with false enthusiasm.
wit silent dread within.
walked into the canteen n felt a lil better upon seein the hockey guys.
they made me feel like i had come home.
talked to em a lil while.
saw hafiz.
screamed at him "did they call you"
my humble bro nodded.
my heart leaped fer him.
str8 As fer this bro tad helped me immeasureably durin tad span of time.
time ticked by inexorably.
time arrived.
i headed into the hall.
cheered on frens who attained their st8 As.
finally the time came.
ran to the table.
wantin to get it as fast as possible n get it over with.
was 3rd in line.
saw my teacher's face beamin at me.
hope began to rise.
i tot i had reached the elusive C average.
genuine happiness was upon his face.
he was so happy i had actually attained all passes.
and so were the other teacher's present.
i didnt know so many of em actually bothered to check.
they came to say hi n congratulate me.
all pleased tad i had passed.
tad the impossible had happened.
from FFF to CDE wit no failed subjects.
genuine pleasure.
and wen i got the result slip.
i screamed within myself.
"wad the hell are these goddamned results.
wad in the flyin f am i gonna be able to do wit em.
why the hell are all of you congratulatin me!!
im a man witout a school.
im a man witout prospects.
one whose future lies in lieu.
WHY THE SMILES."
i called my mummy.
she was glad fer me too.
genuine pleasure tad i had passed.
i called my girl.
AAB.
genuine pleasure from me to her.
pride oozed from me.
i got a smart baby.
i called my sistter.
she heard from mummy alr.
also happy fer me.
all this while.
the voice within me SCREAMIN " WTF HAVE YOU DONE WIT YOUR PATHETIC EXISTENCE.YOU USELESS UNWANTED PIECE OF CRAP WITOUT A UNI"
i looked over at druggie.
CCD.
pretty good results.
envy flooded my heart.
i genuinely was jealous of her.
dun be angry at me druggie.
here was suym1 wit an overseas option.
i didnt haf tad.
why didnt i get those grades.
den i remembered.
did i really put in the effort to justify those results being mine?
no.
i shut up,
cut off voice to the inner demon within me.
and tried to remain calm.
i remember starin down at the field in a daze.
wonderin wad the hell to do.
den she called sayin she was comin to look fer me.
my 1st thought was "i had better get out of this goddamned mood before i screw up her celebrations which she definitely deserves"
2nd thought was how to achieve that.
i called my boss.
i needed action so as to stop feelin sorry fer myself.
asked her if i could work a coupla hours.
she agreed./
thus i only ruined my baby's day fer about an hour or 2.
went to work ina daze.
with her by my side.
sat at 7-11 and had my meal.
stayed in her arms n really felt so lost.
so lonely.
so bloody homeless.
useless.
there is no feelin like bein hung up dry n awaitin the stroke of judgement to fall.
that feelin of helplessness in knowin tad all the time where actions could've changed your present situation has passed.
waitin fer the knife to fall.
the day passed witout comment.
ibu(my boss) saw a need,
an opportunity cuz the bar was quiet,
and sent fysh home with me.
n once again i thank God fer havin fysh in my life.
fer there is no one in the world i can be so totally honest n truthful wit my emotions too.
he listened,
knowin tad he neednt say anithin.
God bless your soul bro.i honestly pray one day you'll get to know my God n acknowlodge him.
and yea.
all the things i cant say to my family were said to him.
all the things unmutterable to my baby were spilled to him.
the anguish manifested itself in a tirade tad had no end.
till i was spent.
limp.
did i mention?
my g.p results.
the one thing i was relyin on.
came up dry.
a lousy c5.
she got an a2.
that nite,
i talked to her,
litstenin wit half a ear as self centered worries took centerstage.
wonderin wad the hell was my path supposed to be from here.
wad was a supposed to do.
where could i possibly go.
and once again,
thank God fer puttin her in my life.
i know not her final meanin,
but i know her presence is no mistake.
despite all the religious complications,
its still His will.
and i Thank him fer providing me sum1 to lean on.
the next day i awoke.
went to work openin the bar.
left early to have dinner with her.
we went to this rest along clark quay.
the place was amazing.
the ambience,
these lil old school boats chuggin away in the wayer,
the lights reflectin of the water surface.
it was magical.
we ate crab n scallops,
spent a bomb,
and i sent her home, n arrived home wit time to spare.
at night,
once again.
my thoughs strayed towards my own problems instead of enjoyin her multiplicity of choices with her.
worryin bout where would i find a door open.
knowin tad with my results doors have already been closed.
sorry baby.:(
i met her frens on tues night n we had dinner toget at dilly bombers i believe.
and i began to fully appreciate the person im with.
and even more so now.
the truth has juz pronounced itself even more clearly to me.
i honestly cant avoid feelin this way be it silly or not.
as a result of my results,
my self confidence is at an all time low
the inferiority complex has attained megaphone level of clarity.
and wen i was tellin my sister about her fren's results,
plus her,
(btw,tink st8 As n yea.juz str8 As n a smatterin of Bs.)
she gave voice to this lil stupid naggin voice within me.
she said tis "wah.you better be prepared.tis kinda gal,tis kinda standard,very soon wunt wanna play wit you.you better get prepared"
be it in a jokin tone,
i was really stunned as my doubts were given voice.
baby's assuaged me that it'll never happen,
but at the same time,
im prepared fer that eventuality.
and then now.
my sister believes tad her chances fer a scholarship are really good.
n baby'll be able to attain the dream of bein a medical doctor should tad be the case,
to study overseas.
hmm.
which i believe will spell the end of sumthin really magical that's been the very thing i wake up fer every mornin.
ns plus not even meetin my gal on teh weekend is impossible.
but i believe tad should she be offered the chance,
she should take it.
and i'll be behind her all the way.
dreams are meant to be fulfilled.
n i hope the Lord presents me wit His grace again.
and with the faith tad it'll be enough fer me.
watchin the world go by,.
the pple wit the A's discussin their prospects.
never again will mistakes of this severity be made.
upon my life n my love fer my God.
i henceforth solemnly delcare that should a door into an institute of higher education provide itself n if God wills it,
is one of my likin,
i would be instill wit a gratitude like no other n a passion n desire to do well like never before seen.
but the doors are still closed.
and i'll be left hangin fer the next 4-5 months.
will i be able to take it.
God knows.
but i'll sure as hell hafta endure it.
and the goin these few days haf been tough.
but i believe the Lord'll help me overcome.
but the feelin of uselessness.
unwantedness.
stupidity.
wanton plain stupidty.
all my life.
i've been stated to be intelligent.
not the usual bs compliments given to students.
wen the teachers see my parents i could tell which said it fer real cuz they felt tad way n which said it as a standard line.
n many did mean it.
and now.
look at where i've ended up.
im sorry all who believed in me.
sorry all whom i've let down once again.
unworthy.
unworthiness.
i know its stupid.
but it still nags within.
my brain's doin a pretty good job of silencin the voice.
but wen it fails.
pls hold me up.
i dunno how long more can i stand this.
mucho thanks to ppple like baby,fysh,joey,rah,g,druggie,loi,jie n all who've called,msged,
to all who've expressed concern.
to all who care.
im sorry fer the snide tones.
the monosyllabic replies.
i love you all mucho mucho.
im sorry fer bein immature.
but i really feel lost.
forgif my childish behavior.
but still be here fer me should i really require it.
baby's provin equal to the task fer now.
but should tad time comes.
pls be here.
i really appreciate every one of ya'll.
unworthy.
its been a long nite.
i shall head to bed.
i'll be goin to career fair tml.
hopefully an option'll present itself.
and the Lord bless me with it.
night allz.
here's a photo on tues nite before doomsday arrived.
as usual i look clownish.
this be the bunch with the goodass ghey results.
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