firstly.
i would like to start it off by sheddin of all pretense.
its said that music only makes sense wen you're experiencing strong emotional trauma.
if you've been following my blog entries,you would've noticed a strong melacholic twinge in the way its been running.
the songs and all.
im sick of acting,
i dun care if you dun even read it.
its my bloody blog.
im gonna rant and rant for once till im spent
imma slap a 1 x big NC(16) rating on the frickin entry.
________________________________
NC (16)
________________________________
now back the hell up.
and wen you called me on sunday,this was the song i was singing to you.i doubt you heard,nor made sense of it.
its a pity.
you asked me why i stopped singing to you.
but wen i did with the song that told you how close things were,
you werent listening as usual.
normally i would bold the words that make particular reference in my life and let you guys figure it out.
but this whole song juz spells it out so simply that i'll juz let it speak for itself whilst at the same time,put my comments in brackets.
this song is from 30 seconds to mars, i relatively new emo band.
if you havent downld/heard this song,get it now.
dun get lost and miss out sumthin tad sings true pls.
it mite juz sing true for you and you'll find that like a vacuum,it sucks the pain out and leaves a spic and span new inner you.
here goes the lyrics.
excuse the short form im actually typin this out as its indie enought that a-z lyrics database doesnt have it.
the kill-
wad if i wanted to break,
laugh it off in your face,(and i did)
wad would you do.
wad if i fell to the floor,
couldnt take this anymore,(i fell so many times i had scabs,and valleys etched into my face from the hot acidic tears)
what would you do.
come ,break me down,(your words they really did)
bury me bury me,(and that was wad i seeked today)
i am,finished wit you.(and this is my position now)
wad if i wanted to fight,
beg for the rest of my life,(i cant even remember how many times you reduced me to this state)
wad would you do,
you said you wanted more,(i was never good enough was i.not buffed nuf,not smart nuf,not with a future enuf.you unsaid expectations were all so evident from your comparisons you juz never realised i knew you enough to see what you were really thinkin.i was so much into you i even had your thought processes down pat.you want evidence?your specs today.i didnt even hafta look.i knew exactly where you had left them)
what are you waiting for,(you obviously arent waitin for now so yup)
im not runnin from you.(i never did.but now im walkin away.much as it would've hurt me to said this before,the song has sucked my emotions and left it void,im never lookin back.you said you'll ka chau me.you cant ka chau wad you cant reach.you ran the other way in the last 5 mins that we had toget remember?)
come break me down,
bury me bury me,
i am finished wit you.
look in my eyes,(did you even look.today that is.you know what eyes are?they're windows into your soul.i never wanted to tell you how i feel.and till today i didnt.vainly hopin that you would for ONE BLOODY TIME, be able to know how i was feelin witout spellin it out.and yes.my eyes tell all.and they arent hard to look into unless you've done "tui bu qi" me things.but wait.you did.doesnt matter now pls.its no longer tui be qi alr pls.you have my blessings)
you're killing me killing me,
i am finished wit you.
i tried to be someone else,(you suggested it,i was so desperate i tried it.)
but nothing seemed to change i know now ,(it didnt bring out wad you promised me it would)
this is who i really am inside,(it dun matter i still am the same softy i always was inside.weak shit but dw imma guy i'll get on my own 2 feet.ive done it before,i'll do it again.)
finally found myself,(enlightenment?doubt so.more wisdom?yes.im walkin away arent i)
fightin for a chance i know now,(i was so dam lost while doin it,so single minded,but in the end,)
this is who i really am.
COME..
BREAK ME DOWN...
BURY ME BURY ME...
I AM FINISHED WITH YOU...
LOOK IN MY EYES...
YOU'RE KILLING ME, KILLING ME.
ALL I WANTED WAS YOU.
this is where it begins to get ugly.
parents turn your heads away.
all along,
i always had this concept of love.
and once again.
rudely awakened that this concept is not one that is shared.
this concept was taught to me by the one person with whom i was together wit for 4 years.the only relationship i have emotional regrets.
and you know sumthin.
pple like you defoul the whole ideals of love.
you and your shoddy imprecations of wad is "fallin head over heels",
being swept of your feet,
losing grip of yourself,
this is not love.
its juz a lack of brain power.
weak willed.
you said i swept you off yours.
and now?you sweepin your own feet off juz in case he cant?
the words are a far cry from the truth ,
they like bloody searing thunderbolts,
the contrast between the words before and the actions after are like the darkest storms and the clearest skies.
you cheapen the ideals of a relationship,
you cheapen you own words,
blessed are you wit looks
and even now i still say you lookin dam fine.
but your insides are fill with so much deceit with the allowance of pure obliviousness that may pardon you from the sharpest edge of my tongue.
but man you are one chick in need.
you said independance.
you concepts are so alien.wad is independance?leaning upon your pillars?
you bounce from pillar to pillar if you were in ancient greek the greeks would run outta pillars to let you lean on.
and you call that shoddy attempt a form of independance?
wen i heard those words, it was all i could do to stifle my instant reaction.
you know when i know you're independant?
when being alone doesnt scare you,doesnt trouble you the least.
you dun go gropin in your bag for a phone once you're alone.
that would be the biggest indicator to me that you're independant.
you know.
i went there today with 2 goals.
achievin either one of em would sufficed.
and you help me achieve one.
goal number 1)
to see if as you said,the change in me wrong bring about sumthin in you.and if it did,to sit down and sort things out.
goal number 2)[this being the one that was achieved in the end.to be honest i knew it was gonna be this niwae]
to crack my heart totally open to that the shards became powdered residues that would be swept away in the river of time allowin a new one to rise from the ashes in peace wit bright new hope again that the cynical me knows will be crushed but i cbf to stop it from happening.
and that was wad the thanks was for.
for helpin me move the hell on.
i was speakin to fysh the other day.
and he was like tellin me about him and this girl.
(YOU BLOODY LIAR IM STILL QUITE ANGST TAD YOU LIED TO BE BACK THEN)
but anyway.tads beyond the point.
and i realise sumthin.
while fysh mite not have had many relationships in his life (kudos to him and the power of WORLD OF FREAAAAAAKIN WARCRAFT)
he knows exactly what he wants from a girl.
just in case you are interested in fysh,
here's a checklist of the things he likes in his girl
sporty.
assets on the upper level.(imma lower level assets man juz in case you're interested in me)
and muz be a bit 'clingly' in his own words
aniway,the point is this.
he knows exactly wad he's lookin for and he's not gonna do nithin till he finds tad exact combo.
(eh.at least i think so la.his recent scandals not quite there.GAHAHAHAHAHA)
/hug fysh
lol.sayin that reminds me of giant and his lil girl.lol.
HAHAHAHA OKIE TAD WAS DAM BAS@#$% pls.
okie sorry sorry to giant and fysh pls.
but seriously,
if you got the abovementioned qualities,make yourself known to fysh.i swear sum1 needsta break him outta WoW man.
okie i juz realised i outta topic.-_-
by a hell lot.
where was i.
right.the point is that there are those of us who can deal with it like me bro right there,and sum of us who only know wad we're lookin for thru experiments.
unfortunately,im the latter,which means i'll prob experience a whole shitload of drama in my life before i finally settle down.
niwae.
good bye pls.
i juz hope you know what you're doin now.
if you don't,
well.im sorry,but you have 1 less pillar to lean on.im takin back the promise of "being always there no matter wad"
which you've used a coupla times alr.
im sorry but this is wad i feel is best for myself.im sick of being a 20-30 call boy before the next activity takes you away.
am i finished ranting.
lemme check.
okie nvm.if i sleep and think of more i'll come back and rant somemore.
its finally so good to return to being frank on my own space.
____________________________
PG
_____________________________
on a final and much brighter note.
to every single one of you that prayed for me.
ask me out for your ice cream treat pls.
:D
im a card totin driver now.:)
time to learn howta drive my parents arnd.:)
thanks to g who gets a special mention not cuz of anithin but for the sheer fact that she was the ONLY ONE WHO MSGED ME and wished me luck.
and not those bros tad aft that "HAHAHAH you )(*)&*&)&* i knew you'll pass grats bit!%"
you lil bros can go take back seat.
1 x cheer for GROWLIA PLS.
/cheer.
okie.
now i shall go shower aft my rather angsty evening,
and den come back and pray my beloved WoW server is back on,
den level my twink to level 29,and go into battlegrounds and start blasting alliance to blow away more of the rage within.
gnite.
and once again.
ask me for my GREEN CARD(ZOMG NOT AMERICAN IC ) BUT MY DARLING DRIVING LICENSE!!!!!!!!
in about 3 weeks time pls.
"your photograph drivin license will arrive in 3-4 weeks time via REGISTERED post"
at tad point in time i was happily lookin at the paper that said i can drive,
but now im wondering got such thing as unregistered post meh.
you unregistered post means your mail come from nowhere.
no where = terrorist rite?-_-
okie dam outta point pls.
ZOMG I CAN DRIVE ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG GETT ME SUM WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLS.
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