in the end"

sometimes they do, sometimes they don't, but they get you thru the day.

but wad happens when you actually start believing all this stuff.
that is untrue, and is just basically your way of dealing with things, or rather, NOT dealing with things.

truths tad are like "everything's okay wad", "what's wrong"

things that were once a matter of concern, suddenly become non-important, becuz you've dismissed them so many times already.
i believe thats when things start to happen.

im the sorta person that believes that problems do not resolve themselves.
there's a window of time available to resolve it.
and when that window passes, the problem becomes non-consequential anymore.
it does not resolve itself, it just passes becuz the consequence is a foregone conclusion.
and sometimes by deluding ourselves this way, we dont notice that we might have actually missed out something else. This foregone conclusion could've been adverted, could've been explored and we might have preferred it over the choice that by guidance of this avoidance we made. Is the grass greener over the other side?
i dun really subscribe to that theory.
I would prefer to go see the grass on both sides, before making my decision on where to swing..
opportunities come and go in flashes.

sometimes its juz there, asking to be grabbed, but you arent around. and perhaps, that little moment might have enriched something in your own life. But you would never find out.

i often wonder if i take things for granted. whether becuz im so safe and secure, i like to compare and see the grass on the other side. but then again, sometimes i wonder if its juz human to want the best of both worlds.

i'm in a state right now where im pretty much emotionless.
i dun wanna feel, becuz if i do, i would just slip further into unhappiness and the lonely isle of self depression.
i dunno how i reached this state, or why im in this stage right now.
as a matter of fact, here's some self delusion evident right here and now.
i do know actually.
but i dun wish to confront it..
cuz i know that confronting it wouldnt help the situation.
in fact, it might even make things worse.
or would it?

by deluding myself that i dunt know,
i wouldn't ever find out.
and to be honest, this lil bit of self-delusion, is all that's keeping me afloat at the moment.

im tired beyond words,
tired of being alone.

im singing songs tad i would've never sang before,
just becuz the a line in the lyrics make sense at the moment.
while i keep silent, in the words of alv, "who's there for me".


there are just times where you wish there was that someone there to just hold you and tell you everything's gonna be fine.
times where you feel amazingly alone despite being surrounded by pple.


who fills you up.


who warms you from the insides.


i have my 1 person.


do you?

food for thought.