not blaspheming.(edited)

there have been many times in my life,
where ive felt lonesome in that sense of the word.
where you feel really really alone, that its so hard to find the pple or person that can truly understand you for what you are and all.
and you begin to wonder if such a person exists.

in any case,

this has been the shittiest week for as long as i can remember since i got uncerimoniously pulled out from the hockey team to my ultimate shame by my form teacher who had my best interests at heart in terms of emotional unhappiness.

and for some strange reason,
these few lines of a christian song ring in my head.

the words are meant to be a worship to my God and Saviour,

but in all honesty,
when they ring in my head now,


they're only dedicated to that one person who's definitely not up in heaven.


the song is "take me deeper"

and the lyrics go sumthing like this.



There is a longing,
only you can fill,
a ragin tempest,
only you can still..




and sometimes the emptiness you feel from a result of a person's absence,
is a physical pain that you can feel.

kinda like a dull ache in the middle of your chest,
and the wet eyelashes when certain things come unbidden into your mind as you contemplate what could be.



i was talkin to fysh on sunday,
and we came upon this subject

f : don't you just wish that life had this vcr function,that you could pause and go back and live life differently.

and yea.
we both agreed that we wouldnt have screwed our jc life as badly as we did,
but then again without having screwed it up toget, we probably wouldnt had have the bond we share today.
at the same time, we wouldnt have met julian,and hence my darling girl.
so all in all, i would leave that aside.

while this general path i wouldnt want to stray too far off for the things i know have benefitted me;

meeting g,
gettin my national's trophy after 6 years of lusting for a sportin accomplishment since i was in primary school and got teased for being soft cuz i wore choir robes,
actually passing all my a level subjects despite my amazing streak of Fs i got in prelims,
learning alot about pple and how mean the world is.

but at the same time,
i have quite a few things i would turn the clock around for to change.

the first priority i would definitely attribute it to Ms Tan.
i would go back and change everything.

the second thing would be my studies.

3rd would be how i spent my ns money in terms of taxis and other stuff.
that money could've defined alot.but at the same time it taught me a few lessons i have learnt and put into my new living.

what are the things you would like to change.




if i had a magic lamp with a genie,

i would wish that saturday night didnt happen.
and that things would go back to the way they were before right at the start when we first held hands so apprehensively.where the laughs came so easily, the warmth and cosyness never left.
where the jokes and blushes and chuckles flowed like a never endin stream, and where the world seemed to stop and part to pass around us two without distracting us from drinking in each other's company and lost in each other's eyes and laughs.

ive tried to live life with no regrets,
but ive come to learn that if you don't have any regrets,
you havent lived life to the fullest.
unless you've lost something treasured,you won't regret.
but in treasurin the person, you begin to live life and feel alive.

here's a song i would like to share before i go

its from the script.
the pple who brought you the song "the man who cant be moved"

and this song is for all the guys out there,
for you to sing to the person you love in the world.

sing it along with these lines.

"ours is not perfect, i know it'll never be,
we fight,we bitch,we quarrel and cry,
we share our happiness and our woes,
but at the end of the day,
we know we mean each other no harm,
becuz we love."

this song hit me in the car driving back alone just now.
and i hence call it the wet eyelashes moment.

the script : i'm yours.

You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I'm not smart

You wrap your thoughts in works of art
And they're hanging on the walls of my heart

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

You healed these scars over time
Embraced my soul
You loved my mind
You're the only angel in my life
The day news came my best friend died
My knees went week and you saw me cry
Say I'm still the soldier in your eyes

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I'm yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I'm quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I'm yours

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
I know I don't fit in that much
But I'm yours

i just think this is a beautiful and REAL song.
that when it comes down to it.
for all our inperfections,
it is our dedication and love that is our best value in my opinion.
to that one special person.

__________________________EDIT_________________________
there's this little story in this song.
that with this special person, going thru life's journeys, taking on the responsibilities that come along with growing up feels perfectly worth it.

you opinions are of such clarity they define my path and guide me along.

i may not be the most gentle of men
i might not be the most capable of expressing wad i feel,
definitely not the best looking,
tho i have lotsa of faults,
i know and i feel insecure,
but all i have to offer,
is myself.

you took away the scars left behind,
and gave me new hope,
you loved me for who i am,
you're the angel in my life,


there's always this one moment in the attraction cycle.
this one moment that a person passes from being just another person,
to being the person that catches your eye.
a single act,a single word or gesture.
that suddenly brings that person into new light.
of as the cliche goes, the moment you know.
and i still think the moment for me,
happened during my 21st bdae.

sigh.
________________________________________

life is too much to touch everyone's life.
but i wouldnt mind parting the sea to touch 1 person's life and make it better.